A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I left an abusive relationship about a month ago. In retrospect, I wonder why I put up with the screaming and cursing, the threats of violence, the baseless accusations of cheating, and the infliction of pain and discomfort (e.g., puckering up as if she wanted a kiss and using that as a ruse to torture my testicles or force her booger into my mouth) because, as she said, "it makes me happy when I do those things to you, and it is just my way of showing affection." It was a crazy situation and I had to take steps to secure my own safety (like calling the police, moving, changing my phone number, and running into hiding when her father started driving to town to beat up my visiting parents and I).What has been surprising is that I have not strongly felt any of the emotions that people describe having after breaking up a long-term relationship. I have not once missed being with her or wanted her back. I do not feel angry at her. I don't even feel much regret, since I can see that I learned quite a lot about myself and others from the experience. At first I felt a high level of anxiety, but even that has diminished over the past several weeks. In sharp contrast to how miserable I was while in the relationship, I now feel profoundly normal. I have been enjoying the activities that she prohibited me from doing (like drinking from water fountains, baking, tucking in my shirt, and doing my hair the way I like), and I have been reconnecting with many old friends and getting together to eat, talk, or play board games. I have also been getting more exercise.The only negative emotion that I feel strongly is a form of loneliness, although I am usually quite happy spending time by myself. More precisely, I feel a deep need for sharing mutual affection and physical touch with someone, and it sort of hits me when I get into bed by myself. I find myself fantasizing quite a bit about holding hands, cuddling with, passionately kissing, and talking to someone I care about deeply.My question is, how wary should I be about how good I feel? Am I setting myself up for some sort of emotional crash? Also, since I already feel so normal, and it is obviously way too soon to date again, then how am I supposed to know when I am ready for that?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 July 2013):
 I don't think it is strange at all to feel normal after ending such a relationship. People are different, some heal faster than others, but something people tend to have in common is that they feel relief when they get out of a situation that was bad for them. It SHOULD make you feel normal, relieved, happy, to be able to do normal things. As opposed to being bullied. Compare it to a child bullied in school, who gets to go to a new school where he isn't bullied. Would it not be expected that he is happier in the new school, with no bullies, rather than sit and miss the old school?
People grieve the lost dreams, for most part, rather than the loss of a relationship. People get sad when they end a relationship because they had hoped for so much more, or something different, than what they got. The reality of the situation made them end the relationship, but they feel sad and cry because things didn't turn out the way they hoped. So if you get sad, do not think it is a sign that you were happy with her. It would be natural to grieve the loss of time you spent on her, the loss of dreams that didn't come true, the loss of love you wasted on this bully. You can grieve because of all of this, but don't misunderstand what it is you grieve... it's not because you miss her. Her treatment of you was horrible. You deserve so much better. You deserve to be treated like a human, with respect.
Be happy that she is out of your life. Allow yourself to be happy! Don't feel bad about it for one second, you finally won your freedom back, and it was a tough battle to get it back. Standing up to a bully is very difficult, and takes a lot of courage and strength.
I wouldn't say it is too soon to be in a relationship with someone new, because people are different. Some heal faster than others, and it also depends on how your relationship was. I once ended a relationship that took me several years to heal completely from. I still cried about it two years after we broke up... Then again, I had another relationship that I ended, and a month later I was perfectly fine and ready to be with someone new. This last relationship I mentioned was also a bad relationship, with a man who was not good, screaming at me, telling me what I could and couldn't do. I felt happy, relieved even, when I ended it. Finally... free! You know, it just shows how much they controlled you, and how bad the relationship was, that you experience pure joy to be rid of them. I did love him, but I have strong doubts that he loved me. Same with you, I do not doubt that you loved her, but her feelings for you were not love.
You will know when you are ready to be with someone new. You're ready when you feel you wont bring baggage from the old relationship into the new one. You're ready when you no longer have a need to talk about your ex, or dwell on the things that happened. You're allowed to think about them, but if you go on and on about it to your friends/can't let go, then you're not ready. But if you feel as if you want to do something different, try something new, feel like you want to experience a new relationship (and NOT just because you want a replacement of your ex) then I say go for it.
But take a good look at why you ended up with your horrible ex first. Because you were in need of that intimate connection with someone, I am afraid you might have overlooked the red flags. Don't make the same mistakes again. Remind yourself that you are better off as single and alone, than with someone who treats you like your ex did. It's not worth it, just to have someone to hold around at night. Remember that when you go dating again, that wanting to hold someone close and be intimate with does NOT mean anyone will do. Not everyone is good enough.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): Well done for leaving!
You're feeling relief. Wonderful.
You're obviously tuned into your feelings, so just take it day by day, listen to your heart and carry on enjoying your life.
Feeling lonely is OK. All feelings are OK. Don't worry, you sound as though you are doing just fine.
X
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (27 July 2013):
You’re feeling so normal because you’d already gone through a lot of the process of accepting the relationship had no future, whilst you were still in it. Walking away was actually the end stage of that process for you. It was a dysfunctional and frankly dangerous relationship that made you miserable, it’s little wonder you’re not sad to be out of it. Everyone reacts differently to a break-up and that depends both on how mutual the break-up was or who initiated it, and why it ended.
Only you will know when you’re ready to date again. Maybe you will choose to wait until you meet some-one you like, or you might decide later on to start looking. But you seem very switched on, and capable of reflecting and questioning your emotional responses so you’re one of those people that give me confidence that you’ll correctly determine when you’re ready for something.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Makayla5893  +, writes (27 July 2013):
Hi there :) you have just come out of an abusive relationship that sounds like it was controlling your life and making you miserable. I'm glad to hear that you're feeling 'normal' and are getting back your own sense of identity as a person outside of this toxic relationship. It takes a lot of self empowerment to break up with someone, so you should definitely feel happy and proud of yourself for putting her out of your life. Embrace your positive emotions, your heart isn't fooling you so don't question it. In regards to your question about dating, only you can know when you're ready. Some people get themselves back in the dating game straight away which is fine, but personally I only start again when I know Im fully over the last relationship. I think how you know you're over someone is when you feel indifferent about them- no love, no hate- just indifferent. Good luck! :)
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