A
female
age
41-50,
*anniepeg
writes:I met my boyfriend online and it has been 7 months. He lives an hour away in a house in the rural with an 87 year old dad. He commutes 1 hour each way to work in the city. I live in the city. He visits me once a week but sometimes once in two weeks because he has work to do at home. He is devoted, totally husband and father material. Chemistry is good. I ask him what his plans are for the next few years regarding living situation and he says we weren't at the stage to talk about that yet. I myself have the curiosity to know where he is going to live after his dad dies but of course I am not going to ask that in the exact words. I am in no rush to get married or anything. I am fine with the pace we are at. Although a partner to go on weekend trips with would be nice. We talk on the phone. At the beginning we were curious about each other. We got into conflicts because I voiced that this is like a long distance relationship. He disagreed and he said feelings is all that matters. I am not a talker myself and hate making conversations. Since our contact is through the phone I find it hard when he keeps me on the phone. I had expressed to him that it's not that I am distancing him, or losing interest. It's just I don't like talking on the phone. I have always been the quiet one growing up. I will be glad to meet with him whenever he comes over. If he has en emergency at home I will be glad to drive over there and help him. So I do care about him. On the phone it gets annoying when he fillsin silences with "do you hear me?" or repeats what he's saying over and over. It is getting stressful in the evening when I have to pick up the phone. Each phone call is like an hour long. He is a long winded person and he also likes the reassurance that I still like him. If I go quiet he automatically assumes that there's something wrong or I am hiding things. I have told him I don't like talking on the phone in general but he's hoping that it's just a bad day for me, like pms. If I happen to have good conversation it means that I am extra creative that day and I have enough in my brain to handle the converssation. I have never been a social person. Sometimes I feel like not picking up the phone when I have enough. I have told him that limiting phone calls to 20 minutes max is good. So far it hasn't been successful. There are many times I want to cut it short but it sounds rude to just say good night so I just keep quiet, do other things to distract myself and hope he says good night for me. Any ideas on how to get him to feel it's okay to talk less?We have exchanged I love yous. At this stage in my life I have enough of waiting, talking, but no action. Romance is good but if he is selling me a dream I am happy to be single. He does not have savings to buy a house but will talk about the places he likes to live in, the spaciousness, the privacy etc. He is a good person and he deserves love. I am not interested in dating others but I am concerned about not satisfying him when we are apart. I won't feel like missing anything if we don't talk on the phone daily. It drains me to have to mention my dislike of the phone, again.
View related questions:
I love you, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012): Just think...in the amount of time he spends with you on the phone, he could have just come over to see you. I don't think it's ever a good sign when a guy uses the phone to keep you at a distance. Perhaps he's emotionally unavailable or wants to keep his options open. You, on the other hand, sound ready and willing for a relationship and I don't think you limiting your phone time will spur him into seeing you more. Perhaps not enough chemistry is there for him or you're not his type.
You list your age as in your thirties so I'd get serious about your love life and stop wasting time in fantasy relationships. Date only men who take you out on dates, who make you a priority, want to see you all the time, and you'll be a lot happier...not to mention more successful in love.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 June 2012):
janniepeg is verified as being by the original poster of the question That's true but here girls also get so crazy in love with their online boyfriends. It's a stereotype that men are distancers and need space. I am not afraid that my boyfriend will fall out of love once we are together daily. I also discover that I have phone phobia which doesn't help. When my boyfriend calls he feels he is next to me, while I feel he is like a stranger. When we get together we are wonderful and have great times. He anticipates phone calls. He calls it phone dates. I don't and I don't get the satisfaction he does with the phone. I am not a good representation of myself when I am on the phone.
Younger men propose to women in hopes of getting love and sex from the women. Older men who had been hurt would not risk it until they know the woman loves just as much. I know I won't be getting this treatment from him if he had not been hurt and used before for many years.
In order to close the gap I am willing to quiet my stubborn self and say I love him more often. I am going to make it a fun and creative project making him feel that I am just the right woman for him because we reciprocate each other's love. I can be quite a player but I am doing it for the right and necessary reasons.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 June 2012):
 I have heard that men need distance to fall in love and women need to be together...
If you need to see someone daily then you are not cut out for an LDR.... unless you two come up with a plan to end the distance... and a time...
we had a plan to end the distance and we moved it up from August 2012 to December 2011....
the sooner an LDR couple ends the gap the better...
if you two can't come up with an agreeable plan then I think there is a fundamental problem that can't be solved.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 June 2012):
janniepeg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe said I need to say I love you when I get off the phone otherwise he feels offended. He feels distance makes the heart grow fonder while I am "out of signt,out of mind" kind of person. If my feelings of intensity don't match his, then he thinks I lost interest, am talking to other guys so there would be another argument. It's just how I work that I need to see the person in a constant daily basis to feel connected to them. So I don't agree with him in that way. My mom says that his inability to meet me more is slowing down the progress in this relationship. At least someone agrees with me here.
Do you think I am not suitable for long term relationships? I am not a person to feign an interest, as much as I feel he will be a good husband in the future. I have done that and I felt sick about myself.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 June 2012):
It’s bothering you and you have every right to figure out how to fix it… so let’s see…
I don’t want you to be phony.. that is NOT at all what I’m saying… IF you say “I need to go to sleep and he ignores you, that’s not good”… have you tried the broken record technique?
That’s easy and very annoying… when you are ready to go you say to EVERYTHING
“hon, I have to go”… and he says
“But one more minute…” “no I have to go”
What do you think about such and such “NOTHING I HAVE TO GO”
“but I want to talk to you more” I know but I HAVE TO GO NOW… I WILL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW I PROMISE” and then say “love you bye and hang up….
You don’t have to say a lie… “I HAVE TO GO” is enough… it’s not a lie it’s the truth you have to get off the phone….
IF he is so needy that he needs to talk on the phone for two hours every night and you can’t you can say to him:
“Sweetie we have to cut back on phone time… would you rather a short daily contact call or two calls a week that are longer? And let him choose… BUT much like children who have to learn to make choices you have to give him choices to make….
I get what you are saying... J and I used to talk on the phone for hours sometimes ... and then he realized that i wanted DAILY contact but was happy some days with 3 minutes in the morning.. and then what we came to call "my bedtime tuck in" and I'd get into bed and call him and say "I'm in bed ready to go to sleep ready to tuck me in"
sometimes those calls were 2 minutes and once in a while they ran longer... we've both fallen asleep on the phone to each other... but usually we tried to be respectful of the other's needs.
I needed daily contact. He did not but he compromised with me and since he gave me daily contact I was able to let him get off the phone when he wanted...
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 June 2012):
janniepeg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI spend weekends with him. He had been in a serious relationship. He does want to be in a relationship now. I don't mind being single. I just don't like using phone calls as a substitute as a real relationship. I don't feel he is using excuses not to see me so it will feel very fake if I throw this back at him. He does enjoy spending time with me. There are times I said I need to sleep but he kept going. One time I felt irritated but didn't know how to stop him. We got into an argument and that took 2 hours. I was trying to piss him off hoping that would deter him from talking to me. I bet he enjoyed that, occupying my mental space. He just didn't get it. He would do anything to make sure there is a conversation going, even if that's an argument. I had asked him why he never lets me go on the phone and he said I was just picking up a fight when I said that. I guess I just have to be rude and not pick up the phone.
This is not some abused spouse or porn question, but it is bothering me so much that I think if the problem goes away and he complains that I don't love him, then I would just leave him alone.
Please keep the advice going.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 June 2012):
You actually say one thing and then say a totally different thing in your post…
You are not children… you are adults and at 7 months asking him where we stand got you the “I don’t know” it’s too soon statement. That to me would not be a concern if it was the only red flag I saw.
The fact that he chooses to live with his dad is troubling. Has he ever been in a serious relationship? Is it possible he’s using being with dad to avoid being a husband and father?
I would assume his dad owns the house and he will be left the house as part of his inheritance… that would make sense…
You say you are in no rush to get married and that’s fine AND that you are ok with the pace you are at but then you indicate that you don’t spend weekends together so you don’t travel. I assume he uses “I have to take care of dad” as an excuse….. and later you say “I have had enough of waiting” as if you know that you will be waiting for a while here…. I sense that dad is a big problem. Well dad may die soon or he could live another 10 years….
And you are correct it is much like an LDR if you are an hour apart on only see each other once a week or every other week. IF we had been just an hour apart when we were LDR we would have been together full time I’m sure.
He doesn’t like to visit but he wants to talk… you have to learn to control the conversation if you want to continue this…
How about when you answer the phone “Oh sweetie I’m so glad you called now I have 20 minutes to spare then I have to go do some work” (his statement to you that he has work to do at home and why he can’t visit more often is now being used to throw it back to him) then set the time for 20 minutes and when it goes off say… “oops there’s my alarm… gotta run… love you talk to you tomorrow” and HANG UP. Then don’t answer the phone that night..
Also tell him… “if I don’t answer the phone tomorrow don’t panic I have stuff that I have to do… (even if it’s napping) and then don’t answer the phone… if you are happy with everything else then train him to accept what you want and need…
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): I care for my 75 year old mother, and honestly I can tell no matter how much I have thought about where I will live once I am no longer looking after her, I just don't have an answer, partly because as expected I do not know when that time will actually be, and because it is painful to think of that time. For me it comes down to either she will be in a home because her health is that bad I cannot physically care her, or worse she will no longer be alive, and that will be a whole other pain. Obviously if she is in a home, I stay local and close by to visit, if the other situation, I really don't know where i would be living.
As for the phone calls, My guess would be that between work and caring for his elderly father, he is just craving some good conversation and it seems that as his partner he is relying on you for that. I understand what you mean about not liking to talk on the phone much, I am the same, and it is hard when someone likes to talk for a long time on the phone and your not into long phone conversations yourself. Next time you are together, I would suggest having a talk, and let him know that you love him, and you love talking to him, but you just can't handle an hour long conversation every day, so the limit of 20 minutes from now on is what you need, and if you do feel extra chatty you will let him know and on those occasions you will let him know and you will talking. Also let him know that if there is something he really needs talk about that you will be there for him, it's just a bit much for you when it's just normal chit-chat stuff.
I hope this helps. Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): Simple solution: Tell him you think the phone calls are way too long. He probably feels the same.
...............................
|
