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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Things my girlfriend did in her past are really bothering me. We have been together for 3 months and though we are quite different in many aspects we get along great. Every now and then she tells me about things she has done with guys that bother me but I hev been able to get over it. The thing that really bothers me is that she said she gave a french kiss to two different guys on new years. It happened twice, once when she thought it was the same guy because it was raining, but she kissed the second guy again after she realised, just because he had walked her home.This bothers me so much because I feel kissing is a special thing. I have kissed very few people for someone my age, though I am very attractive and have had many opportunities.I understand that people make mistakes, and that the past is the past, but what really makes this hard to get over is that she doesnt think there is anything wrong with it.It makes me fell sick to think about a guy just walking up to her and saying "how about a new years kiss?" then her just putting her tong in his mouth, and then another guy doing the same thing on the same night. Just the fact that she will just kiss someone like that bothers me.How can I get over this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): dude, if she was single when she kissed those guys, then shes ok, but if she had a boyfriend at the time then my advice is BACK AWAY man.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): I am in the same position, and feel that my girlfriend kiss more guys and i havnt kissed enough girls that was mainly because of lack of confidence an not having the balls to go for other girls in the past,i have only kissed one other girl properly before and she has kissed a about 6 other guys before, I feel if i was more experienced then it would be easier to understand her point of view,i really dont want this to bother me i really want our relationship to work, i do really like her. I dnt consider my self to be unattractive because girls have liked me in the past.Really dont know wot to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2006): i have been told i am a very attractive woman, and do also get many chances to kiss guys, but i also choose not to, i feel kissing is also special, i disagree with the answer about you being insecure! at the age of 24 i have only kissed 14 guys, my friends have had sex with double that number! But i realise that different people have different views, i think what is in the past is in the past and you shouldn'e worry about it! if she was single at the time, then it is her choice, as long as she isn't cheating! although i do think you need to feel a little more confident in your self! good luck honey!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2006): You have only been with her for 3 months and now she is in a relationship with you.Was she single at the time when she kissed these blokes if so i would say that is a pretty normal thing to do when you are single and looking for somebody.Its in her past if she hasnt shown you any signs of doing this while she has been with you then i wouldnt get too hung up over it.
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A
female
reader, BiffyLou +, writes (24 December 2006):
Why don't you talk to her about it?
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A
male
reader, Thomas17  +, writes (24 December 2006):
 well its behind you two now, she's changed i think :) merry xmas!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (24 December 2006):
 I am going to answer this in harsh terms, not because I want to upset you, but because honesty with yourself is the key to getting over this.
"This bothers me so much because I feel kissing is a special thing. I have kissed very few people for someone my age, though I am very attractive and have had many opportunities."
This is why it bothers you. Because you have not done much kissing you feel insecure or inadequate about it. Even more so, because you think of yourself as attractive, you are worried about why you haven't done it. How come an attractive guy with so many opportunities has done so little kissing? You must have failed somewhere (and no, nobody buys that you 'chose not to', including yourself if you are being honest). I suspect you won't want to admit this to yourself. But it is true. Try to be honest with yourself about your fears, it is the only way for you to really identify them and overcome them.
Perhaps you've been in situations where you had the opportunity to kiss and didn't, and now feel ashamed about it? Maybe you are jealous of those guys who had the guts to just go up to your girlfriend and kiss her? Do you worry that you don't measure up to them? After all, they did something brave and manly than you didn't do.
Calling it a 'special thing' is a cover. It's a way of justifiying your negative emotions to yourself so you don't have to deal with them. Instead you need to accept that going through life thinking kissing is 'wrong' is only going to hurt you, and damage any relationship you are in. You have a problem and you'll be much better off with it gone out of your life.
"I understand that people make mistakes, and that the past is the past, but what really makes this hard to get over is that she doesnt think there is anything wrong with it."
Kissing someone on new years eve is NOT a mistake! There is nothing wrong with it, so she shouldn't feel that there is, and you should certainly not be trying to make her feel that it is. The fact that you have a hangup about it does not make it wrong for her.
Before you ask for too much pity, know that I have to 'cope' with the fact that my girlfriend had a one night stand with a guy on new years eve that she doesn't even know the name of. This is a bit worse than kissing don't you think? And yet everything I've said above applies to me too. She did nothing really wrong, the fact that it hurts me is my issue to overcome, and, fortunately, I have (mostly) been able to.
This kind of issue comes up a lot here. I usually recommend seeing a therapist, since it is very hard to deal with by yourself. Unfortunately the obsessive nature of the problem means just thinking about it usually makes it worse. It is very hard to 'think your way out of it' without the help of others. So if you don't find yourself moving past this quickly I strongly recommend you find a therapist.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, shortie2010 +, writes (24 December 2006):
the thing is that it was the past and now she is with you and not all those other guys!!!
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