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How to fix a dating mistake?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 February 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 9 February 2009)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I met this guy three weeks ago when I wasn't even looking for a relationship, as I'd just gotten out of one. He caught me off guard with how easy our conversation flowed and how much we had in common. He texted and called me constantly for days before he begged me to see him. I consented and we ended up having a great first date, and a great makeout session.

We spent time together again and I spent the night at his place (no sex). He told me that he was going out of town to meet with his college buddies (he is only 22, just out of school, whereas I am much older, 28). I was hesitant, but the night before I consented. During the trip, we talked a lot and he revealed a lot about himself to me. He introduced me to all of his friends and showed me around his old college town. On the way back, I revealed a bit more about myself, like about exes and such (he'd told me extensively about his ex) and then he said something that puzzled and shocked me: "Wow, I feel like I know everything about you now."

I said, "No, you don't, but sorry, I didn't mean to verbally throw up on you."

From that point, I felt very insecure about revealing so much. I had let my guard down and felt very vulnerable. Plus, he was being silent and a bit distant, claiming fatigue.

That night, he revealed more about himself, some pictures and some things that he had written. We ended up sleeping together. It was amazing. He didn't want to cuddle afterward, which I thought was a bit bizarre, but I let it be.

The next morning, he acted distant and strange again, and, again made me feel more insecure about giving so much of myself away. I asked him in the car ride back to my place if he regretted sleeping together so soon. He told me no and that he was always like that after the first time.

Later that night, he sent me a random text about what he was doing that evening. We had a slight conversation, but nothing too intense or lovey dovey. Last night was the first night I haven't heard from him.

I'm thinking that perhaps he's a little freaked out by things moving too quickly, and maybe he's afraid that I'll want more than dating, which I don't. I enjoy his company and want to learn more about him, but I'm not sure how to rectify this situation, or if it can be rectified.

So, here are my options: 1) I let the situation be, and if he calls me again, I act like nothing happened and that everything's fine, 2) I let the situation be, and if he calls me again, I bring up the fact that I feel uncomfortable that perhaps I let too much out, and that I want to make sure that he knows that I'm not trying to push things, or 3) I wait a few days and call him, feeling out the situation and then letting him know how I feel.

Which should I do?

View related questions: his ex, insecure, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I appreciate the advice. I know that I just need to move on with my life and that, if it's meant to be, he'll call me. I just feel a lot of disappointment and rejection over this, which is totally on me. I'm also disappointed in myself for being so vulnerable so soon and letting myself let him lead the tone of this situation instead of using my better judgement, which was to take it slow. Oh, well, live and learn, I guess! I'll update if he does call.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009):

I think you made a couple of dating mistakes here. Never talk about your exes, men don't really want to hear about it even if they talk about yours, you failed test no. 1. Guys don't want to visualize some other guy on top of you and that is what he does when you talk about the ex, especially do soon.

Dating mistake number two, you spent the night with him on your first date, regardless of the no sex thing, it appears to easy too eager too clingy too much too soon.

Dating mistake number three, you slept with him too soon, and now he is doing the normal guy thing he is backing way off and wondering, boy she was easy. And probably thinking that you are not girlfriend material.

Now, just because you made those mistakes, you can still redeem yourself and save the show. Let him call you, let him take his distance, don't appear clingy, needy, I need to know where I stand, did I say too much, I am so insecure and desperate I need an answer right now.

Just breathe and get on with your life....if you don't hear from him by a couple of weeks, you can call him, but after a guy sleeps with you for the first time he feels vulnerable too if he likes you, and it could take him quite some time not to feel that way and feel like seeing you again. The longer he waits the more freaked out he becomes and he may also feel he screwed up because he did not call....so after a couple of weeks it is OK to call.

Next time you are out with him, try not to sleep with him, thank him for the date, kiss him and go home! But don't make him feel you rejected him, tell him you think you got a carried away because he is such a sexy man, but that you really want to get to know him first before doing that again....and can you just slow down and talk? And do that. Remember if you really like him and want to see if he could be a boyfriend to you, then put the relationship first and not the sex. He will respect you more, and probably be more motivated to keep seeing you to find out what else there is about you besides your body that he could love.

Of course there are really no rules to dating, but I think the above will get you better results unless you are just wanting to be a booty call.

Good Luck

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A male reader, PeterPan United States +, writes (8 February 2009):

PeterPan agony auntPersonally, option 1 should be off the table. Frankly, it requires not action on your part and just allows fate to decide where the chips fall. I am not like that, maybe you are too since your other options do require some action on your part. For me, plain and simple, I would just want to know where I stand, one way or another than to be just riding the waves and waiting. That all said, I like your third option most. Take a stand, be a willing participant and find out what's going on. It's better to get into the game and find out that things weren't quite as great as you thought than to be sitting around wondering what happened.

I guess what I'm really saying is that relationships are a two-person activity. Assuming that you are getting honest responses from him, there's only one way to know what's on his mind or what's on yours -- express it openly and honestly.

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