A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I need some help. I am at a point in my life where I can't stop hating men and it is poisoning me. Six years ago I was kidnapped and raped by a very sick individual. Since then I have honestly tried to not look for evil in men, I really did but I find it hard to ignore reality. For so very long I have not met a single man that hasn't shown me a nasty side to him. Every single time I decided to trust I got betrayed. Time and time again people show me that I am a sexual object. I kept hoping because I see good relationships out there so maybe decent people exist but it happens again and again. The only one I fell in love with after six years quickly brushed me to the side once we became intimate and the guy I viewed as my best friend also tried to sleep with me figuring that since I slept with the one guy I was fair game (he actually told me that). Last night was the final straw. A friend of the family, older married with three children and a fourth one on the way walked me home from his restaurant as it was late, he then cornered me on the way home and shoved his tongue in my mouth telling me how horny I make him and how he can't hide it any longer. He wasn't even phazed when I repeatedly asked him to stop. It took me literally breaking free to get rid of him. I got a bruise in my arm where he was holding me. Like I don't matter. He kept telling me not to worry about his wife and that this was a separate issue altogether. I did NOTHING to provoke that. Nothing at all. Seriously, what is wrong with people? You may say that good ones exist but behind closed doors even the happiest family people can and will be pigs. I do not provoke this kind of behavior, I do not dress provokatively, I do not sleep around (in fact I have been celibate for a year) so why is it happening all the time? without wanting to sound big headed, honestly, I am quite decent looking and it attracts attention but this is unacceptable.Any practical advise will be greatly appreciated. As I feel right now how on earth can I ever trust any of them again? I know it is unreasonable to believe that all men are bad but I can't shake this feeling. I really can't. Please help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for worrying anonymous. I understand alcohol is a sensitive issue for many people. I am a very moderate drinker and I am thankful this is not another thing I have to worry about. I have seen the questionaire before. It is a useful tool. Having said that, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Thanks again
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): Good comments before and nothing to add except this.
"I know alcohol is really not my problem here"
Alcohol is a problem, it is being used to suppress real feelings, and you wouldn't do that if it wasn't a problem. You would be surprised if you went to a few AA meetings why people drink and what it can do to them.
This is a questionnaire that Johns Hopkins developed. Take this quiz online and answer very truthfully.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone. This is the OP. Thank you for your answers. I really appreciate them. First of all I have to tell you guys that I am indeed seeing a therapist. It took me years to get to that point, thought I could do it on my own but I guess I was wrong.
Actually I told her about this incident today and she was livid too.
Cerberus, thank you so very much for taking the time to write such a deep and personal response to my post. I am really touched. You see I can relate with some of it actually. I did go through a promiscuous phase in the past. It didn't last long but I found it very traumatic. Right now I am the opposite of promiscuous. But I guess people will see what they want to see sometimes and I am overly sensitive to such advances. It really feels like someone is stabbing me every time I even suspect that someone sees me as an easy lay. I never really saw it this way (about taking the meaning out of the sexual act so that what happened wouldn't really matter) but I guess it does make sense. And as both you and mishmash pointed out, sex is a HUGE issue. So the answer to mismash is that no I haven't been able to enjoy sex ever since and as you said Cerberus about your ex girlfriend I too have been drunk each and every time I managed to have sex in the past six years. Now, I have done quite a bit of soulsearching and I know alcohol is really not my problem here.I hardly ever drink at all unless a sexual act is in the cards. I was aware of that before, of course but now I can see some things from the perspective of a male partner. If it helps Cerberus, I know this is how you felt, but if she felt comfortable enough to be with you you were her choice and perhaps she couldn't allow herself to give you what you deserved but you were still her choice and that made it special. I am speaking from experience here. The only guy I fell in love with after six years. Sex was problematic (on my part) but he was special in every sense of the word. So I have to comment you for trying to help her and I am appalled that so many other women have suffered the same trauma. It is not until you join the club that you begin to understand just how many people are affected. The problem with me is that I am not comfortable with the sexual attention I am getting. I don't know how to handle it and I do not know how to trust. I mean please don't blame me. I had enough examples to scare me off for life. I just hope that one day I will be able to get over it and be a normal person again. Some days it looks like everything is fine and I am happy and other days I feel so far away from what everyone else seems to be able to enjoy.
Once again thank you all three for taking the time to write.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): You need to go seek long term professional help OP. You sound like one of my exes who had the same thing happen her at gun point when she was a teenager.
I don't know you but perhaps like her you've become a "victim". Now I know technically you both are victims of a terrible crime but she defined herself and her life in those terms, never really moved past that or overcame it and let it become her. She became a victim and lost her strength to that, lost any sense of self control and only ever attracted the dogs because that's the kind of guy she could relate to. Nice, balanced guys were just not her thing, she bored of them easily or just didn't give them the chance because she just didn't feel "it" with that type of guy. She liked pushy, aggressive guys and she honestly couldn't see that a lot of them seemed nice too but they always turned out the same way. But after dating her for a while I could see how it worked for her. She really thought the world was against her and she just couldn't catch a break with guys but she was magnetically drawn to the crazies. She only ever felt sexual when she was drunk and when she was she was aggressive and hypersexual. But when sober if you touched her she'd flinch and be horrified.
The biggest issue I found with her though was that she had completely devalued sex, completely, it just would never feel special for her, her coping mechanism as to what happened her was to take the meaning out of the act permanently, that way she convinced herself that what happened her then meant nothing. How could she have been violated if sex meant nothing? was how her mind rationalized things. But the problem with that logic is she then made the last time she felt anything "special" from sex was the time she was grabbed by a group of guys and dragged into a car. "Special" in the most brutal horrible way imaginable.
The result of her seeing sex this way was that no matter what I did sex never felt special, I never felt loved during sex with her. I know she loved me but sex was only after a few drinks and she was either really aggressive and over the top or she just didn't feel anything. She basically made herself a sex object in that sense and through the combination of that and the guys she chose to date she only ever got treated that way by them. Because it was very restricted, only when she was drunk and even then she'd very often not feel anything and knowing she was just lying there letting me have sex and not really enjoying it killed me because the taught that I was just re-enacting her rape in those circumstances, the thought that this is what it must have been like was too much for me to bear.
How was I any different to those guys in those times? I tried to see the person she was, I tried to be good to her but when a person isn't good to themselves, when a person only views themselves as a sex object and not a person worthy of real love, when a person has let themselves become a "victim" then how can anyone else view them any different? When sex has been devalued as part of a mental defense mechanism then how can you see them as anything other than an object? Trust me I hate saying it, just as much as I really struggled with those thoughts at the time. But she was a "rape victim" that's who she has let herself become, attempted suicide, self harm, eating disorders, alcoholism and promiscuity were all the result of the person she had let herself become. I say let herself because unfortunately she's not the only girl I know who this has happened to. 6 out of the 10 girls I consider close friends have been raped. Of the 6 of them though only 2 of them (including her) haven't yet overcome their experience enough to move on with their lives, love and be happy. In fact it was only through talking with one of them about her experience that helped me get over the trauma of my ex telling me what happened to her and being the way she was.
Therapy is what helped those other girls, long term therapy. Coming to conclusion that what happened them was what it was but it's gone and done, but it doesn't define them as people, they're not victims, they're strong women and the one who told me said the most important part of her recovery was learning not to let what happened or the other assholes she would inevitably meet afterwards (as the usual part of dating) taint her perception of sex or men, that she was determined to be fully intimate and find a way of being able to "make love", to be open to love and able give herself completely to a guy.
You may see similarities there OP and may see none with your situation but one thing which effected them all was that guys treated them a certain way afterwards, they'd meet certain guys or they'd find it so hard to open up sexually that they were just treated as objects. It really was only a mental barrier on their part one which most of them did overcome but the two who didn't are the ones that both didn't get therapy and continued to just thing they were unlucky or that most guys are evil. The simple fact was it's down to them, no one else. We see successful loving relationships all over the place, so they do exist. If you happen to be having a hard time of it then it's you, you need to focus on.
There is a reason why these guys think it's okay to try it on with you like that OP. Try and figure out what that is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): Can you recall how you felt about sex before yon were raped? Honestly, I don't your trouble is so much about men, but your feelings about sex. After your trauma, I wouldn't be surprised at all if your attitudes towards sex and male sexuality have changed.
I've met a man whose past relationship was with a woman who'de been abuse/raped. He never felt she really enjoyed sex and he felt she only did it "for him" not because she actually enjoyed it. It eventually undermined his confidence in the relationship, because in fact he didn't want a sexual favors from her, he wanted a partner in the experience.
It might be hard coming from your experience and relearning to enjoy sex as a pleasurable and intimate thing too. And I agree with the former aunt, you need counseling to get over this.
Decent men DO exist. And decent men will feel sexual attraction toward you and try sometimes to make a pass. Having a sex drive and taking a calculated risk (while respecting your limits) doesn't make them deranged or evil people.
Obviously, your family friend is in fact a pig... It seemed like he took you for a slut even though you didn't provoke it. Why? Perhaps he's run across a slutty woman or a woman who encouraged him to cheat and he's now taken it into his head that all women besides his wife are sluts and cheaters. He's insensitive to these women beyond his own impressions and obsessions...
Don't let your past influence your mindset in the same way. Please get help and good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (30 May 2011):
 First of all I'm sorry what happened to you.
Second of all have you gotten any therapy ? That is a LOT to go through. You may unknowingly send out signals that attract "those" kind of men, you may also be drawn to the "no-good" type because of what happened to you.
Not all men are bad.
Why the guy last night over stepped his (and yours) boundaries is hard to say, honestly I would most likely find me a friend and go confront him. Though it may not be the best of reaction. I would proberlby resort to something bad.
I think you should look for a female rape counselor and start getting some help. There are thing you need to sort out before you can move on and it's not easy to do alone.
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