A
female
age
41-50,
*aba0608
writes:My husband had an affair and I recently found out. I still love him and am willing to work it out. He says he still loves me but can't get over her. I told him if he wants our relationship to work, he needs to get over her, but he can't. At this point, he's struggling with guilt and shame and because of that, he has doubts that our marriage could survive this. He knows that if the shoes were switched, he would never take me back so he's confused as to why I would. I ask myself the same question, but it comes down to the fact that I just love him. We have two kids but it's not because of them that I want it to work. It's just because I still love him. I sound pathetic to my own ears. I know. But because he can't get over her, he's an empty vessel at home. Should I do him, and me, a favor by letting him go? Make the decision for him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): I'm mostly with Cerebrus on this one. You are forgiving the affair, and some affairs are forgivable...when they are about a one-time screw up and are sexual in nature only. But he has feelings of love...or at least he thinks so. A man obsessed with feelings like this for two women will never bring commitment to either relationship. Both are doomed in a way. THat isn't to say one can't work, but the existing one...yours...will NEVER be the same.
Counseling is a must (if he even agrees)...because one thing a marriage counselor will do right up front is INSIST he chooses one path. Counselors (a good one anyway) will not counsel a couple when thre is a third party involved. He will be forced to choose, and you will know what to do.
A
female
reader, PamaM +, writes (1 October 2010):
If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours if it doesn't it never was.
You can't make someone love you. I would let him go.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): You are not pathetic.
Many of us have been in your shoes, and we weren't pathetic either even if we often thought we looked that way to outsiders. It is just painful but keep the following in mind.
Love is never pathetic if it is truly love and not fear, submission, or some other pathology.
Those who love are never pathetic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): Marriage counseling is a must right now also make sure to plan family activities so he will interact with the kids the more time you guys spend as a family the better if he truly loves this other woman then he would have left you all for her so looks like he just wants you to make his choice just stay strong & stick to your guns. He really does love you or he wouldn't be home....guilt, shame whatever no it's his heart & mind telling him he's a pos & time to step up to the plate, take that big boy pill & make good on his commitments don't worry he will stay & this will help you guys grow closer. When he sees the hurt he caused by his actions then he will stop talking about his so called love for the other & you will see a difference in time. Marriages have ups & downs just give it some time to heal. Make sure you & the kids tell him daily that you love him, & you just be there as a friend to listen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): He doesn't even know if he truly loves this woman as having an affair has no comparison when it comes to excitement and feeling good about oneself. You need to talk to him as a friend and get him to understand that he could risk losing the best thing ever with his family by pursuing a feeling that has no guarantees, and will, with 100% certainty, not be this exciting over time or not at all. He should pursue counseling and delve into the ideas of infatuation and excitement of affairs.Ultimately, it is his choice and he needs to take his time, give the woman up completely for over a year, and then decide if you are not the one for him. Chances are he will not leave you and you can look at this situation as a bump in the road in your long and happy marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): In my opinion this marriage is over. I'm sorry to say it but if he has to try and get over another woman while married to you it means he loves her and not you.
Normally when people have affairs, it's purely a sexual thing they don't have to get over the person. You have to realize that while he was married to you he didn't just have an affair he fell in love with another woman. That means you're not the one. Sorry to say that but it's true. If you were the one he wouldn't have fallen in love with another woman, this was not just a simple sexual affair, it was love and he still loves her more than he loves you.
How can he reconcile that with himself? You might love him more than anything and be willing to move on and try and make it work. But he just discovered that while he might love you he's seen that you're not actually the one for him. He's right that your marriage won't survive because of that, not unless you want to stay married to a guy who's not actually in love with you who will just grow ever more unhappy being in a relationship with a woman he has discovered not to be the love of his life.
I don't see any point in an ultimatum as BimBim suggested, you can't just switch off love like a button, he can't choose to love you more than her, just like you can't choose to stop your love for him it doesn't work like that.
You're not pathetic you're in love, there's nothing pathetic about wanting to hold on to the man you love and trying to fix this. But it's not fixable.
You have to understand that he's now in the position of having feelings he can't really do anything about that mean the end of his family. He probably wishes it could work but knows in his heart that it can't. You know this, you know that if you fall more in love with someone than the person you are with then it's not meant to be and staying in that kind of marriage/relationship isn't going to bring true happiness in the long run.
I think you know what you have to do, you have to do what's best for all 4 of you, do you really think holding together a marriage to a man that doesn't love you enough not to fall in love with someone else is the best way forward?
I wish you luck Baba0608 you have a tough road ahead of you. Just don't let your love for him cloud your judgement, your love alone is not enough for him.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (25 September 2010):
 Well no one can blame either of you for feeling the way you do. He can only be blamed for acting on those feelings he had and now, he has only emphasized those feelings he had for her.
The most you can do is spend time with each other and if he was truthful when he told you that he still loves you, it should be easy and he should enjoy it. He should be trying to make you fall in love with him again and again but that is only if he truly loves you. As for getting over her, only time will tell and hopefully, time will also be the factor that steals all remnants of thought for her away.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Valek  +, writes (25 September 2010):
 Anyone who has an affair has already partially opted out of their marriage but there is a great deal of soul searching to go through to make it work and how long it takes can often be seen as time wasted afterwards. To be able to bear the burden of his pain is entirely up to you, but in order to get through it, you should both be able to listen. If he cant hide his pain, its a good thing as he is looking for healing and you are, I am afraid, the number one candidate to help him. If you cannot do this, save yourself the agony and make your escape plan and build a better future. Whichever one makes you feel the least pain is the only option. Live in the past or for the future? If both of you can forget the past you have a chance.. People should be individuals in their own right. It cant be you or her, it has to be you or him. Figure out what you both really want and dont let him spin you any crap.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 September 2010):
 My advise, as a woman who had to do the walking with three kids and nothing else, get your finances in order, tie them up tight, make sure if you have joint accounts that there are not substantial amounts in them, make sure no joint credit cards etc etc and then put the big ultimatum to him
you or her?
If he says you, great, he needs to get his sh*t together and get over her, quick smart, if its her, he needs to make sure you and the kids are okay and shove off, without too much fan fare, the time for dilly dallying and keepiong you on tenterhooks is over!
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