A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:recently my husband's credit care statement had three different charges for well known bars in the city. not restaurants, but just bars. And not cheap either. each was a week night. We never go out during the week. We both work in different parts of the city, but often his work means he has to work back. Usually I never see this statement, but he threw some things on the bed to have a shower and I thought it a good chance to change the bed, so I had to shift the things, his keys, and wallet and this statement. I have never thought we had any problem. He has always liked to dress well and smell good. So I have not noticed him acting different. But never has he mentioned visiting these barsWhen he came out the bathroom I was just finishing making the bed and I looked over at the credit card statement and asked, 'what are these'. He picked it up all nonchalant. So I said 'the bills for the three bars' and he went into melt down. He got very indignant and said that the credit card company had made a mistake and he would sort it out.Now he says he has cancelled that card and that he was not happy with the service. because they messed up his bill. I know he has that particular card but I never normally see the bill as he likes to pay the bills on line at work.I asked him if he would like to visit those bars with me one day but he said he would never go to places like that. 'Like that?' I asked him what that meant and he just rolled his eyes. Things seem a bit cool at the moment. Is he playing me or an I just too suspicious? Or is he just angry with me for appearing to be too curious when it was just a mistake in his opinion by the credit card company?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 May 2011):
 I'm glad you are going to counseling
I'm in total agreement with you that it's not the ACTIONS that are the problems it's the LIES and that begats lack of TRUST and trust is critical
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 May 2011):
 Good on you for choosing to see a counsellor, it will help clarify your feelings, whether he attends or not. Trust once lost is a big issue. It takes far more work to rebuild trust . Whatever you decide make sure you are completely comfortable with the solution and the outcome.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so very much. everyone. He's still denying it of course. He has been going to all sorts of efforts to be extra nice to me. But it feels all wrong. This is not like him to be helpful like this. I have been stewing over this for a week. We have a stalemate. He says I am over reacting to what was a mistake. Now I can't get him to come clean. He says he forgot that he lent his card to his brother, but I think that is not true. I know his brother would back him up no matter what happened. It feels so horrible. Maverick494 I called his excuse bullshit and it really shocked him. LoveGirl I walked past one of the the bar in the day time and it just looked very dark. But plush and expensive with lots of big squashy ottomans and long plush sitting areas. It looks more like a living room than a bar even though it is a bar as it said that on the outside. I suppose I would have to visit it in the night if i really wanted to know. But that is not the issue. It is him lying to me that really gets to me. Because it really feels like he lied to me.And So_Very_Confused I am totally in agreement with you, thank you for your support.I never thought we would ever have a problem I have booked an appointment with a counsellor to help me work out where to go. All your support meant a lot to me. Thank you very much. He will not come to the counsellor with me because he says he does not need a shrink and that I will be wasting my time when all I need to do, he says, is get over my over reaction. To the anonymous female my guy can do and go to anything. I would never be that type of wife. It is lying to me that hurts. And his unusual (for him) reaction. And then his lame 'forgot I lent it to my brother' excuse. It's not like him to act this way. So it has really felt like a betrayal of my long held trust in him. And he knows how I feel now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): Tell him to show you ALL the bills for that card. If he has nothing to hide, he will gladly show you.
I'm wondering why he pays that particular card at work... or does he pay all the bills at work??
I don't trust him.
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A
female
reader, Smileypants +, writes (20 May 2011):
 Call the bars in question and say that you think there may have been a false charge at their place. Ask to see the slip that was signed. A lot of places keep the signed slips in their daily work in case someone tries to dispute the charge and want a refund to their card.
If you get to see the slips with his signature, you've confirmed the lie. Confront him with that.
Im sorry, but the fact he got so defensive so quick probably means that he was there with someone that he's not supposed to be.
If it really was just an innocent beer in a bar, why lie??
Good luck hun....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): I previously did legal work for a credit card Co. They almost never make mistakes (unless fraud and the like).Your hb is lieingYour hb has some secrets that he keeps hiddenAre these'just bars' or does he have access to the women as well (meaning prostitutes)Does he puck up women here (meaning patrons, you know the ones who frequent these place with the intention of getting laid?)When something like this happens , it reveals a bigger problem than meets the eye.Perhaps u need to be more observant and seeing that you bith work in different parts of city, red flags.Time to stiop minding your business and time to start minding your hbs! LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 May 2011):
the credit card company did not make a mistakeyour husband did. He's lying to you and you know it or you would not have posted... His defensive behavior when confronted says a lot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): can I ask, why is it a big deal for you that your guy goes to bars? is he 'not allowed to' do that? if so, why not?
maybe thats why he feels the need to lie, as you dont allow him to or would disapprove?
going to bars does not indicate cheating does it?
I would like to suggest you discussing this with him. maybe say 'ok, so youve been going to bars. can i ask why you felt that you needed to lie about that?'
Interrogation will always make people feel the need to be defensive.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): Sorry Hon, HUGE red flags here - your husband is not being honest with you.
His reactions show guilt, I suspect that he is cheating on you.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 May 2011):
Credit card companies don't make mistakes. Not like that anyway. He went to those bars and he is trying to cover up for it with a flimsy lie. It goes to show how much you trust him that you didn't call bullshit the moment he said it. He's hiding something. Trust your gut on this and when he gets defensive, trying to make you come across as the untrustworthy one, you know you're right.
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