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female
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*esos
writes: I am a 39 yr old divorced single mother. I was married for 11 years to an emotionally abusive man. Then, I dated a man for almost 3 years who ended up being physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. I left him and finally after 8 months, began to date again. I have been dating for 3 years now. I have dumped every boyfriend over these past 3 yrs. But,it was because the guy ended up being "weird" or I would see "abusive" and controlling tendencies. I think I have finally met the most amazing man,(he is 44 yrs old). We are connecting on every level, but due to my past abusive relationships, I am having a hard time trusting him. We have only been dating for over a week, but getting along great. I realize it takes time to know someone. But, I feel in my gut that this man is for real and a very loving man. I feel my distrust in men are keeping me from enjoying this relationship. How do I get over my trust issues so that I can finally have the best relationship ever?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2006): First and foremost, in order to trust this man, you need to trust yourself to make the wise decisions required, in attaining any happiness and love. Trust takes time and is earned. Take it slow..give yourself that because you deserve it, dear. Just realize though, every new relationship is a risk. Take your time handing your heart over to someone, just go day by day and laugh, have fun and build on what you are experiencing with this new man. I think it's important to realize, however, that in any relationship we undertake, one can never control the future actions of your beloved, in regards to trust so there are no guaruntees. You've been through hell..you've paid your dues and you got wounded deeply. From that you became strong but a bit wary and disllusioned. You know more than anyone, that trust is foundational, it's at the core of all meaningful love relationships. So, if this new man is consistently demonstrating his reliability, is treating you well, has been totally honest---he will earn your trust but give yourself time to get there. Those past painful human experiences contributed to your growth and development and made you a stronger, empowered woman. You know what you want and I respect that. So be proud, go slow and you will trust again. He sounds wonderful, by the way...good luck!
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