A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 29 and my boyfriend of 8 months is 31. When we first started our relationship, it was one of the most intense feelings I've felt. Every since a couple of months ago, it was almost like I woke up from a dream and I've become very obsessed about his short stature and the fact that he's balding. I am an attractive female and I feel that my boyfriend is not at all compatible with me in terms of looks to the point where I feel embarrassed if I bump into friends with him. He is the same height as me and it really bothers me. Everything else about him though is great. I really want to get over this vanity but I'm not sure how. I am still sexually attracted to him...it's just that I care about what others think of me when I'm out with him. I know I sound very vain, very immature, but it is what it is and this is how I feel. If anyone has had experience getting over a partner's physical appearance, please share. Thanks in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): good lord,
I read this and just about threw up in my mouth.
I also hope to god that you didn't tell him that his physical features bother you so much. Why would you destroy a man's self confidence over things that he can't change? If you want to leave him over it, then leave him, but why shame him?
You sound like an incredibly shallow person. This was a couple of years ago so I hope you let this guy go find someone who deserves his kind, loving self.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): Thank you for the replies. To Cerberus, that is a great response and very valuable to me to be able to understand it from the other party’s perspective. I did tell him that I have fallen out of love with him. He attributes my loss of feelings to the fact that I had just returned from a month-long vacation overseas, and he genuinely believes that my feelings for him will return. What perplexes me is that while I have always found him to be unattractive (from an outsider’s perspective), this fact didn’t bother me at the beginning. I wasn’t embarrassed to be out with him at the beginning. It was only after I have returned from my trip that I felt as if my blinders are off all of a sudden, and I start to see him as how others probably see him. I have slightly hinted to him about how his appearance bothers me, but have focused mainly on clothing and body maintenance. He was very receptive and has started to go to the gym every day and is willing to let me transform his closet. I haven’t talked to him about his stature and the balding issue, though he’s brought up to me a couple of times that he has considered hair transplant. He is a really great guy in other areas, loves me so genuinely and is willing to go through a lot for me. He also has a lot of qualities that I admire. Actually, he is very popular with friends and with people from work. Everyone loves him and he’s the type who’s able to be friends with everyone. He has a charm that doesn’t rely on his looks. This was what attracted me to him in the first place. I do think that my views on how other people perceive us are wrong. People probably can’t care less who I’m with and probably won’t judge me for it.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (21 March 2014):
+1 for Cerebus' great answer.
I also want to stress that you really should keep the height/hair part to yourself. He may be secure enough to handle it, but it very well could crush him, too.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (21 March 2014):
 Cerberus gave a really great answer, I hope you will consider very carefully what he said. Its sad but as human beings we just can't help who we are attracted to. You can really truly care about a person, but if the attraction isn't there..it isn't there and it isn't just going to magically be there. The way you describe things, this is really bothering you and I don't think you are going to be able to get past it. The best thing you can do for both of you is to let him go. I will not give you a lecture about the grass is greener on the other side, because again...we just ca't help who we are attracted to and who we aren't. I happen to like skinny asian men (LOL) and would take them in a heartbeat over a tall blonde blue eyed hunk. Let your guy go so he can find someone who loves him just as he is, and you can find someone that you feel happy with as well. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): My boyfriend is the same height as me - and he wears glasses and I'm pretty good looking and I felt the same as you at the beginning! But I don't care anymore. We love each other and that is more important to me now. The feeling just slowly went away. And to be honest the height thing only affects me now when I (seldomly) wish I could bury my head in his chest in a hug. We once talked about that too, he says he doesn't feel as manly that he can't be taller and feel more protective of me in a hug!! Haha, but we compromise on some things because the other things are better. When I'm in bed I snuggle up to him on his chest. The glasses thing bothered me initially but now when he wears contacts - he's just not my boyfriend as I see him. AND every day it look at him more and think how handsome some of his features are like his jaw line or his lively coloured eyes or his big strong arms! He definitely grew on me in terms of looks and like you I felt the same way at the begin inning even though the physical attraction between us was strong, so I hope it passes for you too!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): As a short, bald guy I can say I know the situation in reverse. It is shallow but it matters to some people. OP there are are just people where appearance to others is more important than the relationship itself, it doesn't matter how you treat a person, it doesn't matter how attracted to you they are, they live for what other people think of them even if they're completely wrong about how people see them.
Not everything is perfect about this guy and that's bothering you. You feel a bit like you're settling because he's not the guy you had dreamed of, he doesn't fit into the family portrait you imagined you'd have and the image you want to portray to others.
I had an ex like you and like you she couldn't help how she felt and sorry to say but there's no cure except losing him. That's what happened my ex. While with me it was an issue that was very important to her, she felt people were looking at us and somehow thinking less of her because she didn't have the handsome, tall, hairy Adonis she'd assumed would be her Mr. Right and the idea of a future with me made her nervous. The idea that people didn't look at her with a bit of envy made her feel that the relationship wasn't as real as it should be. It was the one thing she couldn't get over because it was the one thing she had no control over and she knew in her heart it was shitty reason that shouldn't matter but she couldn't stop it becoming the part of our relationship she couldn't reconcile.
So we discussed it, and I felt disappointed of course but no anger or bitterness and while she wanted to stay together to "work through it" I felt it was a thing I couldn't live with, I literally just felt like she was ashamed to be seen with me in public and it didn't matter how much she denied that was the case, the reality is she was ashamed of being on my arm and people thinking "that" is all she can get.
The thing is it was only after we broke up, when she had time to think, when she felt the loss of what I actually brought to her life did she gain some perspective and realise it was the least important reason that her mind had blown out of proportion. That the reason she felt that way was because she was falling for me and she was getting cold feet, so she'd concocted this major flaw that actually didn't matter to her because the possibility of a serious future with me was becoming very real and she panicked a bit. Not only that but all of a sudden people started letting her know how great a couple we seemed to be, and that beyond looks seeing us together made them jealous and even made me seem really attractive to them because I was able to have that effect on her.
It was only after we broke up did she realize that while I may not look like Brad Pitt in terms of pure aesthetics, the way I am as a person, the kindness, the confidence, how I treated people and the fact she had me, made me quite hot to others. People started gushing to her about me when suddenly I wasn't around in the places we always hung around together.
When she tried to get me back I refused, I was always going to be short and bald, it was an issue for her and now it was my turn not to risk my heart on the potential for that to be a problem again. It got to the stage where any time I was out her friends, brothers and even her mother asked me to meet her for coffee to see if I could forgive her and get back together. I guess the way she had perceived outsiders opinions of our relationship was all wrong the whole time because while she may have convinced herself that our aesthetics as a couple was important by looking at how happy women seemed with the hulking Adonis type, she didn't realise people viewed me in a similar way just not solely related to my looks.
You need to seriously consider letting him go. Now I'm a person that has never doubted myself on the opinions of others, being short and bald does not bother me in the slightest, I do think you should spare this guys feelings by telling him you're not in love with him and think it's time part. Short and bald is up there with small penis in terms of insecurity for most men, so complete disclosure is not really necessary here and the not being in love reason is still accurate so just use that. Plus if you figure out afterwards that you were wrong about the whole thing, you really do have a better chance of getting him back.
Best of luck, OP, and remember, don't feel bad for how you feel. Yeah it's a shitty reason but feelings are feelings and if you could change them you would, so it's not your fault.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 March 2014):
 It does sound petty and shallow.
If I see a couple where one partner is a 4 and the other a 9, I ASSUME that THEY have something good and deep going, because unlike what society tells you, looks aren't everything.
You could have a handsome BF who treats you like crap, but that would be better right? Because other people would think so CUTE together.....
I think that you should consider setting your BF free, because I don't think you can get over being shallow. You will always worry about what others think and honey, that isn't fair on him.
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