A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My question is whether or not I should give my boyfriend more time, or whether I should end the relationship to find someone else. Here are the facts relating to my question:He's terrified of taking any kind of "next step" with me--namely, moving in together or getting engaged--and refused to even discuss it until a few months ago. Prior to that he said he "wasn't ready to talk about how he wasn't ready to talk about it." Otherwise we talk about everything and understand each other very well. We are very similar temperamentally and the vast majority of things we enjoy, we both enjoy. We were attracted to each other right away and he seemed utterly crazy about me. Instead I find that he is disappointingly sane.He was eager to get me to be his exclusive girlfriend but that's it. He and I have been going out for about 2.5 years now. I'm 27 years old and he is 29. He's got a stable job that pays pretty well (though he is paid less than some others in his field) and I'm working on building my own business. Currently I only make a couple hundred dollars a month from my business--not enough to live on. I still live at home with my parents rent free as I work on building my business, and he is living in an apartment that was his mom's before she married her new husband. He also lives rent free but he pays all his bills (utilities, cable bill, groceries, clothes, car loan, insurance, etc.).There's one more thing to know about the money situation: even though I'm not making much income (yet), I do have quite a bit of money in my name that's in the stock market, thanks to my dad. Some might say I'm "independently wealthy"--but not insanely wealthy like a Rockefeller or something. I'm trying not to touch that money for as long as I can but I would if my parents said I couldn't live with them anymore, which did happen once back in December but my mom changed her mind.My boyfriend and I live about 20 minutes apart and see each other most nights of the week. My parents are okay with him staying over here and my boyfriend and I cook often for them, which they love. I spend time at his place too, but it's kinda dirty and cluttered, especially with his mom's old crap, so it's not so great. Recently he gave me a key to his place so I could use his computer (because I'm still starting up my business I'm holding off on buying myself a replacement for the one that got ruined by a virus). This is great--except his mom also has a key and she comes over randomly. One time she almost walked in on us getting busy! Other times she comes in while I'm using his computer for work and she ALWAYS talks my face off for 20-25 minutes, talking about politics obsessively as usual, even though she knows I'm working. Since she's paying the rent on the place, though, and besides she's his mom, I have to be polite to her and pretend like this is fine. He has warned her not to bother me while I'm working but she doesn't seem to remember this.I'm feeling fed up. It happened again yesterday that she talked to me for a long time while I was working, even though she started with, "Oh, you're working! I won't bother you" but she only held off for a few minutes before she just had to update me on her political stuff. I e-mailed my boyfriend about it at work as soon as she left. He told me he was embarrassed and that he was really sorry that she bothered me yet again. It was an annoyance, sure (the other reason I go to his place, other than to use his computer, is to escape my OWN parents interrupting my work!), but what really makes me fed up is thinking about how he is so terrified to move in with me that we're still stuck in this juvenile situation.I wouldn't expect him to pay all the rent, and told him so: I would pay half. I would sell some stocks and use that money to supplement what I wasn't earning from my business, and I could start baby-sitting again or take a job at an art store or something if my business really is slow to develop. I wouldn't expect him to pay everything. He says he doesn't want to put me in the position of dipping into my stocks. I said that that was fine, that I could pay half, and my dad had put the stocks in my name as a "cushion" anyway, for me to use in just this kind of situation (starting up a business, or being in graduate school for a long time was his other thought). He said he wasn't ready. He said he feels like he wants to pay off his car loan first and his student loans. He also feels he needs to clean up his apartment, reorganize it, and really make it nice, to prove that he can do it (he's sloppy by nature). He also feels like he needs to make more money first. There's this whole list. I am tired of waiting. I believe things don't need to be perfect before they can move forward. Maybe I am jumping the gun though? Since I am not supporting myself? I just figured that I could keep working hard and make it work somehow, that I don't have to have things all perfectly lined up before moving in. Whatever happened to "good enough"? And whatever happened to him being so eager to make me his? I feel devalued and hurt. I feel angry. It's one thing to say he needs to reorganize the apartment and whatever, but HE'S NOT DOING IT. He shows no eagerness to make things happen so we can really be together.Additionally (this is a huge issue to throw in at the end, I realize), I really want to have children in the next couple of years. My family tree has some issues with endometriosis and I am terrified that I'll be 35 and trying hard to get pregnant without success. I've dreamed all my life of being a mother. I think this guy would make an incredible father (um, other than all the complaints I've listed here). I have told him that this is very important to me and he acknowledged it, but basically replied that he is in no rush. He doesn't feel any urgency. I asked if he was going to leave me hanging until I finally had to leave him and he said of course he wouldn't. So...what should I do? I've been in love before so I know that this relationship isn't my only option. However, he is a wonderful guy and a really special, rare one. I just feel like I can't wait around for him for much longer.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2012): Don't take it personal he probably just doesn't want his life to change into being a family guy just yet or ever. And he sees your push to move in as a slippery slope. Next you will want marriage. Then kids and before he knows it he wakes up and his life isn't fun anymore. He may love you but that doesn't mean he wants to live the married family life. He likes things as they are now and nothing wrong with that. If you want things to change but he doesn't then its on you to leave him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): Lol no problem, its what were here for, thanks for the feedback and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses so far. (Also thank you for reading my super long post!) I guess I have been letting my emotions run away with me. It also was a red flag to me when he said he was "not ready to talk about how he was not ready" because my previous relationship lasted 7 years and most of that was him saying he wasn't ready. I was worried I was dating another Peter Pan (which the other guy definitely was). I will keep your perspectives in mind next time I am feeling frustrated about the situation. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 April 2012):
 I think your bf is not dragging his feet or being a perfectionist , but simply using common good sense.
These days , with very few exceptions, everybody needs to be a double income family, particularly if you are planning to raise kids, and a really minimal requirement for starting a common future together, as opposed to just shacking up then what happens happens, is that BOTH have a steady, reliable source of income. You are making 200 bucks a month, and he's basically living hand to mouth , how's that " good enough ". Sure you have your emergency funds, but that's not really an emergency, other than in your mind, and he is showing respect and character in not encouraging you to squander your father's inheritance , which might be used for better scopes in future ( expanding your business , sending your kids to college, buying your own house ) , just for the sake of playing house.
Come on, as of now between the two of you can't even afford to rent your own ( clean and uncluttered and MIL-free ) place ! I understand that the "juvenile " situation must be frustrating and uncomfortable for you, but... if you want to live like an adult, you have to think as an adult. An adult is able to delay gratification when circumstamces make it advisable.
Btw, talking about the situation with the future MIL, no offence meant, but you are seeing that too in a sort of " rebel teenager " way. Another way to see it it 's that it's still HER house with her stuff inside, and she's been awufully nice to give it rent-free to her son while she could rent it to somebody else,- that's a present worth a few thousands along the years,... and she is even nicer by not having any problem with YOU sharing the apartment as a study, don't take that for granted, if I do a favour to my son, say, lending him my car or other stuff, that's something I do for HIM, I don't have necessarily to be ok with his gf or friends sharing the favour. Just saying.
Another thing that a mature adult probably would not have a huge problem with, would be interrupting her work ( unless she were on the verge of finding a cure for cancer or stuff like that ) to politely entertain what ,after all, is her future mother-in-law in a 20 minutes conversation. Which, anyway, if needs be , can always be politely interrupted by " I am really enjoying this conversation ( white lie, of course ) but, I hope you don't mind if now I go back to my work, I have got strict deadlines to meet ".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2012): I think he is right here, you two are not ready to move in yet. If you do it now he is still paying things off, your working your business and another job on the side. It could be a pretty stressful start for you two. Not saying you cant do it, youve been together two years but it might be easier waiting till things get better.
You two see each other a lot and help each other out, you both get along with each others parents, seems like you two got something good. If your rare lover is very important to you and you see a bright future after you do move forward, i say take him by his word of not leavin you hangin.
hope this helped, wish you luck!
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