A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in an on and off relationship with the same man for 8 years. For the first few years everything was great, we got along well, had the same hopes and desires for the relationship, lived together etc. The past 3 years have been hell, breaking up, moving out, getting back together, getting engaged, etc. In August of last year we split again and he "moved" out again. I was finally finished, and really ready to move on when in October he asked if we could try and work things out,he said " I love you but need to be on my own right now" we disused him moving out and he was supposed to put a down payment on an apartment. I told him that if and when he did that I would decided whether I wanted to continue in an exclusive relationship with only him. During this time he was staying with a family member a few blocks from where I live. The one and only time we discussed him getting his own place was in October. I asked him to keep me informed about what his plans were and he said that he would. In December he asked if he could move back in, everything was perfect and I felt for the fist time in a very long time that we were on the right track.About a week after valentines day he sent me a text informing me that his "apartment" was ready, I completely flipped ! I felt so betrayed, and used, and un-loved, I have never felt so terrible in my entire life, he came up with all sorts of excuses, and apologies, one of which was " I thought you would be happy" and " well I don't want to break up, I thought we would have two places" " I need to feel I can make it on my own" ... I could go on and on...He has been begging and pleading with me for weeks, to not give up on us so on and so forth asking me to come see his place. Give him a chance, He doesn't want to loose me and this is just temporary....I finally caved and spent the night with him,but I don't feel the same. Nothing feels the same for me anymore. I'm completely lost and have no idea what to do. He seems so sooooo happy that I have forgiven him, but I don't think I really have. I've been to his house a few times and him over to mine since. I feel like changing my number moving away and never speaking to him again. I have tried speaking to a friend about this and was pointed out that if I "END" things for good he will react as if I am "paying him back" Is that so wrong? I mean he did a really messed up thing. I feel that if I don't end things I'm loosing my self respect. I wouldn't mind maybe staying friends but at that level sex is completely out of the equation and I have already had sex with him. Any ideas? I'm not a vindictive person, I'm not raising his hopes in order to cut him down, I guess I just needed to see if anything was still there? Now I'm feeling bad but part of me feels like he deserves it! I don't even know how to discuss how I'm feeling with him, because I feel like he doesn't deserve my forgiveness, or anything with me at all. I cant keep putting up a front, I don't know what to do!!! Help advise desperately needed!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2012): Dont beat around the bushes, your just gonna have to be straight with him and tell him where your at with this. Ask him to meet and have a talk, hold an assertive tone so he knows something needs to be discussed, then tell him.
One thing i thought of, the living in two houses thing sounds like a way for him to distance you from him, so he can "have things" on the side. Just saying...cause it doesnt really make sense, why he wouldnt just move back in unless he is thinking it wont last.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdateI have put more thought into this and realized that I do really enjoy his company for the most part. Truth be told I feel like he moved out and moved on so I should do the same. Part of me feels like keeping things going between us until I'm feeling better about myself and situation(moving on). The other part of me feels like I should just end all contact with him. Seeing as he moved out I feel like we (I cannot ) should not continue a an exclusive relationship. I do love him, and really had high hopes for us, but I just don't see it happening. Any advice on how I should approach discussing my feelings with him on any of these topics? I don't expect any of it to go well, I'm just done with the fighting. Love IMO should not be this difficult...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): There is nothing wrong on your part for ending this because in my opinion it already has been going on way to long. If your eight years in and still unsure and feel like you should leave, then trust your instincts and leave. If anyone says anything about you being unfair to him dismiss it, its your life and do whats best for you.
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