A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am an only child and have been married to my second husband for nearly 2 years - my first husband died. My parents are both dead and I come from a very small family unit. The man I have married comes from a very large family and he has children from previous relationships. I am an academic and like a quiet lifestyle but married this man as he was the opposite of me. However I now realise that I am unable to cope with the never ending stream of visitors, family members, constant child and mother issues and the like. My first husdand was like me quiet and quite anti social and this new lifestyle is anathema to me. Because I don't like these constant interruptions I have become very withdrawn and now do nothing other than disappear if I can get advance warning if any of them are coming over or go to work. It is turning into a living hell for me and if I didn't work I don't know what i would do. I have explained to my husband that I cannot cope with this but to him this is totally natural. I would say on average that I get the home to just the two of us one day in 14. It is difficult to describe how much I hate this and if I hadn't sold my former home I would have left. We have discussed this loads of times and I am now dubbed as a crazy, anti-social freak who is now apparently insulting him and his family by not participating. Yes I know I should have thought about all of this before I married but really i did not realise it would be so alien to me and make me quite so unhappy. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (24 April 2011):
 I completely get how you feel. I'm an introvert and I value my privacy very much. Having a constant stream of visitors would have me hiding too.The fact that you've been labelled a "crazy, anti-social freak" rather suggests that you're not finding any middle ground on this with your husband. Not only is he not willing to compromise, he's not even managing to be sensitive to your point of view. I can only imagine how frustrated you must be.I know people who grew up in chaotic homes and would feel bereft in a quieter environment. Asking such people to choose between their families and their wives -- well, I'm pretty sure who's gonna win.Your home should be a place of harmony and refuge. If your husband can't help you build such an environment, you may for your health and sanity, have to move on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Perhaps you could explain to your husband that this is just all too much and that you are not comfortable in your own homeYou could then offer a compromise where you have at least three of the evenings per week where you have no visitorsThis will allow you to adjust slowly to the hustle and bustle of a normal family life which you have not had growing up as you have
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A
male
reader, DV1  +, writes (24 April 2011):
 I think that you've grown used to your life and how things are. Change doesn't just come from your surroundings, it comes from within. I think that instead of staying quiet and becoming anti-social, you should say something. In a marraige, both sides should be willing to compromise. If your husband isn't willing to compromise to make you happy, maybe you guys aren't right for each other. It also sounds like you might have an unconscious issue with him having a big family, considering that you didn't. This may just not be a good mix, especially after having read that you considered leaving. You knew that he had children going into the relationship, correct? If you wanted peace and quiet, you shouldn't have got involved with someone who had kids. It sounds like you may have just made the wrong choice, and maybe are better off alone, where you can enjoy peace and quiet. It's either that, or come out of your shell and try and adapt.
-- DV
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