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male
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anonymous
writes: Ok, here's a tricky one.....I met my gf bout 2 yrs ago. She's 5 yrs my senior (30) and physically she looks ok. The thing is , I get bothered by the fact that she has been a model in her early 20's, only for a few years, bcoz she didnt like the idea of being used for looks. Now the thing is she's telling me how nice and firm her body was, how she's used to get "whislted" on the street, etc. Now she lost all interest in her looks, she's got a bit of a belly and cellulite (nothing much though) and I just hate the fact that she doesnt want to look better....If not 4 me, than at least 4 herself...It's very frustrating, coz I dont even want to say much, as she is very "touchy" when it comes to that. I only told her I never liked overweight women etc, but it's not her case... All this is fueling my incertainties that I already have about us (her being older, etc) so I don't know what to do about it. Any advice U can give me is gladly welcomed.....
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female
reader, prettyinpink +, writes (18 December 2006):
I honestly don't see anything wrong with the fact that you want your girlfriend to look good. There is a difference from when you take care of yourself and when you don't. You feel a lot better about yourself and you feel as if you are more confident.
I've always had a fear of getting fat, and I was actually always under weight, but looked very unhealthy. Just this past september I've been regularly going to the gym, and I feel I eat a lot better than I used to and I look good to, not just physically but in terms of health.
I've also started dressing nicer, and just caring more for myself. It makes me feel good and there is nothing wrong with that.
If you want her to get to the gym then maybe you should suggest going together, or try to go for joggs together or something, that should get her going. If you want her to change the best way is to take part in the activities with her.
Hope this helped, and please don't believe that your shallow for wanting your girlfriend to look good, there is nothing wrong with that. IT's the same as her telling you wut to wear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2006): You have to meet her where she is now, you are just wasting daylight by dwelling on things that you feel you missed out on in her life before you came along...I think the advantage of being with an older woman (and 5 years is not really that significant of a difference) is that she is more secure in who she is and can better love you because of that. I think you are guilty of the feeling of entitlement which is a current disease in our society, we are bombarded with ads and pictures of beauty that are unrealistic....the models in magazines are 16 now days made up to look older, this is totally unrealistic. Aging is nothing to feel ashamed of.
I understand your wish that she would work out, but it won't work for you to pressure her into this, it will drive a wedge between you....Maybe approach her with taking daily long walks of a mile or so every night after dinner, it will have the added benefit of some alone time where you can chat and share your day and walking is really one of the easiest excercises to do, and will shape her up in no time. Also, suggest that you both eliminate unhealthy foods from your diet, anything with high fructose corn syrup inhibits a hormone in your body that signals when you are full, don't eat any food that is white or has enriched flour in it as all the nutrients have been taken out of it. Avoid foods with trans fats, but monounsaturated fats are healthy and necessary for your metabolism....these are life style changs that you can make TOGETHER, what is good for her is good for you as well...drink moderately if at all as it is wasted calories...buy a food scale and measure your food portions and count calories, do this as a team, don't make it all about her and I think she will be more receptive...I understand your desire, and I don't think you are wrong as you say you really love her, just be gentle and encouraging instead of disappointed, disgusted and frustrated and you may see her change her attitude towards diet and excercise...this will also give her a higher energy level and make her feel better and healthier and more alive.....a comeback for her religiousisty about not working out is that the body is the temple of the soul and one should take care of it and honor it by doing things to prolong the aging process.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto provide a little update , to make it more clear, what I was tryin to state is the fact that in her younger days she went to gym, exercised, eat healthy...Now she says all the time..."why bother", as if once she has me (future husband) why would she do all those things? I really think looking good and keeping fit should be a desiderate for all of us, not just when we want to attract a partner...She's also very religious now (as opposed to then so she says she wouldn't even wear those outfits that "required" a slim look....
The thing is - I really love her, and I'm sure we'll get over this, but I don't see why it would be wrong for me to want to have a wife with a nice body-especially when I know she was a model. And about the age difference issue-that's mainly the fact that I feel I've "lost out" on a lot of things nice in her life, lots of good-bad experiences that she's been thru...And it's also related to this because seeing the pictures of her as a model and looking at her now..........do U get my point.....I kno age changes people , but like one of U said, she's in her prime, so she should be looking her best, if she took more interest in it....
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (17 December 2006):
 I don't think this guy is actually being so shallow as to judge his GF on her looks. I think in this case he is looking for a way out and is maybe using the cellulite and weight thing thing as an excuse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): If your girlfriend is only 30, she is in the prime of her life, she will never be better physically than she is right now, unless she starts a workout regimine and diet plan in order to maintain what she has or improve on it for a few pounds lost....if that is all that is bothering you a few extra pounds then I think you could tell her that you have noticed she is a little pudgey around the middle and would she like to work out with you, that you know how much her looks bother her and you want her to be happier so that she will feel good about herself because that does affect her self confidence and how she relates to you.
But, if you are placing so much importance on her looks and you are afraid you are no longer attracted to her, then that says a lot about the depth of your feelings for her and perhaps even your feelings about yourself....is there something else about your age difference that concerns you, like the fact that you had better marry her sooner than later if you two want to start a family and that scares you? Don't make this about her and her looks as that is not fair to her....if you have concerns about the pace of your relationship due to your age differences than talk to her about that, not her cellulite, which all women have by the way, we store fat near our skin which is thinner then it is in men, it is not caused by lack of excercise or poor diet, but the connective tissue between our skin and muscles, losing weight and staying fit to retain muscle does improve it's appearance, but it does not make it dissappear completely fo most women.
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A
male
reader, guylostinlove +, writes (17 December 2006):
I don't think it's something he can help .. if he likes attractive looking women .. It's the way society has put an image on what everyone should look like. So, most of the time, we are what our environment shapes us to be like. That can't be denied. And, perhaps this 'beauty' he's referring to is what he takes it to be. Someone else who sees girlfriend may not think she's pretty. Therefore, beauty in the eye of the beholder also plays a part. Nothing wrong with being attracted to a good looking girl. Because, in a relationship, there should really be some physical attraction besides mental.
As far as the problem of the girl letting herself go ... this (as mentioned) is definitely that needs to be subtlely dealt with. If you go the gym, perhaps invite her to go along with you. Otherwise .. the next time you buy her a article of clothing, something a little skimpier that she might feel good in. Feels that she looks good in. Give her some of that sex appeal back. Maybe, just maybe, it will have her thinking of getting back to her roots (keeping herself looking good). Besides that, letting herself go isn't going to be healthy for her if she's putting on weight and no exercise at all.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (17 December 2006):
I think this is more to do with your attitude to her than a problem for her, at least on the surface. But the fact that she is telling you how she used to be could indicate that she is harkening after 'the good old days' when she was completely firm and 'perky'.
Do you really want to help her? The DO NOT mention this problem in this way to her. It will kill off any self esteem she has left. What she wants to here is how you find her completely desirable NOW, cellulite and all!
There are ways round this. How about the two of you starting a health kick together. Get her to take up runnign or going to the gym with you. Don't mention dieting, just start a healthy diet regime of your own, emphasise the health aspect of it, not the fat and looks aspect of it. Maybe she will then start to take pride in herself again. This is only a suggestion and I hope that it works out for you.
x
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female
reader, GonnaWrite4Life +, writes (17 December 2006):
Yeah, sounds like you only like her for her looks... Maybe the reason you're experiencing uncertainties is because you don't love her for who she really is instead of the couple of pounds she's put on. Do some soul searching or let this poor woman go.
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