A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was wondering some people's opinions...Well, one of my friends is extremely obsessed with the way she looks. She claims that if she were to ever let herself go after marriage and kids, then her husband would no longer find her physically attractive. She says that though looks aren't the only important thing about a relationship, they are very very important.I, on the other hand, believe that if I were to let myself go after childbirth, etc., I should hope my husband would still find me physically attractive. Because personally, I think that being married to someone who would hate you just because you gained a little weight is stupid. I think that it's way way way more important to have personality than good looks.So what do you guys think? Are looks really that important? Or is she getting mixed up between infatuation, mistaking it for love? Maybe at first, you're attracted to someone because they are good-looking, but isn't there something more there too? Like, do we as humans find ourselves first attracted based on looks or personality?Just a random question from a young teenager... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust so you guys know...
I have no intention of letting myself go. I understand that obviously you need to take care of yourself (eating healthy, exercising). Most of you seem to be under the impression that I plan to gain a bunch of weight because I'm lazy. I do not. I am merely stating that it could happen.
My opinion is just that if (IF) I were to gain a bunch of weight, I sure hope that my husband wouldn't dump me.
That's all. Don't make assumptions.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Think of looks as if it was careers and money for a second:
Let's say your spouse doesn't have what it takes in life (talent, inheritance, past, opportunities, etc) to get himself flithy rich. Suppose he can't even earn as much as you probably will. You can probably accept this about him if you love him, right?
But what if he wasn't advancing in his career for a while despite efforts, and then he decided he wasn't even gonna bother to work at all anymore? This would probably bother you a lot.
It's not the small difference in money between him working or not working, it's the measure of respect that he's showing you (and himself) by continuing to put out the effort.
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A
male
reader, nicky79 +, writes (25 June 2008):
 I'll be honest with you, looks are the first thing a guy notices about a girl most of the time, but it's certainly not the last. As long as you're happy and full of life, as long as you're fun to talk to, it doesn't matter what you look like. I've dated plenty girls who I wouldn't catagorize as "pretty," but that didn't change my opinion of them.
Actually, I personally find people who constantly worry about their looks unatractive.
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A
female
reader, Isabella1974  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 Hi
I think Finn McCool is spot on, i totally agree in what he has said.
Natually your body does change when you have kids etc, but i dont believe a person should let themselves go just because they are married. I have seen women who have had 2 or three children, while yes there bodies change, they still keep themselves well and go for walks alot with their kids and get back their figures. So there really is no excuse.
I think it is important for not just your partner but for you also, to look well and feel good about yourself.
Eating well and proper exercise should prevent anyone from letting themselves go
take care
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A
female
reader, goodiea  +, writes (25 June 2008):
looks are everything to some people but looks are not what counts. its whats on the inside that counts, you could be the ugliest person ever but that doesnt mean that your not a nice person and as many say looks can be deceiving and you should never judge a book by its cover...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Looks aren't everything, especially after you've had children.
Putting on a couple of kilos is nothing, putting on 30 is though.
You both change as you get older, love and mutual respect is what keeps you together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): So why even consider letting yourself go? That, to me, sounds like plain laziness and is insulting to your other half.
Looks are definitely as important as personality and if people start being scruffy slobs just 'cos they've got their man/ woman, or they're too lazy to tone up after childbirth, then that just shows distain for their partner.
Most normal men love a woman who makes an effort - she doesn't have to be beautiful or anything, just that attention to detail which makes her more attractive than she otherwise might be.
Don't confuse this with getting old or infirm or wrinkly. Anyone, any age can and should make a little effort, if not for their partner then for their own self-respect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): well sometimes looks are important, no matter what u cant control yourself to look on the mirrow n have some thoughts about your look, but when i comes to a guy and marrige things change, once you spent alot of time with that person sometime wether you look good or not wont matter, just choose someone who likes you for your personality who would stay with you even if u looked like an old lady
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A
male
reader, Bolo +, writes (25 June 2008):
Looks do matter for a girl. I remember having the belief that 'I'm a nice guy and I should get all the girls because of that'. I truly believed it too. But, for the most part, its not what girls want. Its not what turns them on and they don't want everything up front. Secretly, they want to work for it.
The point is, because you feel that someone should take you for your personality doesn't mean it will happen. Guys and girls are wired in certain ways and they don't seem to change over time or even by sleight variation in our human code.
Personality has little to do with it. But it still counts. When your married you want to stay attractive for your spouse unless you both don't care. If you two can agree on being fat together than enjoy it! Your married, who cares what other people think :).
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male
reader, Chumley2222 +, writes (25 June 2008):
 This is awesome! I just posted a question that kind of parallels your own a few nights ago. The answers I got were very encouraging, and I hope I can make you feel better like I did.
First off, there is no black or white answer anyone can give you. Yes, looks play a role in relationships, that much is obvious. But marriage is a different story, because you take vows declaring that your love isn't merely about the physical, but about the entire package. If your friend is honestly worried that if she 'lets herself go' her husband will no longer love her, then there are more issues going on in her relationship then you realize.
I hope that the woman I marry will accept me for who I am and WHO I WILL BE. That's what marriage is about. Maybe she's not getting infatuation mixed up with love, and who knows, she might just honestly be getting the wrong idea about her hubby. This is definitely something that you may not be able to talk to her about, because a lot of what may be going on can only be figured out within their own relationship.
But, if you are really concerned, ask her how she'd feel if HE gained weight and was no long as physically attractive. Would she just bail on him? Would she abandon the marriage for a few pounds? I think you'll find the results interesting and you may be able to help your friend with her relationship..but make sure you're not crossing a line she may have set, as you don't want her frustrations coming back onto you!
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A
female
reader, interlud3 +, writes (25 June 2008):
Alright -
What do I think? I think it should be alright - you can let yourself go and get a little heavier if you want to. However, keep in mind that you need to keep physically fit and maintain good health so that you don't end up cutting your life short by eating foods that lack nutrition. And I don't think that older people should really be concerned with their weight if they are married already in a serious and committed relationship, also especially for child bearing. I think it should be fine as long as you keep healthy and somehow also put in time to get some physical exercise.
And as long you are happy - what else could be better eh?
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