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female
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anonymous
writes: HiI have been separated now for 2.5 years; it was a very amicable split (really). Since I moved out, I have gone round to help my ex with the children (I'm not their mother), household chores etc every hour I don't work, with exception of my Wednesday, Saturday nights off. I have the children to stay with me one night a week. When my ex has a date I babysit and frequently offer to have the children an extra night to extend their time together.When I go round my ex, seems quite happy for me to do everything or to spend time on phone to friends. We talk and I'm told all the relationship problems, worries, I have often received calls in middle of night. In short I have done all I can to support my ex.Trouble is I have a VERY demanding job running a small software company and my ex will frequently call expecting me to help her out with the children, or baby sit early while getting ready for a date -and I'm beginning to feel used. Well the final straw was added to my back and I burst, we argued, I was left sobbing while I was shouted at. Unable to be heard I wrote a letter expressing my feelings, precise examples of how I've been put on over last week (because I'm always asked "when" and "what" but can't remember in argument) but my main point was that I do all I do, when most estranged partners, even the most amicable, never help to the extent I do. All I wanted was recognition/achnowledgement of this fact and I am now being accused of abandoning my ex -but this time I won't back down.I feel terrible to have hurt my ex like this, however I can't carry on like this.What should I do?Ok, before you answer, you should know that the reason for my split is because I used to be her husband and am now a woman. I do appreciate that most people either hate or don't understand my condition but surely this shouldnt be a factor?Many thanksLoveMelanie
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female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (22 March 2006):
 I think that you and your ex just need to set some boundaries and make sure that neither of you over burden each other.
I would wait until things calm down and then perhaps have a chat about how to make things fair. Obviously you want to help and support your ex and that is fantastic but you shouldn't be running yourself ragged trying to do so.
I would suggest perhaps there are times and nights which you can help out and then perhaps time that is strictly your own. Ie. you cannot help out on Thursdays and Fridays etc.
Stick to these times. Make sure that she knows there are boundaries.
Also perhaps if you have a relative or someone who can also help out every now and again, maybe you can suggest that once a fortnight when she asks, perhaps your cousin or sibling or someone the children know and trust may be available for the odd couple of hours of babysitting.
I think that it is understandable that you are feeling a little used and it is commendable that you are happy to help but set some boundaries, talk about them with your ex and make sure that she respects that you need some time to yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2006): I do not believe that you being a transvestite or cross dresser has to do with the situation. First of all, were you the father of your children? If not, then you're not liable for doing anything. However, I'm sure there are emotional attachments, but even then, it isn't your responsibility to look after them. It is your ex's.
You have your own life to live now. Why are you putting so much emotional and physical weight on your shoulders? When you made the choice to switch genders, and when you and your ex accepted that, your life changed according to your needs.
Yes, you've hurt her, and possibly the family, but you have your own life to live. You can continue to show your support for her children, but ultimately, the life you have now, is your's and your's alone.
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