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I am having a lesbian affair even though I'm not gay. What is wrong with me!

Tagged as: Dating, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 February 2009) 8 Answers - (Newest, 26 February 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, *ntothewoods writes:

Dear Cupid.

I am in a loving relationship with a guy who i am intending to spend the rest of my life with. And i think i am about to start a serious affair with a GIRL from work. I know what i am doing is wrong and immoral and do feel guilty. However i really feel that if i dont sleep with this girl and i do spend the rest of my life with my current boyfriend, i never will get to sleep with a girl and i want to so much. Ive been having dreams about it for years, the desire is so strong Im finding it impossible to supress despite all the risks and hurt I know i will cause if i'm discovered. I dont even know what it is about sleeping with a woman im so obsessed with i just cant help it. Its not this particular girl, in fact i dont think i really like her that much. its just the idea of doing it. i think about it all the time, even when im having sex with my boyfriend. but i cant imagine being a relationship with a woman so i dont think i am gay.

I am in desperate need of advice, I am very confused, and want to seek help before i get involved too deeply and cant retract my actions.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009):

be honest with him thats the only caring & respectful thing to do. I didnt tell my partner I was gay for 15 years & the effects were loss of job, marrige, house, family, relationship & partner & children, followed by mental health issues & guilt. I should have given them the option of walking away as friends but no I ignored my inner feelings & years later they emerged again but stronger & more unavoidable. Do the decent thing say goodbye, have your experiment if it does not work then with your dignaty & self esteme intact.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009):

Well, things will never be the same. Even if you get back with your boyfriend. Remember the saying, curiosity kills the cat? I'm just preparing you for the worst, because doing something like this is experimental, but the effects can last a lifetime.

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A female reader, intothewoods United Kingdom +, writes (17 February 2009):

intothewoods is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I have told my boyfriend i want a trial seperation. He is fine with this and we are living apart for 6 weeks. during this time i am hoping to try out my feelings with this girl and see what happens.

Only trouble is last weekend my boyfriend took me on a really romantic weekend away to say good bye, and i realised how much i love him. I feel less interested in persuing my desire now I can feel it is actually going to happen. Still this maybe just confusion because it hurts me to spend time away from him.

Also this girl is going through a similar thing to me, she has just left her fiance because she thinks she is a lesbian, and is relying on me to cheer her up. If i do sleep with her and her feelings for me grow deeper i dont think i will be able to handle that. especially knowing that i intent to get back with my boyfriend after the 6 weeks.

But everyone thank you so much for you kind responses. I genuinely do feel better about the whole thing just from hearing other people can understand what i'm going through!

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A female reader, intothewoods United Kingdom +, writes (17 February 2009):

intothewoods is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I have told my boyfriend i want a trial separation. He is fine with this and we are living apart for 6 weeks. during this time i am hoping to try out my feelings with this girl and see what happens.

Only trouble is last weekend my boyfriend took me on a really romantic weekend away to say good bye, and i realised how much i love him. I feel less interested in persuing my desire now I can feel it is actually going to happen. Still this maybe just confusion because it hurts me to spend time away from him.

Also this girl is going through a similar thing to me, she has just left her fiance because she thinks she is a lesbian, and is relying on me to cheer her up. If i do sleep with her and her feelings for me grow deeper i dont think i will be able to handle that. especially knowing that i intent to get back with my boyfriend after the 6 weeks.

But everyone thank you so much for you kind responses. I genuinely do feel better about the whole thing just from hearing other people can understand what i'm going through!

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A male reader, nichiren United States +, writes (11 February 2009):

nichiren agony auntif the feelings are that powerful then you are sexually attracted to women as well as men.

and it will keep plaguing you until you meet the desire head on.

by all means sleep with the girl but break up with your boyfriend first.

it isnt fair for him to get cheated on just because you do not want to be open and honest about your feelings.

at least tell him how you feel and he may accept it.

but do not go behind his back.

the experience would be one that you learn from though.

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A female reader, love my man but! United States +, writes (10 February 2009):

It is natural to have feelings of a sexual manner towards other women As babies and chilren who was it that loved us and comforted us (Mom) there is nothing wrong with wanting and feeling the need to explore this side of love again without feeling embarrased or worried about being emorral it is very natural to long for nurturing from a woman it is a need that all feamles long for and that a man can not give. try it and see where it goes.. it could be a one time only need that gets met and you can more on but if you dont the need the want and curiosty will only get stronger as time goes on. It does not mean your gay!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2009):

You are pushing your TRUE feelings so deep inside yourself, you cannot ignore your sexuality, it will come out one day. Yes sleep with this girl, do it behind your b/f back. I think it's better you do it now then years down the road when you and your b/f both wasted your time together.

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A female reader, SoftlyCaress United States +, writes (10 February 2009):

SoftlyCaress agony auntI dont think you are a lesbian but it could be that you are bi or just bi curious .I have also went through the same thing and went through with it .I enjoyed it and know what it is about probably wont do it again but at the same time dont know yet.So i say go ahead and try it could be all you want is a sample of the lifestyle and then you wouldnt want it again could be you loved it and would prefer to keep doing it but if you dont do it you will go through the rest of your life saying why didnt I or wondering heck I wonder what it would have been like to have followed through.It doesnt make you a bad person it makes you HUMAN! Anyways good luck with your exsperience.......

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