A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my husband of 12 years have an affair. i confronted him and he admitted. he have a child there. this is the worst thing. he asked for forgiveness from me. i love his so deeply and i want him back and lead a happy family life with our only son who is 11 years old without any traces of the slut. he promised he will get rid of the slut. he asked me for some time to sort things. how can i trust him. whenever he goes out my mind goes wondering. how long am i going to be living like this. as a matter of fact i just found about the affair about 2 weeks ago. these 2 weeks is like 20 years of sufferings.i really need to get rid of this agony restless feelings.
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): what he did is despicable. He went behind your back and had unprotected sex with another woman. If he was so unhappy with you and your marriage, he could have divorced you then he'll be free to sleep with whoever he wants. But no. He stayed married to you, wanting to keep the benefits of the marriage, lied to you, had unprotected sex with another woman, fathered a child, still didn't tell you until he was confronted and had no choice but to own up. what a coward.
he has wrecked 3 lives - yours, the other woman's and the child he made with her.
there is no "right" thing that he can do, it's too late for him to restore his honor. he's in a double bind. Doing right by his new child means he has to keep hurting you by rubbing it in your face that he made a child with someone else, while still married to you.
Yet to stop hurting you in this way, if that's even possible, is to be condemned as a irresponsible father.
you also will never know if he will continue to be seeing this other woman and having more unprotected sex with her in the future. He's already done it once. And he can't cut her out of his life either because he has to continue contact with her because they have a child together. So he could very well continue to be cheating on you. why stay married to him?
Marriage therapists who help couples heal from affairs always say that the cheating spouse must cut off contact with the affair partner if there is to be any chance to rebuild the marriage. But if he has a child with her, how can he cut off contact with her? he can't. Everyone will shame him for being an irresponsible father. Yes people will actually say he must continue contact with his mistress because they have a child together. This is therefore counterproductive to rebuilding the marriage.
If you and him really wanted to save your marriage, he should sign away his parental rights to his child so he can cut his other woman out of his life completely, because that is what it takes to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. If people would condemn him for signing away his parental rights, I dont' think that's fair, I think it's wrong to expect the wife - i.e. YOU - to have to make his child from his betrayal a part of YOUR life. when you are married, you have to make sacrifices. He is the one who betrayed you. Therefore he should be making the sacrifice to restore the marriage, even if it means signing away parental rights. it shouldn't be you having to make the sacrifice to accommodate his betrayal.
If he won't sign away his parental rights, and still wants to continue contact with the other woman, you can't make him. So then I believe you should divorce him. by staying with him, you are teaching your own kids that it's acceptable for a husband to have an affair because the wife will still stay with him.
don't do this to yourself, he and the other woman made a fool of you, don't accept this. You betray someone, you should pay the consequences of having them abandon you. Protect your dignity and leave him.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (20 February 2011):
I suggest you leave him. If your husband had an affair, that means there was already huge problems in the marriage which are pre-existing and still there.
but now on top of that there's the actual affair and that betrayal. Your husband didn't tell you of his own accord, you found out and confronted him and then he admitted. If you hadn't found out, was he ever going to tell you he had fathered a child by someone else?? this just makes the betrayal of an affair that much worse.
And on top of that, there's a child involved. It's worse when there's a child in the picture because the child will always tie your husband to his mistress in some way, thus making any healing efforts for you more difficult, and the child will always be in his life and always be his responsibility and thus will always be part of your life too.
Some people will tell you to be the bigger person and not hold it against the child. Of course that's ideal. That's a fine and noble concept but we are only human. REALISTICALLY, not everyone can do this no matter how hard they try. And if you guilt yourself over being unable to accept the child, or if other people guilt you over that, that's just putting even more damage on yourself. You could be setting yourself up for a lifetime of suffering compounded on top of the affair itself. why subject yourself to that?
this may sound defeatist, but I think to be realistic, it's just so difficult for a marriage to recover from an affair especially when there's a child born from it, that it might be best to end the marriage now so you can start the process of healing and moving on and not be creating more problems for yourself to have to deal with (namely, forcing yourself to accept your husband's child by his mistress).
If you decide to try and rebuild your marriage, I think you absolutely should see a marriage counselor for help.
...............................
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 The way I see things what's done is done and realistically thinking about the future will give you some comfort. You say it's only been two weeks and I can't imagine what you must be going through. It has to be a miserable time in your life but this too shall pass.
If you believe your husband is an honorable man I would consider he'll be providing financial and emotional support for this other child for at least the next 18 years. This child is innocent and from what you've said about the mother, this child will need all the love and support available to him or her. Who knows, perhaps one day adopting this child may be a serious consideration for you and your husband.
As hard as it is to do, don't let your mind wander. If he is sincere he will do whatever it is you ask of him to restore your trust in him.
...............................
A
male
reader, popeye_loves-cuspi  +, writes (19 February 2011):
The trust right now is at zero, if you look into the mirror,
and ask yourself.. 'will i ever trust him again' and you get a hint of a yes, then you have a chance, right now you feel so raw, and so hurt, as anyone would be, but you both have to talk, no matter how painfull it will be, there are things you both need to say, and the need to get to the root cause is vital, so something like this never happens again!
I'm sorry you are going through this, i truly am.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): Are you joking? you're calling the mother of your husband's child a slut, what advice do you want? You're asking your husband to get rid of this woman an what? abandon his responsibilities to this child. Your husband messed up, granted, you guys can patch this up thats up to you, you may hate this woman but act like a grown up assuming you are 41-50, you should know better, there is a child involved, through no fault of it's own. Save your marriage but stop being immature and repeated calling the woman a slut, she's your husband's child mother. Grow up. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for 2 posted messages. i hope to receive more advices.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 I know you're hurting,but I dont think calling the other woman a slut is the right thing. Your husband was equally at fault...more so because he knew he was cheating on his wife and son.
You need to take some time and think about your relationship. Can you get yourself to trust him? Thats entirely upto you. You cant live in constant fear and agony...its entirely on you to decide how you handle it. Either you put it all behind you and try to forget about it all. Or you be by yourself for a while and then re-evaluate the situation.
...............................
A
male
reader, popeye_loves-cuspi +, writes (19 February 2011):
Do you want him back and to be faithful for the sake of your child, or to be a real married couple? If you want him back for the sake of your child, there will always be resentment there, and it will always be putting on a brave face while underneath you are screaming out loud and going nuts..
If you want him to be faithful and to rebuild your relationship, you both need to sit down and discuss everything, bare in mind that some of it will be very painful for you to hear, but it needs to be said non-the-less. The reason he decided to go off and have an affair, you will find a reason for it, and that needs to be addressed.
The child resulting from this affair didn't ask to be born into it, the child needs a father just like your son, and he has a duty to be a part of the child's like in the same way he does your son, and to pay child support aswell. You may well hate this child, and most would in your position, but you also have to remember, it is not the fault of the kid is it!
I hope that you can rebuild your relationship, and i wish you the very best of luck, communicate, understand and make your feelings known, but you MUST do it in a calm way, a screaming match will solve nothing, and only cause more problems.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe only update is he said he is sorry and he want only me. he will and make sure he leave the slut. but when i asked him what exactly he wants to do he just told me it is better for me not to know. do you think it's good answer. i already made it point blank that he must leave the slut if ever he wants me as before. sometimes i feel convinced but most of the time not. i keeps wondering what he will do next. how will he leave that slut with his child.he is running his own business. so his free time is so unpredictable. unlike those who work 9 to 5 job where we can catch them in the office phone. i called his best friend and he also promised and given assurance to his bestfriend that he will leave that slut for good and regrets the affair. do you think he really means it.
...............................
|
