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male
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anonymous
writes: Hello. I feel sad just typing this in.My problem is that I have been dating a brilliant girl for a year now. I am in my 30's and she is a couple of years younger. I have never been treated this special by anyone before.Back to the problem: I am just not physically attracted to her. I hoped things would change with me as time went on, but its been a year now and I feel the same. I love doing everyday things with her, but not the physical side. Sometimes I dread going to bed because I know I will not be able to perform because I don't 'feel' anything in that area.I really wish I was attracted to her, but I'm not and its making me so unhappy.What do I do? At times I seriously consider ending the relationship, but because she's been so brilliant to me, I can't do that to her, so to make sure she stays happy, I just keep myself unhappy - but this is causing a strain now.Please advise. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (26 May 2006):
 I agree with everyone else here, you need to be honest with her and tell her it's not working for you. Of course she'll be hurt, and she'll want to know why you suddenly feel this way, but I see no point staying in a relationship where you feel no physical attraction, it will only be a matter of time before you start looking elsewhere.
It's obvious you feel enough for her not to want to hurt her, but you are with her under false pretences. I'm sure she would be devastated should you tell her you like her company but don't fancy her,especially after a year. Not sure how you should end the relationship, only you know her, and how she'll take it, but you should call it a day, as painfull as it will be for you both.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 Hi hon,
I've been the girl in a relationship like yours, and I can tell you in all honestly that it sucks to be the only one attracted. The only thing worse is being the unwitting cast member of a farce that keeps her ignorant.
You're making yourself unhappy, and she's only going to remain ignorant for a while longer. Unless she's a major thickie, she's going to put two-and-two together soon, and work out that you have no interest in her. Then she'll be unhappy, as well as embarrassed that you thought she was too delicate to survive the truth.
Trust that the woman you're with is strong enough to accept reality. She might love you, but she's not going to have much respect for you if you continue to lie about this.
You need to tell her that you like her, but that the chemistry isn't there for you. (Try to avoid saying you're "not attracted"; she'll immediately think it's something she can correct, like legs are lumpy, or she can get a makeover or something.) Do it like removing a bandaid: quick and purposefully, with the objective of the minimum of pain.
Don't promise you can be friends, if you don't think you can, especially if she thinks that's a stepping stone back to your heart ('Voice Of Experience' here).
Remember that you're dealing with a strong, adult woman. She might not like it, but she won't lie down and die because of the facts. If the roles were reversed, you'd want the Truth, wouldn't you?
Be strong.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 Don't strain yourself. Life is to short to be in an unhappy relationship. I don't suggest telling her that your unattracted to her but tell her that you just want to be friends. She will be hurt of course but you have to be true to yourself first. "I" comes before"U" in the dictionary. All your gonna do is end up hurting her by cheating with someone you do feel is attractive. Let her hurt like this that way you can always have her as a friend.
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