| A
male
,
*J
writes: My wife and I are a month apart in age and after being married for almost 19 years (december), I made a very foolish mistake. I turned to the computer and tried to find someone I didn't know to fullfill a missing part of my manhood. My wife and I had problems with my ability to perform and as a result, I didn't feel like a man. I began talking over the internet to find that manhood I had lost. The problem is that I didn't try to hide it. My wife found the emails and she is now considering leaving me. I don't know what to do to show her I love her and that she is my world. I am very sorry for doing this to her but I don't know how to show her that. Any advice besides the firing squad??
View related questions:
the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): Re your comments about my posts.....
FYI ...Ive been marriaed nearly 20yrs and my h did excatly what you did (hence my hurt)....so dont tell me I have no idea. I KNOW ECACTLY HOW IT FEELS TO BE ON THE OTHER END OF A SELFISH HUSBANDS ACTIONS...
In my case I did ask him to leave and am deeply hurt that it came to this but Im simply not interested in his excuses....
The fact that your later posts go on to say how she has a problem show you are still unwilling to accept responsibility for your actions.......
Listen to some of your comments and then maybe you would have some idea at why someone like me would be angered by your attitude
I quote YOU
The problem is that I didn't try to hide it.
I would never have done this unless there were not already problems in our relationship (so this is how you solve a shared problem???)
But she is the problems.
unless you are at a feminist convention where some other shmucks will listen to your garbage!!! (If you think being sick of men and their porn habits makes me bad then thats your problem....by the way maybe you could do welll by attending a feminist conference...it might teache you that women are more than genitalia and breasts....and some respect for women)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): Please do not listen to some of the bad posts that are on here,there is still time to save your marriage,at the end of the day you have not cheated,it was just an 'email'.That doesn't mean it is acceptable but what it does mean is that you obviously do love your wife otherwise it would of been more than that.Your wife probably has no intentions of leaving you she is probably just making you stew and make you face responsibility for your actions,after all she is deeply hurt but it is so petty to let your bad mistake ruin a 19 year marriage.It will take alot of time and work and for her to regain your trust but you will both get there-love conquers all.
Best of luck
x
...............................
A
male
reader, BJ +, writes (15 August 2006):
BJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo my judger.. "19 years and you think there is an excuse"... This woman has no clue about my relationship. My guess is she is mid 30's/40's and has never had to deal with issues that long time couples like mine have had. I except what some of the female writers on here have said as well as YOS+, and I will seak out the help I need. But this woman shouldn't give advise until she has a clue. Maybe this is a free message board for all to comment upon, but I have enough anger in me for the both of us that I let it happen. Internet chats rooms are dangerous to people who are questioning there own self worth. By sitting behind a computer screen you are annoymous and without hesitation. It was of those conversations that got out of hand. I understand that I didn't have physical sex with her, but to me and my wife, it was just as if I had. I love her with all my heart and this all came as a huge shock to everyone involved. I would never have done this unless there were not already problems in our relationship. And though I admit I am 100% guilty of these communications, I need to know how to find that part that was missing in the first place in hopes of eliminating the behavior in the future. I feel bad for her and how I hurt her, NOT THAT I GOT CAUGHT!!!! So don't give any more advise alright, unless you are at a feminist convention where some other shmucks will listen to your garbage!!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): Such wonderful, good advice for you from all the other aunts, here. I just want to add some of my own thoughts and you can take what you want from it. Your posting saddened me because one of the most destructive forces on a marriage, nowadays, is the internet. Cyber affairs are costing too many good people, innocent children and loving spouses the comforts of an intact, happy home. You made an error in judgement about your marriage and you now know you were extremely insensitive to your beloved, your wife-the once person you realize you can't live without. I think you found out the hard way, that sustaining a happy, fulfilled state of mind in a marriage, take incredible efforts. It's that way for all of us. I also think you now realize, how wrong it was for you to think, there was some other person out there who could give you that fulfillment. The best of marriages go through problems and difficult stages. Now it's time to work through this and it will take time.
Luckily for you, the light went on in your mind...but for some people, they just don't see it. In many cases, couples don't try hard enough, simply because it's too taxing and most importantly, they forget the commitment and respect for their marriage vows. A lot of couples don't try hard enough to stay together, they don't talk about the problems or try to identify the issues and work them out. But most importantly, they forget to remember what made them fall in love with each other. This problem can be worked out in your marriage simply because you have the determination to want it to work. There is a way back from this tragedy. When there is responsibility taken, true remorse...behaviours on your part will repair and there is hope. Yos gives you excellent suggestions to try to repair your marriage and get it back on track. I sincerely hope you follow these good words of advice. You do have a lot of work ahead of you. You are largely responsible for the quality of your life. Therefore, begin with a complete renovation of yourself, your attitudes and your expectations , first. You may need counseling or the advice of pastoral support. Once you have done that, then you can start making improvements in your marriage. I also suggest the first thing you should do, is get rid of the internet--it's proven to be too much of a temptation for you and it could be once again, in your future. I wish only the very best for you and your wife...hope you can work things out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): You are the problem. she has been the same woman you married. If things have changed they have changed for both of you. You are at the beginning of this and still in the 'fog', whatever your sexual problems, you and you alone are responsible for your betrayal. You will not fix anything until you own YOUR problem.Just because we face difficult issues in our lives we can't go around looking for other people to solve them. It doesn't matter what your marital issues are, YOU damaged your wife by cyber cheating. Grow up, accept your responsibilities and get help. You are young people who can work this out, 40 is the best age, don't blow the rest by staying in this place. YOUR WIFE IS NOT TO BLAME. You broke the deal. Own up to the fact and get some counselling to help you both. You have everything to gain.You are not a bad man, you did a bad thing. You can make better choices and you will recover your self esteem in the process. Just imagine around the corner is a better relationship with the woman you have shared all of your adult life with. This is a difficult time but you can make it.Believe in yourself and remember to give it time. This is so fresh you are thrashing around and hurting. I am one year on and my 23 years are so worth saving I am so glad I gave us a chance...
...............................
A
male
reader, BJ +, writes (15 August 2006):
BJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt 37 years old, we were married at 18 and I was off to the Army. Now yes, my communicating on the computer was wrong, more so because I said things to this woman I will never know then to my wife. She is my life and I don't know why this myspace and doulike websites draw me in. They have been cancelled now, but I guess they made me feel young and attractive again. I never intended for it to go any furthure then emails, but I still feel I cheated on her mind and heart and trust. The feelings of uselessness and pity have replaced my smiles and love. I want her to know, she is my world, but she isn't listening now. She asked me to give her time and for me to get help with my sexual problems. But she is the problems. Our sexlife is routine and predictable and she always says we are not young anymore. I guess I am just lost.
...............................
A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (15 August 2006):
 When you say considering leaving... Im guessing she is still there... Which is a good sign, if she were intent on leaving then she would have bolted straight away, so it seems shes having a bit of time to reflect and gauge her own next move... I think with things like this its hard to make it up to her, its more on her part that she wants to stay, and needs to understand why it happend... perhaps you need to explain to her why this came about... im not sure myself how looking on the internet would have found your missing Manhood!? You say you didnt feel like a man, because of what your wife said, at that point you should have taken steps to try and fix it rather than turining away, by not talking to her you made the situation worse, if you dont tell somebody something how are they to know how you are feeling ? im not sure entirely what the issue is there but that has most certainly got to be the starting point for your conversations surrounding all this ... you have to be open and honest with one another and take it a step at a time, if she can maybe see why you did what you did she may come round to your way of thinking.. its not condonable that you sought other women out, but in my mind that was you hiding away from the real issue, almost like saying well my wife has a problem with this (whatever the issue is) but I bet others dont! Rather than try and address the problem together maybe becuase of pressure you choose to block it out and see if someone on the internet could make you feel attractive again... show your wife that you want to change this part and want to take stpes to make these things right again... simply talk to your wife first off my telling her that you love her and that what you did was totally stupid, and you really dont know why you did it, its done now so you may have to tread on eggshells for a while... but at least let her know the reason behind it and that you really want this to be a wake up call to you and that you want to address the problem that you have for her sake and yours.... I think given time she will come round, especially if she can appreciate or at least try and understand why you did it.. you really have got to tell her how you are feeling and take it from there... because she is still there is because she cares and shes not going to turn her back on nearly 20years of marriage when you have probably already gone through alot together, be romantic where possible and do things that you know she will appreciate, messages, baths that type thing... cook her dinner, but you really do need to talk, the tears need to fall, and the anger needs come out first before the understanding part happens, she feels betrayed, so let her let all the anger and hurt out and then she will be easier to talk to.. but you have to show that you are truly remorseful ans want to take steps to a brighter future together.. I hope you guys can work this out...
Good luck. x x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): Together with Yos's advice I would also say to keep working at it, you've managed 19 years so you must be doing something right and I'm sure you both know each other very well.
You did make a big mistake "looking" on the Internet but you already know that. We all make mistakes and what is more important is showing genuine remorse for what you have done and making sure it doesn't happen again.
Big shame on the reactionary anonymous female postings; BJ ignore their terrible advice and concentrate on fixing your marriage, good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): I'm so sorry your actions have caused such pain for you and your wife. The responses here will vary as a result of our life experiences. Mine? husband did the same as you but followed through with an affair and spent a long time betraying me. We're doing well now and this is how we began.. Be open and honest, explain that the fact that you didn't hide the e-mails may have been because you wanted her to find out. Perhaps it was the only way you could even break down the wall between you. You should not expect her to forgive you just yet, but she may listen and hopefully believe that the 19 years of honesty and faithfullness does outweigh the last few months. You do need help in recovering yourself though and I would suggest that you seek some form of counselling both for your physical and emotional problems. Ironically these problems are common and what you did to hide them is common too. It seems so easy to find an anonymous friend to make you feel good about yourself. Now you know that it's the worst possible solution, and I know how hurt your wife is. She wants to run away. people do when they are afraid. Her world just fell apart and she doesn't know which way is up. I know this is hard to believe for either of you but if you just breathe and give it some time you will be able to cope with this. Reassure her that this is not her fault, this is about you, not her, nor her role as your wife. You have reached a difficult place and you will need to put it right. Be very aware that this breach of trust will shake all she believes in. To tell her she is your world when you have effectively destroyed it will be hard for her to understand.Ther is a website called 'The Healing Heart' which may be good to visit. She may then hear that marriages can recover from even worse trajedies. although this is the worst trajedy she could ever imagine at this time. She has lost you, I hope in time she gets you back.I wish you both the very best.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (15 August 2006):
 WoW. Those are some bitter responses. Hell has no fury like like a woman scorned.
Personally I don't think a moments weakness (and it was only email...) does not merit automatically walking out. The person saying just leave is giving you bad advice. If we were just supposed to walk out when marriages get rocky then no one would make it past 5 years, let alone 20.
It doesn't sound like you are 'just upset because you were caught either'. It sounds more like you were upset (about yourself) and thats why you did it to start with.
I suggest you ignore the pessimists / fatalists and get on with trying your utmost to make it up to your wife and show her how sorry you are.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): 'The problem is that I didn't try to hide it'The whole idea that you see the problem is that you didnt hide it rather than the fact that you did it in the first place....Therein lies the issues....your just upset because you got CAUGHT and Im sure you would be doing very little for your wife or to show her you love her had you not been caught....Funny how men suddenly loves their wives when they are just about to lose them
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): 19yrs and you think there is ANY excuse????Hah...I wouldnt even give you 30 seconds to explain......YOU DO NOT LOVE HER AND YOUR ACTIONS PROVED IT....Do her a favour and LEAVE
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (15 August 2006):
Ouch! You two are in a terrible situation. It really does sound like you are truly sorry, and sexual performance issues in a marriage can place a huge strain on you. At least it was only emails, with no other contact.
I don't know if any of these are right, but here are some suggestions:
- The best way that I can think of to show love is simply to express it. Spend time with her, share your feelings openly, spend a lot of time just talking. There is no substitute for intimate time spent together. Even if it is painful, if you can be 100% honest with her now about how you are feeling, it might help. Focus on positive things as much as you can (but stay truthful), and keep to talking about how you feel, not about how she behaves. When you stick to just talking about your feelings, it rarely creates an adversarial situation.
- Tell her that you seriously want to deal with your performance problems. Maybe you have already? Or are there avenues you can try? Various therapies, medicine (viagra?), and so on. You can also talk about her sexual fulfilment in the context of you not being able to be 100%. Again, the more open and truthful you can be the better. She will know if you are being candid, and that will help. More importantly, she will know that you are being open with her about the root cause of your insecurities. She will need to feel connected to you here in order to be able to trust you again, if she can. Make sure you don't come across as 'justifying what you did'. Although what you did may have causes, that doesn't make it ok. She doesn't have to accept what you did, only that you honestly regret it and have no intention of doing it ever again.
- Go out of your way to show that you are thinking of her and care for her. Small gifts, notes, messages, personal touches. It's not really important what these are, its more that you are demonstrating that she is in your mind all the time.
- Remind her of the good times you have had together. 19 years is a large part of a life, and we only get one. You have come so far, you must have many great memories. Show and tell her that you loved sharing those experiences with her, and that you'd like more for the both of you.
Good luck.
...............................
|
