A
male
age
36-40,
*immy5883
writes:Hi. I need some advice, i've been with my girlfriend for 9 months now, i'm 27 and she's 36 we both have a lot in common and share some great times together. Her husband died nearly 3 years ago in a motorbike accident and she also has two daughters aged 14 and 16 and I get on great with them. She always talks about her husband but it has never bothered me. Here's my problem, I moved in with her about 2 weeks after we got together as we both felt this was right. A couple of weeks ago it should of been her husband's birthday and she hasn't been in a very good mood since. She asked me to move back home last week as she said she needs her space but I can stay round at weekends although since I moved out i've seen her everyday, the day after I moved out she asked me round for dinner. She says she loves me and assures me she is not going to dump me. I just need to know what I can do to assure this doesn't happen. Should I stop seeing her everyday and give her space or carry on as normal ? Also what can I say to comfort her as she seems to be going through a bad time over her husaband at the moment.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 “This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”
-Lynnie_buttercup-
This is a very beautiful quote and it shows what you have to do for your friend who is going through some stormy phase in her life.
Be there and supportive of her .Sometimes no word is needed. Your presence is all that is required. Slowdown your pace and walk in step with her pace.
I think she needs more time to decide if she can accept you or be committed to you .She may have felt it was too soon or too fast for you to move in and take over her deceased husband's place.She maybe afraid of others negative perceptions of her.
I think another reason could probably be the age differences .This could cause some mental block for some girls.
In the end the need for security and love will over ride those initial rejections.
Be patient, compassionate, kind and understanding and lastly love her unconditionally.
Wish you all the best and success in your mission.
A
male
reader, jimmy5883 +, writes (15 February 2010):
jimmy5883 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies everyone. I will certainly take your advice and carry on as normal and be there for her when she needs me. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (15 February 2010):
It sounds as though she might be feeling guilty about moving on yet her husband died so perhaps she feels like she is betraying his memory being so happy. People who lose loved ones often go through these stages of mourning. In psychology we call them: Denial (it can't be true), then Anger (why me?), then Bargaining (surely I could have..), then Depression (I miss him), then finally Acceptance (let me move on with my life). Occasionally there is regression to a previous stage now and then; the transition is rarely seamless. She might be going through some depression at the moment and all you can do is be there to listen. Perhaps she fears losing you too; we call this Displacement where the survivor is worried that she may lose people she loves again. Sorry to sound so clinical, I'm just trying to help you understand a little of what she might be experiencing. If she is depressed then it might be an idea to get her to revisit her bereavement counselor for a few sessions just to get through this rough patch. But ultimately only time can heal and in sudden deaths as with accidents it is often much more difficult to move on. Just make sure you never tell her to move on or snap out of it because you are an interested party who has to show sensitivity or else she will cut you off. Counselors and her children might have more authority to be tough on her, but you have to remain supportive no matter what you believe she should do. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 February 2010):
 I don't know if you've ever lost someone close to you. She promised her life to this man, and now she has to make a new life without him. That's hard, and birthday's and holiday's remind her that she's alive and he is dead. She is going through so many emotions, anger, sadness, happiness (because of you) and guilt, guilt for living and finding happiness when he is dead and gone.
As you say, she loves you, she wants you in her life, but at certain times, there so many emotions going around inside of her that it's not fair on you to be around her. And it's not fair for her either, she needs all her strength just to deal with these emotions.
Bereavement counselling will help, but she's probably ok, she's happy to find you to love. It's just at these key moments, special moments that remind her of what she has lost and where she is in her life.
What can you do.. Looks like your doing everything you need to. Your being there, your loving her, your trying to understand and your trying to comfort her. Maybe in time, you can help her make new celebrations with you, and maybe little celebrations for her old husband, who is surely smiling down and is glad she is happy once again.
You seem like a very nice person, she's a lucky lady to find two wonderful men to love in her lifetime. Just be you, that's more than enough.
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A
male
reader, Daveeeeeee  +, writes (15 February 2010):
 Mate , you are too young for her for a start , stop looking for a mother figure , the man should always be older .
Secondly ..get out of there , you are cramping her , you have lasted buggar all time and you shouldn't have moved in anyhow ..Give her TOTAL space , then when she does come to you , explain you are only 27 , need to have your own children and life and forget all else .
Believe me ..put 15 years onto this you would have NO interest at all , get out and find yourself a " proper " girlfriend 21 - 25 years old ..You are too young , It will never work , and you need to reproduce yoursel .
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 February 2010):
I don#t think you can really say anything. But you can certainly carry on as you are. She seems to really enjoy your company, and I'm sure she does love you. But at the moment clearly she's not ready to have another man move in with her. Continue to give her time just as you are, and be there for her when she needs you. If you try to do anything else, she might feel a bit smothered, and if you pull away she will think you're losing interest. Just continue as you are for now and see what happens.
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