A
female
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*elen
writes:Hey all, it seems to be the end of my 3 and a half year relationship.....at least think it is. Last year I cheated on my boyfriend one night with my ex and although everyone said it was never going to happen- he took me back. What I encountered was the most amazing experience of my life- I came across the concept for the first time in my life of true forgiveness. He tried, he really tried. That anyone could even consider forgiving someone for such a betrayal of trust was so humbling because if I try to imagine myself in the same position I realise I dont think I ever could. It was during these tough months/year I realised the value of the guy I was with...it took an ugly event for me to understand his depth of character. How tragic that it is also this event that we are unable get over. On the surface we were still fine- giggling away- but every time things went slightly wrong threats were always made about splitting up. Now it seems for real this time. We are best friends and I know he wants to remain it, but I have such a mixture of feelings now he wont try to work through it with me anymore. Now I feel betrayed- unable to trust his feelings for me. I want to cry to him and say sorry once more but I also want to slap him for having done all this work for nothing.I feel like hurting him the way he's hurt me and rejecting his offer of friendship. I know thats fair, its ugly even, but I just dont know how to proceed. I dont even know for sure if he's just punishing me again.I know each of you are going to tell if I really loved him I'd have never cheated- but between you and me Ive beaten myself up over it all enough- I've come to the conclusion that I dont agree- I am only human and I made a mistake. I accept that. Dont question my love for him, its as true as can be. But he understandably doesnt believe that anymore. I guess Im asking a couple of questions....Ive taken alot of abuse for my sin- is this just another way to punish? He's always been a bit of a passive aggressive- very calm but seething under it all. I dont want to play games- I cant be bothered to play hard to get- I havnt got the time or the patience. I cried my heart out to him last week and made myself very vulnerable- I put my heart on the line and he told me we'd try to work it out and everything will be fine. One week later after talking on the phone all week- we meet up have a small tiff and its quits again. To be fair he's under a lot of stress. I love him- he loves me but I screwed up all the trust and I dont know how to get it back- I know it takes time though. It seems he wont give me anymore time to prove myself again, looks like my year is up.I just dont know what to make of it all- do I start the long process of letting go when there may still be a chance? Is that what he really wants or is it his hurt speaking up during troubled times?Any help anyone?
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best friend, cheated on my boyfriend, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2007): Yes we do mistakes and we pay for them. The payment in your case is loosing someone. Cheating is the ultimate form of betrayal. He's never going to forget it no matter what you do, no matter how you abuse yourself, no matter how nice and caring will you be for him. It's not about what you do now but about what you've done and that cannot be ever undone. I'm sorry but this is life and emotions have their own way. You've learned something and now it is time to move on and find someone who has not been influenced by your mistake. Then you can really use your new knowledge.
A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (18 May 2007):
Yes i am entitled to my opinon. And as i said, which was my main point (which you seem to have ignored that bit), that perhaps he feels insecure still and thinks you may do it again.
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A
female
reader, helen +, writes (16 May 2007):
helen is verified as being by the original poster of the question Can I just say thank you for everyone who answered. This site is such a life saver, when I'm desperately lonely and have no where Ive turned to this site and Im so thankful for all the people somewhere across the world for taking the time to answer.
As for Jendorset's response- maybe being a bit more constructive with your responses may help. Although you're entitled to your opinion I think I made it abundantly clear how bad I feel about it all. Ive taken a lot of punishment for my infidelity on a daily basis and I quietly accept it because I realise how horrific what I did was. I do feel though there is a bit of imbablance in the punishment fitting the crime- 10 minutes of infidelity has entitled me to a full year of at times really nasty behaviour.
What I meant in my question about wanting to slap him was actually about all the work Ive put in was for nothing. All the abuse Ive taken was done in vain- he said we were going to get over it all and so I took it for the cause. I know its not right but my point was about my mixture of rash feelings towards the matter. To stay friends or not to stay friends that was the question!
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (15 May 2007):
You say you want to slap him for all the work hes put in and that he may be giving up on. Have you thought that maybe after all this working, and trying to get over what you did...hes just realised that maybe your not worth it. Perhaps he would rather find someone that he can truely trust to build a future with. Does he really want to build and have you knock it back down again because you might open your legs and cheat again ?
Apparently, if youve done it once yourll do it again.
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A
male
reader, jamiejames +, writes (15 May 2007):
Hey, thanks for the reply to my question... http://www.dearcupid.org/question/gf-of-five-years-left-me-and-i.html
We're both hurting but things for you seem to lack any closure, sounds like your suck in relationship limbo!
You know what you want but it doesnt seem like either of you have the strength or knowledge to progress from where you are at the moment to where you want to be.
ive never cheated on or been cheated on by someone so i dont have any experiance of it but i always believed from what ive seen from other peoples experiances is that some people can forgive...but no one ever forgets. forgiveness doesnt take away the pain its just a way of understanding someone made a mistake.
heres where i "try" to give advice...
You know your self after a year and a half of trying together you have not solved the problem between the two of you so by trying alone for more time you may end up just going round in circles. Relationship counceling is probably the best idea in the world if you want to try things without breaking up. Not something ive ever tried and theres something about being british that makes counceling such a big issue!
You really do need to step back and try and look at things from an outside perspective, because no one will know your relationship better than you. Do you feel in your heart of hearts this relationship can work? if you do and you both love each other as you say then anything you can do to save it is worth it in my opinion.
if you cant see thinsg working then remaining friends will be very difficult in the first few months at least, if one of you meets someone then the bitterness and resentment will make it impossible untill those feelsings calm down, and if niether of you meet anyone you will just end up getting back together if you remain friends and starting the circle again.
maybe a break is needed just to allow you both to clarify your feelings for each other, if those feelings are true from both parties then no amount of time will make them entirely go away.
if you do go on a break then you have to do it without maintaining contact with each other daily, clarify you wont be with anyone else in this time if thats what you think is best but if you just stay in touch daily it will be no different to actually being in the relationship anyways.
Sorry for lack of clarity and rambling on and hope you can pick some bits out of the mess that may help. if you want to ask my opinion on anything more specific feel free.
Good luck with everything and keep me informed :) x
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (15 May 2007):
You seem to know that your relationship is in trouble, and you also seem to know that you don't have the tools or ability to solve your problems on your own, which is why you have asked for help. That is good, but, in my humble opinion, you need to ask for more effective help by seeking out a relationship councellor. There are lots of ways to solve problems, feel free to try all of them, but if you value your relationship I would say that going to a relationship councellor gives you the best opportunity to save your relationship, besides the added benifits. Think about that seriously, along with other options you are presented with, and make your choices.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Suzie767 +, writes (14 May 2007):
 my boyfriend cheated on me 3 years ago and our relationship is also on the verge of falling apart.
i have never been able t forgive him for this. the way it happened- the way i had to find out (through a friend of mine) and all the horrific things that happened afterwards.
i tried my best to forget and for long periods of time i can but i have never truly forgiven- when things are going badly- not even in our relationship- just when i am feeling a little blue- this event comes back to me and all the pain is as fresh as when it happened.
i think i can understand a little how your boyfriend feels. he is trying to punish you and he wants you to hurt as badly as he does.
when someone cheats its like finding out that the person you thought you were with is someone else altogether and in a way it taints whatever you had.
for me it has ruined my relationship and it has never been what it could of been.
im not trying to make you feel bad, i understand that everyone makes mistakes but i think your boyfriend has tried his best and realised that if he hasnt forgiven you fully by now he never will.
perhaps you could suggest having a temprary break? this may help you both heal your wounds and gain some perspective. you could be all the stronger for it
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