A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hey...I've been in a relationship for almost 4 years now...my BF and I live together, and I am on disability.He struggled with abusive parents and has walked out on me in the past, refusing to talk to me, and trashing me to his friends and family. We did reconcile, and I convinced him to move back with me so that he could get away from his emotionally abusive parents and we could be together...things were rocky, but I found him a good job and took the interviews for him so that he didn't have to take time away from his current job.I'm not a perfect person by any means, and I have been a bit spend thrift in the past, for which I take total responsibility. But recently I asked him to help me save for a trip to go visit a friend in Japan, I am feeling a bit of cabin fever, and I want a bit of independance.Recently the electricity got turned off because of a mixup with the checks, so we had to put the account into the negative to have them turn it back on...Somehow that ended up being my fault, and ever since I asked him for the trip all I hear is Money this...money that...I even asked him to help me move my computer desk into the second bedroom and he turned it into an argument about money!!I feel like he is abusing me emotionally by putting money ahead of my feelings, he works every single day, so I am constantly alone...I make friends and he gets angry because it costs money to call them...I'm totally ignored on the few times he is home anyway...but then he blames me because according to him I always want something...and now he is blaming the cost of the trip on me, saying that is why he is treating me this way...HELP! I am at my wits end with him...why is money more important to him than our relationship and my feelings????
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male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (8 August 2007):
Again then. You're a scapegoat. Some things are out of his control, he's looking for answers to why life is what it is for him or his past was what it was. It is easier for him to blame it on the only person that is there instead of admitting that it is out of his control or changing something he does. I think he needs therapy or you two need counseling.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay..in some ways I can see your point, but I do contribute to the finances...I pay half the rent, all of the food, the electric bill all winter (I get help from the GOV. for this)
and things for my animals..(I have cats and fish)
He used to give me money to spend on things, which I have stopped buying in order to pay for my trip instead...He makes more than enough money working regular hours and has chosen to work all these extra and is blaming it on my trip, which is not even what that money is going toward...
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (8 August 2007):
 After reading what you wrote, the way I see it is that your boyfriend is feeling the full weight of the financial responsibility. Men , in general, like to be the providers, they take great pride in it and work hard at it and like to be apreciated for it...and rightly so. You say you got into a little financial difficulty with the electricity because of a mix up, well this maybe made your partner worry, it shook his tree a little and perhaps made him feel a little insecure about his end of the deal, namely working and paying the bills.
You do not say if you work or contribute to the finances yourself, you do mention disability and this might limit your options for working. If this is so then you are dependant on him for money. This is ok as long as you bring something else to the relationship, i.e love respect and emotional support.
Of course he works every single day, because that is what is needed to provide for you and him. You say you spend a lot of time alone but make friends?, is this online? you also say you are planning a trip to see a friend in Japan? who will pay for this? you or your partner? If he is going to have to pay for the trip, then maybe he is feeling uncomfortable about it. Maybe he would feel better about working hard and paying a vacation for you both to go on together?
I understand if your feeling a little trapped and you want to get out and see people, you have a right to your independence, but are you doing it at your partners expense? Its a matter of priorities and keeping the bills paid takes priority over taking an expensive trip. Your partner is working hard to make ends meet and your planning trips to see friends, this is obviously making him angry and frustrated and causing arguments. Sorry to get tough but it seems your being a little selfish. If you want the trip, then save your own money to pay for it...or better still treat your partner to a nice holiday, I am sure he could use a break as well as you. Try to improve your relationship with him by being apreciative of eachother, planning a few goals together and restoring harmony to your relationship.
Good luck
Aunty Em x
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (8 August 2007):
It probably isn't all about money and you screwing with it. Part of that might be there on the surface, but we'll get to that in the end of my response. What's going on deeper...You said it yourself that he came from an emotionally abusive family. It is what he knows and what he is doing to you. I think he wants to believe he is better than that, so money is an excuse to justify his abusiveness.
It is really about not being able to stand the fact that some things are indeed out of his control so he needs a scapegoat to blame it on. You've become that scapegoat. He'd probably be able to justify it somehow in his own mind even if you were millionaires. And think about this country and our value system. We've all been conditioned to think money = happiness and money = everything really. It's another conditioning system he's fallen into.
That being said though, as much as you want some independence and go to Japan, that is costly and your financial priorities should probably go elsewhere if doubling up on an electric bill was enough to put your checking account into a negative balance.
For now, figure out another way to be independent. I'd start off by refusing to be the scapegoat, especially considering all the other support you've given him.
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