A
male
age
41-50,
*w80
writes:Hello everyoneMy question concerns my uneasy feelings about my partner.I have been with this lady for 3 years, and it has been the best relationship I have ever had in my life. She has gone out of my her way in every sense to make me feel loved, cherished, respected and downright great. This has been such a revelation to me, and I have recently decided to ask her to marry me. I must add that we work on ships. Even though we have been lucky to spend most of our time together, inevitably we have had a few spells of separation, usually me being away (I have a small son from a previous relationship and so need to spend some quality time with him whenever I can). We are apart at this moment for that very reason, due to be reunited on January 6.Shortly before I left for this current holiday my girlfriend got a new job onboard, a great promotion for her and she is doing very well. At the moment we don't know exactly how the schedule will pan out and we might have to spend some time apart for the short term until she can get a permanent position on the same ship as me. That'd the backstory, and thanks for reading so far. Here's why I am writing to this site:For the last couple of weeks I have had a growing and painful sense of unease about our relationship. This is so strange to me, because I have NEVER had it before, even when we were apart. I can't exactly identify why I should feel this, but in some way I feel like an afterthought in my partners life right now. She does phone me every day (mostly) and spends a good hour at a time talking to me. She tells me she loves me, gazes into my eyes (as well as you can on Skype!), sends me kisses over the camera, says she misses me terribly, tells me I'm the only man for her, Etc.... Given these loving gestures, I do not understand why in hell I should feel so insecure, but I do! My gf's previous job was not pleasant. She was constantly put down and stressed out by the company, and she often had a great deal of negative energy to offload after work. Now she seems really peaceful and content, and I wonder if, paradoxically, that very positive fact is making me feel like she doesn't need me now? I haven't thought that in my conscious mind, but still I wonder if it's a factor...I have even started to get a little devil in my mind saying that she's found someone else and when I get back next week she'll drop thebomb on me. That's so absurd really, and I know that a woman who had found another guy is highly unlikely to be acting so loving towards me. But this little devil in my brain won't go away, and at the moment the only time I'm easy in my mind is when I'm talking to my gf. If she doesn't phone me on any particular evening I worry to death. This is SO unlike me, and I wonder what on earth is causing this insecurity, when I have so little evidence for it. One last bit of background info. Before I met my partner, I had been with a woman who dumped me after 7 years and who did it by gradually pulling away from me, until I was in a horrific state of insecurity and doubt. I eventually got her to tell me the truth and then it all came out. Could there be some thing in my current feelings that harks back to that time ? The sensation in my stomach is very similar. I almost feel a sense of grief, and yet I really don't know exactly why.Bless you for reading this long essay. I am trying to sort out my thoughts and I'd be very grateful for any advice you might have.
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female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (28 December 2015):
 Never act on that devilish thought, its going to drown you in sorrow. I dont know you but from what youve just said, she has shown you nothing but love. Calling you all the time and talking to you for an hour...youre a lucky man. Kiss the air, call yourself lucky, hug your son, and call this woman and tell her now.
It doesnt matter what is going on, if you feel good and secure, the relationship IS good and secure. I just have to say this---you are the man. You set the tone for how the relationship feels. If you are insecure, you may rock the boat unknowingly. If you feel secure, no matter if your girl may see a cute guy down the street or whatever, when she comes home and feels good seeing how confident and secure her man is with her, how can she walk away from all that? NO WOMAN IN HER RIGHT MIND WILL EVER WALK AWAY FROM A MAN THAT MAKES HER FEEL THAT SECURE AND LOVED.
Dont take what she gives you for granted. Sorry to hear about your past, but if you love her just show it. Be confident that the last 3 years youve both had together is enough for her to be loyal, loving, and devoted to you.
Be secure in knowing that you are her MAN and you can be her shoulder, her condidante, her lover, and her blanket. If you falter, you may need to look deep inside you and question why you are insecure. It may have nothing to do with her but everything to do with you as a man.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Songwr1ter +, writes (28 December 2015):
Take a deep breath, and calm down. You are insecure, because you are nervous. And it's completely natural to feel that way when you're considering to propose to someone. Push that nasty little devil out of your mind, I think this girl really loves you. Maybe, you should talk to her about your feelings; see if she can reassure you. To me, it seems like it's going relatively well, it's just the issue of being apart, and of your nervousness.
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