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female
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*illywombat
writes:I am asking this question as I am now at the end of my tether (and it has been a long one). My Mum and my Step-dad (who I adore) are splitting up after 22 years together! I am gutted. Mum left him for another man because basically all the love had gone out of the relationship and she felt neglected. I know she tried to turn things around but it didn't happen. But I am trying so hard to play fair between the two of them. I am cross with my Mum for bringing a third party into a dying marraige and cross now with my step-dad for lavishing on his new woman all my mum wanted when they were together, but NEVER got in the final years.Why am I writing this? Well, partly to find out if there are any other adult 'survivors' of parental divorce out there and how it affected them. And also to see if my being so upset over the death of their relationship is normal!!Help you lot, i know you can. And it's alright, I won't get offended if anyone tells me to grow up and get on with things!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2006): Stability is central to anyone's development and happiness. Divorce is in direct violation to this.
My Dad has said that children are resilient and can take it; it's when they hit their teens and by mid 30's divorce, fights, violence, family dischord of any sort...takes its toll.
This will pass and really; talk to someone who can validate and help you maintain a healthy perspective.
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (31 December 2006):
willywombat is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks malyce
It is true, age of me and all - I feel rootless without my Mum and stepdads house to go to. Bizarre when I have my own. My son has sailed thru it - I am the whingey one who can't get her head round it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2006): Hey Willy,
All children...yes all, desire their parents to remain married period. They have this inate desire for family and two parents in a home can offer so much more than a sinlge parent. It is designed this way for many good and practical reasons.
Even when said children grow into adulthood; they have this desire.
Let the world attack and go at you when you are outside your home but take joy in knowing you can return home where you are valued, praised, loved, respected, cherished, and where you know you matter. That this is no longer a reality and much needed indefinetly...yes be angry and remorse; feel your sorrow and know why.
Agency...it doesn't always bring happiness but you, yourself can endure this difficult time with the support of your family.
Do pick up the book; I found it helpful to get understanding what my children would be going through as well as put words and bring understanding what I was angry about my horrid childhood.
Survivors are amongst the Elite. *wink*
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (31 December 2006):
willywombat is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, for those of you who don't know me I am nearly 36 and have not lived at home for nearly 18 years....so why does it hurt so much that these two peopl who I love tear each other apart. I know that MY house is now MY family base, but I miss the warmth and fun our family had at theirs! I FULLY understand why the vreakup happens but I feel sort of 'baseless' er.... 'lost' maybe would be a better word. When my Mum got divorced from my Dad (as opposed to stepdad) he had been playing away. It didn't really affect me quite so much (early adolesence) when it allegedly should have sent me off the rails. But now, it hurts like a b*tch and I find myself crying like a baby!!!
ARGH! This is odd, I feel like a kid again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): You don't have to play fair. Both of your parents shouldn't be getting you to side with either one of them.
May I suggest a book to pick up and read? It is such a good read and will give you insight as well as support to know that what you are feeling is valid and real and if you are angry at them; you have a right to be.
It is titled "Between Two Worlds" the inner lives of children of divorce by Elizabeth MARQUARDT
Bottom line, lay down some ground rules, get some counselling for yourself and maybe separately with both parents, buy them this book to read, and Forgive.
Things will get calmer when you have the support you need and both parents stop spilling their anger and resentment onto you.
*Hugs*
Take Care.
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female
reader, Juliette +, writes (30 December 2006):
 I am breaking up my marriage after 27 years and I am amazed at how OK my three adult children seem to be about it. My youngest is 21 and cannot wait to move to our new, but downmarket house. I find myself feeling sorry for my ex to be and concerned that my children are unlikely to even visit him. I think it is normal to be upset though, especially if you have had a good relationship with both of them. I don't know if you still live at home, but as an adult it does not mean your relationship with them has to end. It could actually be positive and move onto new possibilities for them both where you could be included. You say your step-dad did not lavish in the later years, on your mother what he is lavishing on his new partner. I can identify with that because once you have grown apart from someone, it is not just a matter of reviving your feelings. It is not necessarily within ones control to feel that kind of love with that person and even have a desire for it. I can see my husband needs affection but cannot bring myself to do that any longer, but it doesn't mean I have just stopped caring. At least both your parents have new partners so one of them is not dumped with nothing to fulfil the lonely times once spent with the other person.
I hope you feel better about it soon.
You will have to get on with things, but right now it is a raw time emotionally, so all you can do is try to see your parents seeing what they have has happier times and that you cannot hang onto the fairytale hopes we all start off with for our future.
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