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male
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anonymous
writes: About seven months ago I became involved with a woman whose husband had abandoned her. At first our relationship revolved around her heartbreak over her husband's actions. He had been unfaithful to her on at least two occasions. He had moved out of the house twice. The first time he left she begged and begged for him to return and he eventually did. He promised her he would be the perfect husband from that point. Less than a year after that, he left a post-it note in the kitchen saying he was leaving again and took all his stuff. He refused to answer any calls and ignored and abandoned her completely. He had also emotionally abused her in many other ways too numerous to go into here.I had met her about four months after he left her, and with her childrens' encouragement she started dating other men (me).Initially, I just listened and provided a sympathetic ear for all her problems. I told her that I would try to help make the pain go away. Slowly we became closer and closer, until one day she told me she was in love with me and that indeed I had made her pain go away. I fell in love also and we began a very close and loving relationship. I met and became involved with her grown children and her parents. She became involved with my children and I introduced her to my friends and family.She filed for divorce about three months ago and all the paperwork has been submitted. In this state, the divorce becomes final six months after the day she filed.After he was served papers, I overheard a telephone conversation when he called her and I shocked to hear unbelievable verbal abuse coming from him. He screamed profanities at her and made treats against her. Turns out she asked to split the value of a piece of property in the divorce which he felt was his alone. I watched as she just listened to this abuse. Afterwards I told her that his behavior was awful. She stated that "he's just mad", no big deal. I was a little leery that she was so prepared to rationalize for him. In the end she capitulated and she told him that he could keep his property.So our lives became closer and closer and we finally became engaged to be married. She swore everlasting love to me, she would forever be faithful, and she swore that we would always be together. She swore that she would never put anyone through the pain she has suffered. We were together every evening (we both have our own houses)and made several fun and bonding trips together. Our relationship was faith based and I truly thought God had brought us together.About six weeks ago her ex-husband found out about our relationship. (You can probably tell where this is going) He started to phone her constantly. At first she told him not to call. But he persisted in a obsessive way. He would call fifteen or twenty times a night. I told her not to return the calls, not to talk to him, and that whatever she does, do not meet him.Slowly she started to give in to his insistence. He would keep her on the phone and drag out the conversation. He promised her that he would do anything, including go to church (which he had always refused to do before), go to counseling (which he had always refused to do) if she would just take him back. Then he kicked it up a notch, and confessed all the things he did to her including the adulteries. He said that he was the worst husband there ever was and he doesn't blame her for leaving. But now, he has reformed. He has learned a painful lesson and he will never do anything wrong again if she will just take him back. He calls her and cries and sobs on the phone. He plays the "I'm still your husband" card. Then last week she agreed to see him. More tears and begging.This affected her greatly. She told me she feels so guilty. She says she feels such pressure and that she wanted to be alone.After a day of agony, we spoke and agreed that the day apart did nothing for either of us. At her parents encouragement (all of her family and friends despise her ex-husband) we went away for three days and left her cell phone behind. It was the most peaceful and loving experience. We recommitted our vows to each other and I really thought we were going to get through this.But when we got back she listened to her messages and there he was crying and sobbing begging to take her back.I told her that this was pure manipulation and control. It not her that he wants. He doesn't want her to be with me. And by the way, every friend and member of her family tell her the same thing.She seemed to agree and things seem to improve.Last night we had a wonderful evening together. But when she got home he was waiting for her. More theatrics and tears. I thought this was getting to a critical point so I dashed over to her house. I pleaded with her to stop this insanity. She had to be firm and tell her ex-husband the truth about us and to let him go. She said that she would take care of it.Today I woke up to none of my usual email messages from her. Or phone calls. So I tried to email her and phone her. Nothing. Nothing all morning.Around noon I received an email that stated this:" I would like to share a few thoughts I've had recently. I know there are no guarantees when it comes to love. Real love requires risk, putting one's feelings out there in the most vulnerable state. Without that risk, we will never share true love with anyone. The thought of risking another chance with Steve scares me to death, but in reality, the risk would be no less with anyone. No one knows what the future holds for us. The best we can do is put our faith in God and pray that he will lead us down the right path. That path does not always lead to what we think is our best interest, but it does lead to God's will. I believe in this with all my heart." She has continued to ignore my telephone calls.I would really appreciate some advice on this because I think I'm a little too close to the issue think clearly.Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2006): First of all do not tale this personelly as you are a good person and so is your partner,it's the ex that's the problem. Your partner prob feel confused and upset that she has hurt the ex (by no taking him back) but he has brought it on himself,i agree he does not love her and just wants to break you up, but because your partner has herself experianced this hurt she don't want to cause someone else the hurt and by doing whats she doing she is hurting all three of you. Do not give up send her e-mails asking hows she doing do not put pressure on her as you will be acting like the ex just be there for her as you have been. Now you prob asking what about me! i know you must be hurt by this but you are the stronger person in this and by being around you your partner has become stonger you may not think so now but she knows she will be making the biggest mistake of her like if she takes the ex back she just need to fiure out how to deal with this instead of you two ganging up on him she need to deak with this by herself and i have no doubt she will come back to you if you give her time. I hope this has helped and in the meantime you take care of yourself and keep stong.
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