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writes: Last summer, I(38) went out 5-6 times with a lady, Susan(33).However, things between us didn't work out; she was "not ready for anything heavy due to a busy schedule"I kept in contact ,discreetly,but nothing came of it.Around January 10th, Susan invites me to her place for Sunday brunch with her friends and at brunch, I notice an attractive lady, Vivian(30), who happens to be Susan's best friend(and she notices me!).Anyway, in the following days, I invite Vivian and 3 other friends of Susan's to a party I threw on January 31st(and Susan of course). Susan had given me their numbers.Come the day of the party, I get a text from Susan at about 8:30 , canceling due to illness.What surprised me though is that none of her friends, and especially Vivian, came. There was no text from them to inform me or anything. No contact whatsoever.Another friend, Maria(who had introduced me to Susan), came with her husband and I told her about this turn of events during the party.She said she was meeting Susan for coffee the day after the party(after church) and would try to see what is going on.At coffee the next morning, Susan doesn't mention the party or any of her friends not coming.Maria asks her why she didn't come and she just says she was ill but she says NOTHING about her friend Vivian's absence.All these people are church goers by the way.Maria says I should wait until next Sunday and meet all of them for coffee after church(Viviane will be there too!).The problem is I am not a church goer and I feel it is unnatural to go meet them for coffee after church.Furthermore, I don't think it is a good idea to socialize with Vivian and Susan at the same place.I think I should just call Vivian up, ask her why she didn't come to the party, then just ask her out to coffee or something.If she is accepts, we are ON.If she doesn't, well that's Ok - and I move on.Another friend recommends I forget Vivan completely, stating she is not interested or may be thinking of the consequences to her friendship with Susan.He says that it is difficult to date the best friend of a woman you had some sort of relationship with.I am not sure I agree with this , because after all, Susan is the one who didn't want a relationship, not me not to mention the fact that nothing happened between us- we just dated a bit and that was it.Why should Susan begrudge me a chance with her friend, Vivian?I really look forward to any advice you can offer about how I should proceed,
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best friend, move on, text Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): You are 38. Do what you want to do.It's not unusual for a girl to ditch her best friend over a man.Good luck
A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (2 February 2009):
 I had a friend who this happened to many years ago same scenario as your in and both friends discussed it and just like you they were all friends nothing sexual happened not even kissing and when the one friend decided the man was not for her they finished, he asked her other friend they both discussed it between them and decided that they could not continue with this friendship with this man because if it had went further with the other friend it would have made her friend feel very awkward and she didn't want to do that you have to understand if they have been friends for many years they are almost like bonded, women tend to think more of our friends than men do and i just feel it sounds very much like that maybe you would have to ask Vivian that question?
Good Luck.
Gina
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A
male
reader, GD +, writes (2 February 2009):
GD is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I understand their friendship, but NOTHING happened between me and Susan. We just dated 5-6 times. And it was Susan who didn't want to continue.Why would me dating Vivian stress their friendship?
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (2 February 2009):
They are best friends and she has taken that into consideration even though you haven't! I don't think she will go out with you as she will not want to jeopardise her friendship with Susan.
The fact they are church people too will mean they have standards, morals, and values they will abide by and that probably means not going with men that were once with a friend!
Having said that i think they should have all giving you a reason for not turning up at your party not just Susan.
You may need to forget this one as it appears friendship comes before you sorry!
Gina
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