A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it ok for a guy you are trying to get back with to tell you things like "If we end back together, two months before the wedding he wants to be sure he impregnated you" of even use "If" in the context of serious conversation about our relationship.I have been broken up from my ex for seven months now. We have started talking but our conversation have been focused on what went wrong in the past but not nothing really serious about us moving forward and getting back together. As a matter of fact, he seems to not want to talk about us getting back together, I feel he just wants it to happen without us talking about it and this I have been fighting. He continues to call me his baby like the past and really still acts in his head like we should not start over but continue from where we left.I may be playing hard to get because I don't want to be the one that initiates the conversation of us starting afresh. I want him to want it and ask.Yesterday, we were talking as usual and he said "If things work out...." He has been using this "If" phrase a lot. I have read somewhere that one should run away from a man who use "If" to describe the future of the future of a relationship. It shows that he is not sure about the woman. If he is not sure, I will not want to set myself up again. So I am wondering what will be the best bet. When we started talking, I told him what I want is exclusivity and true commitment in order for us to get back. So since then I have been waiting for him to make the proper move but nothing of such has happened.He also asked me yesterday " I think you are waiting for me to say something" And I said No, I'm not. Should I tell him how I feel again. Wouldn't it seem manipulative when you tell a man I want you to ask me out again?I know we both are trying to figure out if we can make this work again but I am waiting on a pursuit while still keeping myself available for other men.When should I give up hope that we can ever get back together. I keep thinking of the distance and how we will even start afresh when one is not willing to move. So my questions and confusion are below. Please help:1. When a man keep saying "If" in the context of describing ones relationship, is he saying he is not ready to make a decision of if I am the one for him?2. Will I ruin things, if I tell him that I really like him and will like us to work on getting back together? Shouldn't that come from the man?3. How do i tell him that the relationship we had before is dead and he should stop holding on to the past and acting like we are still together without pissing him off or pushing him off completely?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 October 2012):
 7 months of Ifs is a whole lot of iffing,and I would not hold my breath waiting that for him to clean his act and suddenly becoming proactive.
At 37, he may be immature but surely he is not a child, so he must have figured out that when you want something to happen, you need to get involved in the process. If you need the lights on in your room, you push the light switch, you don't wait for someone to come by sooner or later and do it for you.
He is clear about the reasons of your discontent- i.e. he is dragging his feet and not actually SEEKING a way for you two to live together in the same State, - he must be clear, because that's what you broke up over ,right ?
So, it does not really take a rocket scientist or a wise old man to figure out that the way to dispel your discontent, restore harmony and restart the relationship, is actually starting doing what you were mad at him for not doing before.
IF he does not, I think ( as it is 99% the case in human matters ) it's because basically he does not want to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, I broke up with him because in 11/2 yrs after we have talked about marriage and actually figured out a plan to be together in the same state, he started dragging his feet. I thought it was time to show him I can walk since it seems he is feeling too comfortable with me making all the plans to fly over there or finding something to so.
I had a hand in it all and I knew if this is the man I still want, we had to change the dynamics of the relationship. I was giving too much and never gave him the chance to make decisions for us. The break up was a wake up call.
I have taken time out to figure things out and why we were so very confused. I now know to allow him to do the thinking and make the decisions instead of me playing a mommy role all the time.
He is resenting the change but it is better for us. It makes me feel less needy.
No, we are not having sex and I have not had any since the break up. We have not physically seen each other since the break up either.
Yes he is confused about what I want. He has invited me to his state and I have declined because i feel he needs to come here first. SO maybe that expectation is too high and he doesn't see eye to eye with me. So I am at a point of trying to figure out how to move this forward without acting like I am the one leading the relationship.
All I want him to do even though I don't want to be the one to tell him is for him to come to me and tell me that he wants to work on making this relationship work and these are the things he is willing to work on for us to get there.
Every time I call the shots it backfires so let him be the man that wears the pants and if he is just not able to, then he may lose me in the process completely. I just hear people telling me you need to sometimes help a man to understand how to love you the way you want to be loved.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 October 2012):
 What was it that made you break up in the first place?
Was it something that actually CAN be fixed and who should fix it.
I have to say that if a guy "if's" a lot about it then he isn't sure. To me that seems like he is willing to get back together for as long as they don't have anything better. I say that simply because IF he really wanted to be with you, he ought to have mentioned it already. And YOU might be dragging your feet too because you have certain expectations of him that he hasn't fulfilled. He hasn't fulfilled them because he can't read your mind and/or he doesn't WANT to.
So are you two "just" talking or are you doing the FWB while "figuring it out" ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes he is very childish. He will be 37 this year. I know I have a grown baby. I really don't want to give up on him since I've been seeing the changes he is making in his life. I am happy to see the growth progress and know that it's only a matter of time for him to fully work on himself and really start taking his relationship serious. I have seen boys like him turn into men in a day so it seems possible. I guess I am too impatient to wait on him to work on what we had and what we can have. I truly love him and I don't know why.
I can be very hard and mean but for him I have a soft spot for. Something about him draws me to him. It's not like I cant get a more matured guy but I see the potential and don't want to give up. I am not waiting around so to speak because I have 3 other guys I'm talking to. But something about this childish guy draws me to him. Maybe I need help myself. lol
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 October 2012):
 His, is a childish game that you needn't participate in... providing that YOU have matured to "adult".... and find it (his game) offensive.....
There really ARE nice guys "out there".... and you can find one without really looking too hard....
Good luck....
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