A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:What would you do, if your husband would never want sex with you for years, and you don't know why.My husband stopped looking at me, and touching me. He also wont get an erection, when we tried sex, what was not for a long time.Doctor says he is in perfect health.Psychologist says he has sexual desire disorder, but he does not know why, and not doing anything about it.I'm trying to put up with this ,but my self-esteem is suffering greatly.I just can't believe this, he used to be very highly sexual.How can I stay with him like that? 26 years together, with kids.How can I deal with this?
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (27 October 2011):
Did you get to this situation slowly over the years or has something changed more suddenly? If its been sudden, and you are sure he´s not seeing another woman, then the cause of his impotence is probably a major factor. Is there stress from work or finances? When a man loses confidence that an erection will work then he will often avoid all physical contact that might lead to sex. Getting in good shape physically is the first thing for both of you. If you have lost the closeness that used to be there then you need to refind this before any conversation on the topic will be helpful. There is medication that will probably cure the erection issue, but if he has really permanently lost interest then you either take up gardening or find some alternative 'company'.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): You may not be able to deal with this, and you certainly cannot do this alone.
The first step, get into counseling and find out what is going on.
"Psychologist says he has sexual desire disorder, but he does not know why, and not doing anything about it."
Which means someone isn't talking, or someone isn't listening.
I'd suggest couples counseling, not individual counseling, you both need to be in the room and figure this out.
Understand this, certainly something is wrong, but it isn't being recognized, and it isn't "low sexual desire" that is just the symptom of whatever it is that is wrong.
It isn't you...trust me on that, I've been in your shoes.
It is far more complex than that. I had the same problem with my spouse for much of our marriage (nearly 20 years). She would go through periods that there was no sex, and she told me a number of times that she could "take it or leave it". Today, after 18 months of couples counseling, and her being in individual counseling, that is not the case. She took months of counseling to finally tell me and the counselor that she'd been sexually abused, she also told me and the counselor that she'd made up her mind long ago that she was "never going to ever tell anyone anything about it".
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A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (26 October 2011):
 I really feel for you, I can't answer your question because there must be so much more your not saying, I was in a relationship with a man (14 yrs) who even asked me to marry me, that night he wanted pizza (I laugh now) rather than have sex with me. That's my story not yours, but what I drew from it, is that it was not me.
Please share a little more about what's happened maybe people can help x
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