A
female
age
41-50,
*odi19
writes:Ok, I have been with my husband for 10 years. We separated once before and then reconciled. Now we are separated again just when things seemed to be getting good again. His dad passed away in February and he has wanted nothing to do with me since. He is extremely hostile toward me whenever we do have contact. Not violent but cruel and nasty. He swears that there is nobody else but also says that he is planning on divorcing me. I am so hurt. I really love him but it doesn't seem that we can make things work. He has as little contact with me as possible. We have an 8 year old son. Someone please help!Thanks
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female
reader, jodi19 +, writes (3 October 2010):
jodi19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Anonymous,
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate you taking the time to write to me. It helps to know that there are more women out there going through what I am going through. Currently, the situation is that he has been going out of his way to spent time with me and my son but still seems to want to live separately. I have not been able to find evidence of an affair although I look for it all the time ie, check his phone records and emails. Still nothing. I do not know what is going to happen between us but I am in a much better place now due to the fact that I've been in therapy for a few months. It's a roller coaster every day but I am trying to find the strength to leave him once and for all. Again, thank you so much for checking in. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): I have read your testamonial about your husband leaving you after 10 years. I felt so compelled to respond to you, that I signed up to this site.
Your situation sounds so much like mine, that it is uncanny. However, I left my husband after he assaulted me and was charged. He too was an alcoholic and emotionally abused me for years. He threatened to divorce me twice, saying I "nagged" too much. He wouldn't talk to me, sleep with me and he quite often snapped at me for no reason. I had to think long and hard about approaching him about the way he was treating me. I would ask "what's wrong, why are you being so cold to me?" He would quickly become angry, turn everything around to be my fault and ultimately leave for the night. I stopped asking him about his coldness to me and tried to tolerate his coldness to me because I didn't want him to leave.
It turns out, that my husband was having an affair....for 3 years!!! I had recognised something was wrong for a long time and suspected an affair, but, love is blind and I didn't want to admit that this may be the case nor did I confront him about it. Now that I have been separated from him for 4 years, I see that all the warning signs were there, right in front of my face!! When the affair began, I believe his guilt ate at him and he began to turn cold to me and wouldn't have sex with me. But, after a while of continuing with this affair, I believe he did everything his power to make my life miserable because, he wanted her. He sought to divorce me twice (as he told me) and offered me money to "get the f_ _k out his life".
I too suggested we seek councilling together and he told me, "I don't need councilling, you are the one with the problems, go by yourself."
The affair was very dirty in nature....right down to having sex with her in my house while I was away and sex in my car with her.
He's an alcoholic, he will never admit to his mistakes. He believes his affair was justifiable because I "nagged". Well, yes, I was suspicious of his behaviours and would question his whereabouts when he came home late or stayed out all night, I believe I had the right to ask him what he was up to since we were married and I was his wife! If it had have been me out all night, I think he woulda had some questions for me too...?
He told me that he "lost respect" for me in our marriage. Huh? I never cheated on him, I bent over backwards to make him happy. It seems the more I went out of my way, the angrier he became with me. When I reflect on that statement he said to me, it wasn't me he lost respect for, it was himself. Quite often, an alcoholic will speak of their own inventory.
I don't want to give you advice, the decision is yours to make about making your marriage work but, I wanted to post to you because I see all the warning signs written on your page of an unfaithful husband. A cheating man wants their cake and wants to eat it too (hense his always coming back to you begging you to take him back, only to leave again).
Be safe, take care of yourself first, once you focus on you and your needs, the answer will fall into place.
I wish you all the best. Remember, an abusive, alcoholic relationship is not only toxic to you, but also to your son. There is no hope unless he sobers up.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (4 June 2010):
 Sorry to hear he's not making things any easier. As you have already noticed, guys like that tend to sense your hurt and feed off of that. When they start to sense you getting over him or even moving on with your life, than that's when they do their turn around and start begging to have you back.
Stay strong and don't let him manipulate him. We are all here for you if you need to talk so don't hesitate to let us know what happens from here. You don't have to feel like you are alone in all of this.
Hang in there.
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A
female
reader, jodi19 +, writes (4 June 2010):
jodi19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Timm for your encouraging words. You really made me feel better. My husband does have a history of telling me its over and then chasing after me when I begin to get on with my life. I think this time, if he really wants me back I am going to make him work for it. I really do hope he reconsiders because I truely love him. He really hurt me today. We argued about him not coming to pick up our son when he was supposed to and he said that he couldn't wait to be divorced and rid of me. It breaks my heart when he says things like this. He seems to go out of his way to hurt me. I need to work on keeping my distance but it is a struggle. For now I am just going to persist in trying to stay strong.
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A
female
reader, jodi19 +, writes (4 June 2010):
jodi19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Timm for your encouraging words. You really made me feel better. My husband does have a history of telling me its over and then chasing after me when I begin to get on with my life. I think this time, if he really wants me back I am going to make him work for it. I really do hope he reconsiders because I truely love him. He really hurt me today. We argued about him not coming to pick up our son when he was supposed to and he said that he couldn't wait to be divorced and rid of me. It breaks my heart when he says things like this. He seems to go out of his way to hurt me. I need to work on keeping my distance but it is a struggle. For now I am just going to persist in trying to stay strong.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (3 June 2010):
It's not crazy. You've done nothing wrong. It's not like you cheated on him or anything. You're feelings have never changed, it's only been him. More than once. And because you love him, those feelings are always going to be there.
All you can do is try to focus on your life and your son. I don't think you need to "get over" your husband at this point. Yes, things look bad right now, but I think the main thing to do is just take it one day at a time. The fact that you are in therapy is good. Continue that and take it seriously because having somebody to talk to is very healthy and will help.
The thing you must prepare yourself for is the crossroad that is ahead. It will come to a point where your husband will show you his true feelings. He'll either come back to you and want you back, wish shows he still has some kind of feelings for you. However, he may not come back. This will show you that he doesn't love you. Knowing that and preparing that ahead of time will help you for when that time comes. And as I said earlier, if he does come back that is your chance to make some changes. Going back to how things were isn't exactly in your best interest. Helping him sober up and be a better person is. He'll have to understand that he's going to have to be that better person to be with you. If he gets mad and doesn't want to, than that shows you how much he really cares about you. If he's willing to do it, than again... that's how much he cares.
Easy times aren't ahead of you, but there is a definite chance at least for a good outcome. I think you should try keeping a realistic outlook on what can happen and prepare yourself, all while keeping hope that things will work out. Don't be blinded by your love for him because you have been treated without the love and respect you deserve.
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A
female
reader, jodi19 +, writes (3 June 2010):
jodi19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Timm, I know you're right. I should just stay away from him but (and I know this is crazy) I miss him so much. We have had a lot of good times as well and those memories just haunt me. Also, I am still very attracted to him even after 10 years. I am currently in therapy and I am trying to put the focus on me and my son but it is so hard to stop thinking about him. I cry every night and sometimes even wake up crying in the morning!
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (3 June 2010):
Sorry, got a little mixed up thinking you were still back together again with my last post but realized again that you were separated. Staying separated is best. Let him miss you and what he doesn't have anymore and than use that as leverage if he eventually comes around and wants you back.
But in the end, he's going to have to WANT to get better. Otherwise, there's no forcing him.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (3 June 2010):
Ok, now things get a lot more clear. This really isn't a situation you should be in. You don't deserve this. From what I see, you are putting everything into your relationship and he is putting in nothing. What you are seeing, what you are describing... that is him. Not a phase, or a rough patch. You shouldn't have to force somebody to show you love and respect.
I think you should really consider getting away from him. When it comes to alcohol and violence, that is not a good environment for you or your child. It's not uncommon for you to hurt this way because obviously you love him. The problem is, he doesn't treat you the same way. And sometimes the only way for him to realize that is for you to no longer be there. Let him miss what he doesn't have anymore. It worked last time. If you leave him, there is a good chance he may want you back, and at that point you will have more leverage. You could tell him the only way you'd get back together is if he sobers up and gets help.
But as it's stands, such a destructive relationship has to be taking a huge toll on you and your home life. Nobody deserves that.
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A
female
reader, jodi19 +, writes (2 June 2010):
jodi19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, thanks for the replies.
We separated before because he claimed that he didn't love me anymore. I left and moved 1000 miles away to my home town but we kept in contact and he would visit. Eventually he came around and said that he did love me, miss me, and that he was sorry. I came back and things were good for about a year and then we had all the same issues resurface. Basically, he is an alcoholic and extremely selfish. He says that I don't trust him but it is difficult for me to trust him due to his behavior. He will not consider therapy at all and will not stop drinking. He blames me for all his problems and has so much anger toward me that is really displaced, in my opinion. I don't know why I still love him so much. I am hurting so bad. I try to be strong for my son but some days its so hard.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (2 June 2010):
Well, it doesn't sound like it's anything you did wrong. He could be just so effected by his dad's death that he needs to place the blame and hurt elsewhere. Unfortunately that may be you. And unfortunately, since it's not your fault I don't think there is really anything you can do at this point. It sounds like he could use some counseling, but again... that's nothing you can do.
Really, the only thing you can do is be patient. Eventually the hurt may go away and he'll come around. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee. What was the reason for your previous separation? I'm not trying to get overly personal here, but if it was his fault doing something similar to this... than he may just be prone to such behavior.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 Let him go, he needs to work this out for himself. If you "hound" him its going to make the situation worst. Just send him an sms that you are going to take a positive view in life and learn to live without him for your son. Do not contact him and just do that focus on your life and your son. You cannot force or make a person come back to you they have to figure that out for themself.
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