A
female
age
51-59,
*hyginger
writes:Looking for a man's perspective...I bought my husband a popular men's magazine because I get turned on at the thought of him being turned on by looking at other women. I am 100% straight, but I also get turned on by the magazines.Why would my husband downplay his enjoyment of the magazine when I'm the one who got it for him? I'm so confused. It seems so disingenuous and, sorry, but unmanly (and a turn off for me) for him to act like he's doing something wrong by enjoying the pictures. I imagined that a man would be thrilled for his wife to not only be okay with this, but to even buy him the magazines. He's acting like he'll be in trouble with me if he admits he likes it. I've never given him reason to think so. What else can I do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (18 May 2010):
 And more information pours in. The picture is really changing rapidly now. We have more past and a better understanding of what you want.
Westmoreland, Who obviously didn't share your husbands catholic upbringing, seems to have hit it on the head. Now, while we understand that you would be open to that, the question is why isn't your husband. It is the same reason he clams up when the topic turns to sex. He just isn't comfortable saying those words.
I think the magazine was a good idea, but it fizzled. Now the question is what will help ease him out. You are using the right kids of words when you say "explore, play, and have fun." I'm just not sure how to translate that into Catholic.
Like many non-catholic people I believe that sex is essentially good. It can be messy but it is only Dirty if it is used improperly. For example , abusive use, or using it dishonestly to coerce someone. Or the Use of sex without the backing committed relationship (marriage). Sex is part of the glue that holds a marriage together. It pulls the couple together emotionally, intimately.
But in order to work it has to be fun. The greatest of games because it is shared only by 2. The secret that only you share.
I still think you are not getting enough words from him. It won't happen overnight. One little triumph at a time. What do you think would work?
FA
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): If I was presented with that, I'd think I was stepping on dangerous turf... I guess like what FA stated, there are so many ways to lose at this point, I better stay very, very still.I'm impressed by how carefully you use logic to counter your emotions when they are making you illogical. Most people can't do that.This may be unrelated... I've heard that, when a pair has an issue to discuss, both men and women will become increasingly agitated until the problem is discussed.After the discussion, women will generally become calmed, while men remain at the top level of agitation. (Until they go to bed or something I guess.)I think they said it applied to arguments, I think it's a bit wider in scope than that.It sort of explains why women like to discuss things, and men don't. Good luck, even if this message may have been just a detour :P
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A
female
reader, shyginger +, writes (17 May 2010):
shyginger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmale reader, anonymous, 5/17/10
Nope. That's not it. I shared with him that I would like to buy him the magazine before I even got it and asked if it would be okay. He responded with a big smile and led me into the bedroom.
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A
female
reader, shyginger +, writes (17 May 2010):
shyginger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFA,
Thank you for your reply. This one doesn't fit, but I really appreciate your generosity with your time and thoughts. : )
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A
female
reader, shyginger +, writes (17 May 2010):
shyginger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwestmoreland,
Thank you SO much for sharing that! I just 'knew' I wasn't the only one! It just got really awkward for both my husband and myself since he was raised to be a 'good catholic' and since I was raised to feel dirty and ashamed and literally beaten when I didn't.
I'm now a healthy adult with the sexual maturity of an awkward teenager. But I am so ready to explore, to play, to have fun.
You've given me some ideas. : ) Thanks!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): because its something he doesn't want you to present. sometime in the past, you would have made a big fuss about something like this. that memory has stuck on with him. he would rather be safe than sorry.
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A
male
reader, westmoreland +, writes (8 May 2010):
 Through out my entire life since high school there has usually been a magazine featuring photos of nude women laying around somewhere in my bedroom or apartment and almost every girlfriend of mine would, upon noticing it, pick it up and enjoy flipping threw it. We would lay on my bed on our tummies side by side and examine each picture and point out who had fake boobs, who had a sexy butt, good hips, weird eyebrows etc. And then that would lead to me getting turned on and then me getting her turned on and then, you know.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (4 May 2010):
Ginger,
We are closing in on this. You two are communicating better than I thought. In a minute I'm going to attempt a translation for you. First I'm going to talk about communication. You say he will discuss sexual topics with you for a limited time only. Then he shuts down. What you are missing is that shutting down is part of the communication. Women want words. You aren't getting as many as you want. He is apparently getting most of your messages both verbal and nonverbal. You seem to be satisfied with his level of comprehension. So you may have one way communication. Or errors in translation. That is why I want to attempt a translation.
Disclaimer: My translation is based on the information that I have, which I know is incomplete.
Ginger: Here is a present for you, please enjoy it (for me). (I'm making a sacrifice for you because I want you to open up)
Husband: Thank you. I'll just put this over here (where it will be safe) You can see how much I (don't ) look at it. (because it makes me uneasy to do this with you watching) (as a matter of fact I'm uncomfortable talking about it) (I'm so uncomfortable about it that I would just like to stop now)
Ginger: Don't you like it? (what is wrong?)
Husband: (I just told you I don't like it) It's nice. . . (I'm afraid) (why can't we have a sexual relationship without the talking)
Ginger: ( Why can't he talk about all the great things we do?)
I hope that helps you to understand the huge volume of nonverbal communication that is going on. I don't think the magazines are going to crack his shell. Go right ahead with another approach. I often recommend role playing because it allows you to step out of yourself. Games can work as well. But you have to get him to agree to play. And you may have to enforce the rules. I would also recommend a change of scenery.
FA
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A
female
reader, shyginger +, writes (3 May 2010):
shyginger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response, FA.
I don't get jealous, exactly, but sometimes close to my monthly cycle I feel crummy and emotional and need reassurance. I think I do a pretty good job of recognizing it and letting logical prevail over my passing emotions, but once in awhile (maybe 3 times/year) it catches me off-guard.
Wow, your third paragraph is spot on. And I never thought of it that way..."these things happen...on both sides of the mattress."
Re: movies, we have never watched them. I was making assumptions and was trying to make sense of solo vs couple activities, beyond the obvious, that is.
You said, "You need to make sure that he understands how much you enjoy that." That makes sense. But he won't give me more than 60 seconds conversations time (when sex or anything sensual is the topic) even if it is only me sharing what I love that he already does. On the other hand, lately I'm realizing that his time is not the same as my time. I may be just impatient, because he does seem to internalize our very very brief conversations. He sure can surprise me. And I wouldn't really want it any other way because then it wouldn't feel genuine.
About the magazine, though, I really would like to even get him a subscription. But although I'm pretty secure with myself and very secure with him, I still will have 'stinkin thinkin' insecurities try to pop up that I feel I deal with mostly successfully by applying logic and because I trust my husband with my life.
And maybe it's childish, but I guess I feel like my dealing in a mature healthy way is part of my gift to him. I want to honor him as my husband and as a man. I understand that variety is a big thing with the male species... not just 'popular', but part of how men are wired. (unless I'm way off.) And when he says things like, "The magazine is at the back of the pile, so you see how much I (don't) look at it," I feel like my gift of understanding, honoring and dealing are rejected. Then I guess I feel rejected. And like a weirdo, because I've "stepped out of the box and now I feel alone."
Part of it, too, I guess is that I'm not even sure what it is I'm looking for out of this. it's so new to me, too. If it's a gift, then I should give it unconditionally, right? It's then his to do what he wants with it, right? Maybe I'm fooling myself and I'm not as secure and selfless as I would like to think? I'm not convinced of that, but I'm so confused. It's like there's something there that I can't put my finger on, even though I've been able to words to some of it in this reply. Is it fear of the unknown maybe? Am I afraid?
I'm confusing myself... : )
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (3 May 2010):
All good questions Ginger. What you are trying to do is to allow you husband to have sexual stimulation from another source than you. You are being open and thinking about his pleasure. Those are healthy attitudes on your part. But, Yes, you have invited another person into the equation. The trick is for you to not get jealous of this other woman. As long as you can do that this will work.
You husband is pretty smart, By not making a big deal about the girls in the pictures he is reassuring you that you are the #1.
You feel disappointed with his level of enthusiasm, but you are not sure. You designed a gift for him, you put some thought into it, you had high hopes for a very erotic response from him. It fizzled when it should have boomed. So you feel let down. These things happen, on both sides of the mattress.
About the solo activity. I have to admit that that was a guess on my part. I guessed that at some time in his youth he acquired some pornographic material. He probably kept it as a secret and enjoyed it alone. Now he doesn't know how to translate that into a shared activity with you. Even if it is you supplying the material and him using it later. Part of the confusion in his mind is that you enjoy watching him become aroused. You need to make sure that he understands how much you enjoy that. That includes not pouting when the model has bigger "endowments" than you. If you two watch blue films together I'm confused. It could still be that he sees that as one activity and magazines as another. Men tend to think in boxes.
Now about the test thing. You are right it is bad. It is kind of like you asking him if a certain outfit makes you look fat. It is a complete set up that has no right answer. I really loved that you said "What is there to test?" I don't know if you remember the "Temptation Island" reality TV series. It's like that. A jealous girl who doesn't trust her man will give him permission to do something that would be against the "rules." Tells him to go ahead and have fun. Then gets all indignant if he does exactly what she told him to do. Now here is the tricky part, say he refuses to accept her permission. Then he has rejected her gift and doesn't trust her. Say he accepts the gift but doesn't go all the way. Then he isn't a real man. It really doesn't matter what he does she had already decided to leave him. The test was just to give her a reason to let him go. I guessed that your husband has heard a story about this. It is enough to scare the enthusiasm out of the horniest man.
Now you mentioned that your husband isn't talking to you about this, and possibly other things. That is not good. You need to coax him out of his shell on this. You will need to be securely alone for the conversation and you will need to get him relaxed. But in the end I can guess, only he can tell you what is really going on.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): Is this the first magazine you have bought him? He probably just needs to get his head round the fact that you are ok with it
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A
female
reader, shyginger +, writes (2 May 2010):
shyginger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you FA! I'm okay with him keeping them in the bathroom and enjoying solo exclusively. Do you consider that also bringing a third party into the bedroom? I just would like to consider what I'm getting myself into since you mention I'm playing with fire. And I do tend to act before thinking.
I don't know why (I'm trying to figure it out) that it hurts my feelings that since I'm the one who got this for him, why he couldn't/wouldn't relax a little bit. I'm sorry there are women out there who would "test" there husband with this. What is there to test? I don't get it, but it doesn't sound good.
Also, why is that a solo activity and an erotic movie is not? I'm not trying to be cheeky, just trying to learn.
Thank you so much for your reply. I crave a man's perspective because my husband doesn't/can't/won't talk and I really, really want to do good by him.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (2 May 2010):
You are taking a solo activity and trying to make it a shared activity. He is unsure how to handle this. Rightfully so. There are plenty of women out there who would do exactly this as a "test". You are going to have to lead him along. Cuddle up with him and the magazine and enjoy it together.
Now, let me add a disclaimer. You are playing with fire here. What you are doing is inviting a third person into the bedroom. Yes, even if it is just her pictures. All of the problems that can come with a threesome can come into your relationship.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): Tell him its okay to enjoy the magazine in front of you...
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