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female
,
anonymous
writes: I 've been married for 11 years and for the last three years it has felt like habit and no longer love.I love my husband but it is like i love my brother!! We dont have much in common(never really have) nad now our kids are growing up this is beginning to show a whole lot more.Problem is I've been having an affair for the past few months and although i really like my lover and get on well(we have a lot in common) i feel i should end this and give my marriage 1 last chance as i dont want our kids growing up without their dad and i always believed that a marriage was for life whatever the problems.However how can i just turn off my feelings? My lover is being wonderful and is giving me the space and time i need to make a decision but i miss him and my husband very rarely pays much attention to me although he is trying to be "lovey dovey" when we are out with friends.What should i do? This affair was only supposed to be a bit of fun and now my feelings are so much different i dont seem to know what love is or who i love anymore!!thx
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 I think having an affair is like drinking to solve a problem. When you get sober all you have is the same problem added with a hang-over. Right now you still have the same problem and your feelings for your lover is the hang-over. Communicate with your husband and tell him what is going on because you have wronged him and betrayed trust. If he did the same thing because you were acting funny than how would you take it. Its a relationship, long or otherwise, and you will have ups and downs. You have compiled the problem. Now, you mention that you don't want your kids to grow up without a father but were you thinking that while you were having sex with this other man. Really, what kind of man is he to even get into such a situation. Where is his moral value? Take some time and realize were you want to be. One thing you and I agree on is marriage is forever. You made a vow to love for BETTER or WORSE. Now it just got worse. Key factor communication. Talk it out and find out if he wants to save what you so willingly destroyed. I hope it works out for you because I would hate to see children suffer because their parents are too foolish to conduct themselves for A LITTLE FUN. Harsh but someone had to say it. I really wish you the best.
A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 Hi dearie,
Having an affair is never a solution to a problem one has in a relationship or marriage rather becos it only worsen the situation.My mum is married now for 35 yrs and she tells me that sometimes she sees my dad more like a father, brother, bestfriend and a lover all the same-time becos they have been together forever. She loves him and know that she can count on him at any time and doesnt want to ever loose him. She said it is important to have someone u care deeeply about so that when the passion tries to fade off(which she says happens in longer marriages/relationships)the deeper commitment will reunite the flame back in no time.
My own advise is that you should give yourself some break to think. Go on a holiday if u can afford to, somewhere u can be alone without the presence of your lover. If u can convince your husband then it can be a family vacation, but if u think u can access everything better if u are on your own then either go with your kids(perhaps to stay with ur parents....e.t.c) or go alone. Spend plenty of time without communicating with your lover and make a decision, a lasting one.
I would advise u to make a choice and move on to rebuild your life.Whatever u decide for instance if u want to give your marriage a chance then u have to tell your husband what is going on and go for counselling to get things back on track. If u decide that what u feel for your lover is much more then u have to get a divorce cos there is no point staying in something u arent happy or where u heart isnt.
Take care and goodluck.kelly
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