A
female
age
51-59,
*ed4youmyluv
writes:I'm going to try and make this a short story but apologize for length. Basically I'm a single mom and have been dating my boyfriend for 4.5 yrs and no committment. We don't see other people, we are monogamous. We broke up last April 2008 for 2 months because I told him I wanted a future together and he said he wasn't ready yet. This is the second time we have broke up over him not wanting to committ to marriage. This last time he came back to me he went on a few dates and says he realizes now that I am the one. He said he wants to be a father to my children, get me a ring, marry me, that he would do anything I asked, including counseling. Now we have been back together for about 6 weeks and he is saying that he is still a little scared. And wants to talk about issues like money, if I will still work, who is going to pay for my kids college, and he wants to live in another area for the winter, and other issues relating to money. I have a good job and make decent money and I am a home owner. I told him I still want to work, which is the truth, I enjoy my job.He also has Seasonal Affective Disorder and doesn't like the winters where we live and we are trying to figure out where to live with kids in grade school. I believe in marriage. I do not live with my boyfriend. My kids dad is not involved with them at all. I do not even receive child support. I do it all. I recently told my boyfriend that if we do not get engaged soon, I will get frustrated and will break up again and for good. He says he really loves me and doesn't want to go thru that again. But he says he doesn't know how to mesh our two lives. He doesn't have kids or dogs. He refers to my life as a circus and he doesn't know how to mesh the two. He is also dealing with a career change and thinks he will be losing his job soon. He is far from poor.We get along great. When he is at my house everything is great. Sex is great. We never argue. I think our marriage would be great. When we are broke up we are both miserable. I am thinking of doing couple's counseling. He admits the counseling may be more for him than me. Question is - How long do you give someone in order for them to get over their fears? I love him and want a life partner, but that includes living a life together.
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female
reader, red4youmyluv +, writes (9 August 2009):
red4youmyluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I just told him that I can't keep waiting because he told me he is planning to travel this winter due to his S.A.D. disorder. I am so angry, he made all these promises and is now having cold few. I haven't talked to him in a few days and refuse to settle for less than. Why do relationships have to be so difficult sometimes? I mean really, if he loves me, then why can't he committ?
A
female
reader, red4youmyluv +, writes (29 July 2009):
red4youmyluv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers! Any input is helpful but I can't look at my situation unbiased.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): That question can't be answered. It doesn't sound to me like he is fearing commitment so much or marriage with you, he is just letting his concerns take over his actions, and life is never a guarantee of anything.
I would go to the counseling sessions with him, who cares if he thinks it is mostly for him, it probably is. I think a professional could help put him on the right track to making a decision.
He has told you he wants to spend his life with you so that is the first hurdle. Now all you need to do is figure out how to mesh your lives and make it work, set a date and go through the wedding.
I think all of these issues are valid for him and it is smart to make sure rather than second guess yourselves.
As far as seasonal affective disorder, that seems like a poor reason to winter somewhere else. All he needs to do is to get a certain amount of sunlight everyday, even if it is a tanning bed, and take some antidepressants possibly. But that is my take on that...I am no expert.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (28 July 2009):
 And the answer is - For as long as you can put up with it. Some people would say 5 years some 3 some 10, whatever. If you think its gone on long enough ,give him an ultimatum, but you have to be able to carry it through and call his bluff if he says ok its over. If you cant take the risk just carry on being together as you are. My friends guy is 40 and only moved in with her in the last 12 months. He'd never lived with anyone before and they just got married a few weeks ago, so it does happen. Sometimes a guy has to think he's lost something before he realises. If you nag him into it he'll resent you for it,go through with it but you'll both never be really happy.
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