A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:OK so here is what happened:Last weekend I went on a family weekend getaway with my parents and some other extended family. The cabin we were staying in had no insulation and anything said downstairs was heard upstairs. I was upstairs in bed, texting my boyfriend goodnight when I heard my parents start talking. At first I was listening at attention (theyve been married 24 years and are seemingly happy). Then I heard them start to talk about how my dad had an affair. Understand a few things, please. I am 22 and have been in a solid, year-long relationship of my own. My dad has always been my hero. I'm not someone who is typically affected by issues or crises but hearing this has really hurt me, like i can't get past it or stop thinking about it. Upon hearing this, I immediately broke down and cried (quietly so they wouldnt hear me) and texted my boyfriend about what was going on. He was wonderful and said he wished he could be there for me right then and he would pray for them and for me. Here are my issues, more than a week later:1. I can't stop thinking about it. I cry multiple times every day thinking about how he betrayed my mom and our family. 2. it is starting to affect my own relationship. I have no reason not to trust my boyfriend, but I find myself questioning him. I feel horrible because I am crazy about him and I know he loves me, but I am so emotionally frazzled by this situation, I am overly sensitive to everything. What should I do? No one other than my boyfriend knows that I know about this...should I talk to my parents? This is absolutely tearing me up and I'd really appreciate any advice.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): What you're feeling is understandable. I guessed that this revelation might somehow creep in and affect your thoughts on your own relationship before I read it.
Women tend to base their views, relationships, and idealise men based on with what they had with their fathers. Now that your father's image is tainted in your mind, it may have tainted everything else you feel about men in general.
It's unfortunate that when people do bad things, we somehow lose sight of some of their previous traits and humanity and tend to think in black and white. In part this is a good thing, because wrong is always wrong and we should never allow that understanding to be lost. But at the same time we need to be considerate and weigh in our judgement with people's humanity in mind.
I think you should talk with your father (alone) openly about this in private at first, and you'll see his humanity once again and see that he is still the same great guy that you knew, albeit with a lot more visible blemishes. Then talk with your mother and see how she feels.
Don't talk with the both of them together, you'll never really get a good idea of what happened with both in each others presence and it'll also kind of be awkward too. They'll eventually talk with you about this together in their own time which'll be much better of them to do voluntarily.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): Did he have an affair recently or was it a long time ago and both have long since reconciled?
Look. An affair is a bad thing. Terrible for all concerned when the walls and the fun comes crashing down around you.
Believe me, I know. My own father cheated on my mother a few years again, apparenly for a long time.
It hurt. My mother most of all. But all of us. But things had been going south for my parents for a while before it came out. So I guess it was the only way for it to end.
But, angry as I was at my father, he hs always been there for me. Always willing to lend a hand, and whatever he did or however much I hate how he went about it all, he will always be my father.
He is still there if I need him, if I ned a hand to get to a rehearsal or an audition, or if I need some extra-cash when funds run low or when I just need someone to hang out with. He's still there. He still comes to see all my shows (I am a Theatre actor) even if they aren't shows he likes.
I guess all I am saying is that, despite the affair, he is still your father. And he is still only human, after all.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, disappointedwoman1 +, writes (23 February 2009):
Definately talk to your mom first. It will be really awkward to do it with both at once. She protected you from the knowlege of the affair, so she obviously knew how much it would hurt you...and I think she did the right thing. My husband cheated on me with prostitutes, and as mad as I am and as irritating as it is to have him paint me as the bad guy in the divorce...I have no plans to tell my daughter what he did. I fear it would mess her up psychologically. That's probably the situation your mom faced too....and after a while, since they stayed together, she probably didn't want to rock the boat. Just ask her at a time when you are alone and she has time to explain it.
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A
female
reader, BethyBoo  +, writes (23 February 2009):
 You should definately talk thing over with your parents. Let them know what's going on in your mind, they will appreciate it and can hapefully clear things up. I'm sure just talking with them and explaining how its affecting you will help in itself.
xoxo
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (23 February 2009):
 Please talk to your parents, both of them. I honestly feel that you all should go seek family counseling to help you and your parents cope with this.
Sometimes peoples resolve fails them, and I am sure that is all that happened to your dad, that he experienced a moment of weakness. But, you owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to encourage all of you to seek therapy so that you can start to heal. If you find your mom has forgiven your father, maybe that will speed up your recovery time too.
You have some healing to do, and I don't envy you that task, but for your own mental health I hope that you come out to your parents about being in on their 'secret'. These things happen, and unfortunately it isn't discussed enough and wounds are left to fester. Please let your healing begin as soon as possible.
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