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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Usually how long parents have to feel responisible for their grown up kids life?I started to feel that it will never end, and I love them but I feel I can never have my life back!I know some people want to do this forever, but am I wrong if I want to stop now?What do you think? Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tigerlily  + ♥, writes (21 June 2009):
Seems like we need a bit more information before we can weigh in. How old is your kid? Is it one kid or more than one? How are they looking to you to be responsible? are we talking about cat-sitting here? Did s/he lose their job in this tough economy and move in with you? Is it more than that?
I'd say decide where your own personal boundaries are and then gently but firmly set them - then back them up. Be loving - they are your kids after all - but also be strong. Tell them exactly what you expect them to be able to do for themselves, but that you will always be there with love and support.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009): I don't know how old your children are but throughout their lives hopefully you've been raising them to confident, independent individuals so that when they've reached adulthood they've got the skills they need to make it on their own and what they didn't get they can learn on their own or ask you for advice on. Of course no matter how well you raised them they'll screw up sometimes but mistakes are part of learning and they should be allowed to experience the consequences of those mistakes, you can't go bailing them out every time. I am probably more hardcore about consequences my kid commits a crime, I'd let them do the time. As a human parent at least we continue to maintain a relationship with our offspring throughout our lives but there's a point when your primary role shouldn't be caretaker anymore, but more of a supportive one, like a background character. There's a point when they start a life and family of their own and you begin your new life and your no longer the center of each other's universes. Your 22 year old male son should be doing his laundry for example and I generally don't favor adult children living with their parents outside of a temp situation. If they live with you you guys will just fall into old roles of parent and child, you'll lay down rules and interfere too much and otherwise do things that aren't appropriate to do with an adult child and they'll take you for granted and expect you to give them money, wash their clothes whatever. Once they are fully on their own its much easier, then you can just say hey I am going to Austria for 2 weeks will you take care of the cats or something. I am sure you love them dearly, I mean of course you do but you would have to let go its the natural thing and if you've been showering them with years of well-meaning but not wanted advice zip it, wait till they ask for it. Please though don't be like my mom who pretty much totally shut me off, not even talking to me really. Keep in touch, don't forget birthdays, still have some fun holidays or get together, you don't want to lose the relationship altogether. I had a friend whose an adult every year he and his brother and dad spent X-mas together and it was special then one year like a day before his dad was just like sorry I am going out of town, won't be around this year, that really hurt, you still need to be a good friend treat them with respect, its not that his dad decided to do something else but he didn't give my friend enough notice so that he could arrange other plans! So he was alone that year.
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A
female
reader, satindesire +, writes (21 June 2009):
 How old are your kids?
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