A
female
age
30-35,
*amasaidknockyouout
writes:I have a gorgeous 2 month old daughter and she's my world.My past with her father isn't so great and I haven't even talked to him since I was 16 weeks pregnant, so basically forever ago! He treated me poorly and said hurtful things, as well as some threats.After I got pregnant he decided to tell me he was doing cocaine and drinking... I CANNOT be with someone like that (recovering heroin addict, clean 1 1/2 years) and I sure as hell would not want someone like that around my daughter.Throughout the rest of my pregnancy he did not bother to contact me at all so he doesn't know the gender or name. During my pregnancy, I was like "good, he doesn't deserve to know!" He threatened us, whether or not they were legitimate, and he made no effort finding out about my pregnancy.I had my daughter 2 months ago and when she was 2 weeks old, guess who decides to call? So he's been trying to contact me ever since then and I ended up blocking his number - I have no idea how I want to deal with this.I'm not worried about child support, it's not needed and I'm more concerned about my daughter's safety.That being said I. Feel. So. Guilty. I feel like although I'm trying to protect her I could be hurting her at the same time. I understand that she's so young but obviously my actions now are going to contribute to her future and I'm so afraid I'm going to do the wrong thing. I feel selfish because I feel if I were her, I would wanna know who my dad was.With my (slight) change of heart, I called back restricted and late in order to ensure getting sent to voicemail and just told him my e-mail. (I want hard evidence of our conversations, it's more convenient to get back to him on my time and I have time to think before I speak.)I've yet to hear from him but I'm not even sure if I want to continue communication.Initially I thought, if he wants to be in his child's like HE can request a paternity test and from there HE can fight for visitations AFTER he straighteds himself out.But now, I feel guilty withholding details about his daughter (gender, name, birthday, weight, etc) because if I were in my daughter's shoes, I would understand where my mother was coming from but I would've wished she would've encouraged him to turn his life around.I have no idea what to do here, what would you do in my situation and what would be best for my daughter?I'm afraid to do the wrong thing. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2011):
 First of all congrats on 18 months clean and sober! BIG hard task and you SHOULD BE VERY PROUD of YOURSELF. I'm proud of you. I get that.
you are trying to protect your child...that's a good thing.
If I was you I would think an lawyer would be in order to insure that your daughter is SAFE with her dad.... if he WANTS a relationship with her and he's NOT clean he needs to have court ordered SUPERVISED visitation. but you should let him have that access if he wants it.. then your daughter is safe and you have no guilt and the COURT has the final say. IF he shows up impaired for a visit the court liason will deny the visit... and YOU are not the guilty one...
A
female
reader, supermum  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 You are a mum. It is your job to be strong for the rest of your little girls life :) You can do it, after facing motherhood, nothing should scare you!
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A
female
reader, mamasaidknockyouout +, writes (20 November 2011):
mamasaidknockyouout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really do want to but I usually have the support of my family behind me but I don't have it in this situation so I don't have the confidence to go through with it ):
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (20 November 2011):
Right, this is a tricky one. The thing is, he has a right to be part of your daughters life. However, as her mum and protecter, you should make some firm ground rules like:
He is not allowed anywhere near her while under the influence of anything
All visits are to be supervised
Trust has to be earned and he may not spend time alone with her until he can prove he is clean
Days and times must be stuck to, if he fails to appear without one hell of a good reason, all visits are off.
Make sure he knows the rules, even get him to sign a contract if you can, and make sure you stick to it.
Your little girl has the right to make her own choices about her dad, but that will come when she is much older. At the moment, it is about letting her dad be a part of her life.
She does have the right to know about her father, and when she is older, I am sure she will ask all the relevant questions. But even when every question is answered, she will still decide to completely ignore you and make her own mind up, because that is what children do. So it is probably best not to push him away that much at the moment, just see how things go.
Congratulations by the way!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and give him one chance. Set it straight to him though that only one chance he will get and if he messes it up well then it is his problem. You turned your life around so hopefully he can do the same for his daughter. Off course you are trying to protect her but there are contact centres that he can go to, to spend some time with his child if he cleans up his act.
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