A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone help me as a married girl of 32 decide where to draw the line on whats acceptable in marriage in regards to weekends away with friends. My partner has always been selfish and spent new year with his mates in edinburgh. I was working so going wasnt an option. Now 4 weeks later he wants to return cos he'd great crack with his mates - this was where he studied so his mates are still there. I think he did well gettin away for a week at new year but now he heading back for 4 days i think its not fair. Again i cant get time off work. He says we can go away together in few months time when i get off work which is ok. But i kinda thought all this toing and froing would stop when we married but it hasnt. We dont have kids so he says he free to do what he wants. Feel like people are laughing at me for being such a walkover but really im just trying to keep my marriage together. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 I can see your dilemma but what I'm wondering is how often he's going off to see his mates, is it only once a year at New Years, or is it like every weekend? If it's a regular weekend occurrence then I'd be pretty peeved too, but a once a year thing would be a little easier to swallow. Don't think of yourself as being a walkover by letting him have his boys time (if it's not all that often), because everyone needs space in a marriage. Even after you have kids he will probably still want those boys weekends and like someone said, there's no reason you can't and shouldn't have your girl's weekends too.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (29 January 2014):
 I can see both points of view here. Your working so can't go, he's at home alone, waiting for you to come home knowing he can go up there, see friends and enjoy himself.
Maybe he could go someplace that doesn't involve a whole 4 days away this time?
Its tough when your job entails weekend hours,even tougher if his job is Monday to Friday.
Do you never go away together overnight, or is it just him going away? Does he stop you from doing the same with your friends? Is money a problem? Do you work every weekend ?
If you trust him 100% then fine, let him go, just make sure you have time with him and with your friends. Its cheap to do a weekend in say Europe nowadays, so before the children arrive, do it.
Don't be too scared to discuss it, it can be done in a reasonable way and without ultimatums. You need to get your opinion across or resentment will fester and grow
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): To be honest I think you're handling this really well, too well in fact. I definitely couldn't handle it at all - call me mean or insecure or selfish or whatever but I just couldn't do what you've done. For him to go away on New Year's and leave you alone sucks. But to then take a similar trip...it would both drive me nuts and break my heart. It sounds to me as if you are feeling pretty neglected by him anyway - is this the case? - and these trips with others are therefore putting a massive strain on whatever time and attention he has leftover for you.
If your partner is stuck at work and can't get time off then it makes sense that they will be fed up and in need of love and attention and cheering up. It shouldn't be an excuse for the other partner to then think "great, I'll go off and have fun alone". Your partner IS incredibly selfish in that regard and not working as a team at all. And when and if you have kids, I bet my bottom dollar that he will do everything that he can to use a similar perverted 'logic' to find ways not to help out and not to work as a team but to instead satisfy his own needs first.
Why did you marry this person? Do you have low self esteem and were you brought up to put your own needs last? Or is there some other reason why you married a selfish man in the first place?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 January 2014):
 How are you two doing financially?
Do you share a bank account and costs or pay 50/50? Does HE pay for his own way (for those 4 days) or would the costs go from "shared" money?
To be honest I don't really see why he can't go. Unless he spends so much money you are having trouble paying bills or put food on the table.
If you have to work those days, do you expect him to sit at home while you are at work?
Personally, I would take a girls week-end (when you can) and not include him from time to time. DO it now BEFORE kids, trust me on that. Those little things such as a week end in London (or Paris or where ever) are a LOT less doable once you have kids.
Why exactly is it that makes you so angry that he STILL wants to hang out with friends? Being married doesn't mean you can't still HAVE friends or spend time with them (at least not to me) - neither does it mean you should be GLUED to your partner. (again for me personally) - if he isn't being inappropriate (like pretend he is still single or get crazy fall down drunk, spend a ton of money that you two don't have - I really don't see the problem.
Find a middle-ground you can BOTH be happy about. Marriage is about compromises and TALKING things through, not just about 1 person getting what they want - be it YOU or him.
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