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How long does it take for a person's true colors to come out?

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Question - (14 June 2011) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 June 2011)
A female Malaysia age 30-35, anonymous writes:


I don't know whether my question is appropriate or not, but I am so lost.

I met a guy june 2010, but we didn't get close till january 2011. he was sweet n kind, i got interested n he finally confessed his feelings in april and soon after that we couple up.

my question is, how do u really know whether he really loves you or not? how long does it takes for his true colour to come out? in my experience, many guys were sweet n nice n gentle in the early stage, but turn ugly afterwards. i am afraid i will get heart broken again.

i sometimes asked myself, 'is he for real?' or 'is he playing me?' or 'is he using me?'.. it is not fair to him for me to asking that question, but i am really bad in judging people..

as about him, he had been telling his family bout me. he had tried to convinced me that his feelings are true. he is serious bout 'us' and want us to get engaged end of this year. but how am i to know this is for real..? i do love him n i want to take care of him too. and i also know if we get together, he will be such a wonderful husband, but that is juz maybe my hope n dream..

pls help.. is he really for real...?

View related questions: engaged, my ex

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (14 June 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt I'd say lke Chigirl, one year. But, it's not a magic nuber, we don't want, if this guys turn into a monster after 13 months, that you came back and yell at us : hey Aunts you told me one year !

I say one year because , in normal , average conditions, it's enough to have relevant stuff happen and see how he handles it.

Not one year of LDR where you are never meeting in person and only talking about oh I love you oh I miss you.

Not one year of a "fun" relationship where you only meet on Saturday nights and will just go clubbing with other people and get drunk, avoiding real intimacy.

One year of stuff happening. Like, in one year you'll have probably time to a have a biggish fight, how does he handle it ? He'll have time to hang out with your family and friends, how does he treat them ? Your birthday, or Xmas, will come up, how will he handle gift giving, will he have noticed your tastes and interesrs or will he be at a loss ? You'll spend a vacation, or a long weekend together, how do you get along for continuous extended periods of time ?.... Etc. etc.

Observe, and draw your conclusions. Always keeping mind that talk is cheap, and what counts are actions, consistent,repeated actions.

If he passes the one year test, well, of course there is never any guarantee in life, and people can freak out on you any time.... but it will be neither foolish nor unreasonable to assume that what you see is what you get.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (14 June 2011):

chigirl agony auntIn my experience, it takes a year before someone shows their true colours. Before a year has gone by I will not recommend you making any promises of the future, or get engaged. Wait at least a year to get to know each other better. You can move in together as see how that goes, but do not plan children or get engaged or married too soon. Take the time to figure out who he truly is.

Yes, MANY men are very sweet and eager in the beginning. But SO many relationships end during the first 9 months alone, after a year and a half the other section falls apart. The way I see it, those who last 2 years + have a chance at making it several more years. There is never any guarantees in life though.. You will never be completely sure. Love is about taking chances in the end.

However... I strongly recommend you tell him that it takes time to show love, it is shown through action and not words. Time will be the ultimate test.

Do you love him? How do you feel about him? Just tell him that things need to go slow, and not be rushed, and that if he truly loves you and wants to marry you, time will show.

He could be for real... but he could also be one of those guys who get smitten fast, over the head in love with you, and says anything in times of passion. It could be that if things get rough (have you even had a proper fight yet?) he'll bail on you. You don't know yet how his character is like. You also don't know yet if you truly love him either, as it takes time to fully get to know someone. You might love him for what he appears to be now... but you still need to see who he truly deeply is, and if you love that person as well.

Enjoy what you've got, but take your time.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011):

Listen to your gut feelings are they good? If yes, then, take a leap of faith - allow yourself to be happy and to make him happy

You have the engagement period to decide if it's what you both want .

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A female reader, chickpea2011 United States +, writes (14 June 2011):

chickpea2011 agony auntRather he's for real or not? Only time will tell. He's been with you for almost a year now, still with you, then why not trsut him, love him, appreciate him, enjoy your time together. Be happyn if you're happy he'll be happy too and you will have a wonderful relationship.

I understand that you said you've been hurt in the past and that you have trust issues. I don't blame you and you have the right to feel this way, but you need to push yourself out og the past and don't let past bad experiences control your life and your future. If you don't push yourself, you'll never be happy, not with him or anybody else. See, he's not the problem, your mind is making a problem. I know its difficult, but try to push yourself.

Seems like he's a nice guy, by the fact that he talks about you with his family means, he's serious about you. Only God knows what the future will bring, but learn to enjoy the moment. If you keep being this way, he might get tired and you might loose a great guy.

I understand you, because I also have trust issues, I know its hard, but I always push myself.. Try... :-)

Best wishes

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