A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for over 20 years. It was important to him that I get along with his friends when we first met. I managed, including one female whom was friendly, but pushy and boisterous... she was not married at the time I met my hubby but eventually she was. We all remained friends, traveled, raised out kids together, etc... but all the while a sneeking feeling got worse. He seemed to have an emotional affinity to her, and woudl prefer her opinion over mine, and she would trump my opinion if she could manage it. She told me over time nasty things about my hubby, how he cheated on me while we were living together, etc etc...but never said WHO. Also said a bunch of other stuff I won't go into. I eventually found out (to make this story shorter) it was she slept with my husband before we were married. He said it was a one time drunken thing he hardly remembered and didn't mean anything and it was before we met. I told him about what she said re the cheating, but he said that was not true, and besides we weren't exactly married. I was still upset... I finally talked to her about it cause I was mad she slept wtih my hubby and hubby never told me, and come to find out it was SHE who cheated with him while we were living together. and she said that they were living together 'as friends' when he met me and that they were 'friends with benefits'. So he lied by omission, then lied to cover it up, and lied and lied again. Then now blames me for me being so shattered and hurt. Says he is sorry I have hurt feelings, not that he was responsible in any way. He is also disgusted wtih me for not wanting to be friends with these people anymore. His world is also destroyed and it is my fault. If I had known this to begin with I would never have married him but he kept this dirtly little secret all these years. Now I am in a midlife crisis and not knowing what to do, but my stomach turns everyday thinking about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): Thanks for your quick replies. I have sought a counselor. I hope hubby agrees to go at least one time by himself. (I have come to the conclusion he needs it more than me as he felt the need to keep both women in his life!) I worry of course about the kids, the family, and the financial stake in all of this. I agree the two of them deserve each other.... she is married, her hubby says forgiveness is in order. However forgiveness does not mean forgetting or subjecting oneself to the pain again. If my hubby had only apologized for his humoungous oversight, and refuse to see them again, I could move on. However, he is still pouting around like a little boy. In all reality, he has shot the trust issue straight through the heart, killed it. Thanks for all your replies. I appreciate any more support you can offer me. I need all I can get.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): I'm sorry you had to go through this.
"The past is the past" except when it rudely rewrites everything that you thought you knew about your partner.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 you sound like you are in so much pain - pain which has been caused by your husband and this 'friend'. Short and sweet, file for divorce and move on with your life, the two of them deserve each other.This 'friend' has never ever had your best interests at heart, only set out to systematically destroy you and your marriage.Even though it will be painful to divorce, I believe the pain would be a lot less than what you have been experiencing over the last 20 years.Find yourself a counsellor so that you have someone to chat to, who will help you and guide you through this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): my attitude while reading this post was genuine disgust. OF COURSE you're upset! and OF COURSE you're hurting! who the heck wouldn't??! you just found out you've been living a lie for years and years! and when you confront your husband about it, rather than getting the genuine apology you deserve, and effort to win you back, he's blaming you!! that's manipulative, childish and despicable! sounds to me like he cares more about maintaining whatever weird relationship he has with this woman over maintaining your marriage. at this point, he should be willing to cut this woman loose and end their friendship in order to save your relationship. and since he's not, and is still so adamant about you all still remaining friends, that says a lot to me. and i would NEVER put up with it. pardon my language, but he should be kissing your ass right now, in all honesty. i know if the person i were with cheated on me and lied for years and covered it up, and i found out, yet he still insisted i get over it and us all be friends, i'd tell him a place where he could stick it! i know it's not this easy when it's someone you're married to. but if i were you, i would assert myself and let him know either something's gonna change NOW, or you're out. and if he still persists on this weird friendship, i'd be done. let the two be miserable together.
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