A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyf for 3yrs, and living with him for 6mths, prior to moving in, Id only ever lived with my parents and could barely boil an egg.. It was obvious to me that my man wanted me to learn to cook, not just to please him, but for myself and if I have any children in future.. We moved in together, and I started learning basics, chicken, rice, vegetables and pastas and managed to rustle up a few alright dishes.. Even he liked them.. But now he's expecting me to do ALL the cooking,. Im still no masterchef and he's actually quite a good cook himself.. But he rarely cooks.. I do practically all the housework, i chauffeur him about cos he cant drive and I try to make up for the fact that Im probably never going to b a goddess in the kitchen.. Ive recently found out Im pregnant and in a nutshell, he thinks Im goin to b a rubbish mum because he thinks im not domesticated enough... He doesnt appreciate the efforts I put in and feel like we're not married so why do I have to do ALL domestic duties while he plays his computer games whilst having a beer, that I probably bought anyway!! Any opinions pls
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): I like everyone's advice. However; I know exactly how this is going to turn out. Don't forget, I did mention that OP can always pack her things and go home to mother; where mum will do most of the cooking and cleaning.
It's kind of hard to sit around in a messy house with a pile of laundry waiting for someone else to come home and do it; while you're sitting right there.
Even if you're still contributing to the household income; I can't sit and look at a mess all day. When I had a mate, I'd do the dishes or stick them in the dishwasher. I separated my clothes from my partner's, we did our own laundry. There are two people living together. How messy does it get? How hard is dropping someone off? The car does all the work.
If you think in reality you'll sit around splitting everything exactly down the middle; you'll soon learn better.
I lived with my domestic partner for 28 years, we realized there was never going to be a totally equal balance of household responsibilities. We learned what is done is for the benefit of everyone. Bickering is petty and counter-productive. Keep up the complaints. You'll create a rift that will only widen and may never close.
No you're not a wife; but you are a housemate. The only difference is paper. You sleep together, share living space, share expenses, and now you're pregnant. Wives do all that.
Reality will put everything in proper perspective. Energy wasted on bitching could be used to fold a load of laundry, and prep dinner for him to cook when he gets home. You can fold your arms and stop anytime you like.
If you think fighting gets things done? You'll get to see how quickly you'll bring your relationship to an end.
You'll end up doing it all by yourself if you raise the child alone. I don't for one minute believe he's forcing you to do it all alone. Not one minute. I know better.
Your post wasn't written by a woman that submissive.
You don't want to do it at all! The hormones are talking.
I can tell you're a lady who knows how to get things done.
Hire a housekeeper and cook. Problem solved.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 December 2013):
 How hard does he try to be a good boyfriend? He sounds like he's going to be a rubbish dad.
If I were you I would sit him down and explain what you need from him. I doubt you'll be able to manage this without help as you basically are in your early 30s and have only ever lived with your parents and now him.
If you are the one bringing in income, cooking, cleaning and driving then what does he do, exactly? Besides drinking beer and playing computer games and feeding your insecurities?
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 December 2013):
 LOL @ YouWish :)
My brother cooked too, not just me. My brother and I also had the same chores. Taking out trash, taking the recycling out, doing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning our own rooms AND the bathroom. My Dad can cook, master-chef level. Dishes that takes hours to prepare, hours to cook, but he didn't cook very often.
My SIL can't cook, she never LIKED to cook, so even if my brother brings home 3 times the wages of my SIL, he STILL cooks. It's not JUST about who brings home the bacon. IT's about DIVIDING and SHARING the chores in a way that makes sense to the people INVOLVED. THE OP's BF KNOWS how to cook, so I can't see ANY REASON why he can't cook 1/2 the week or week-ends, if he works late.
It doesn't mean that the one who is home MORE should do the cooking and household chores. IT WOULD make sense, if the partner gets home LATE that whomever is home/home first starts dinner. But I REALLY disagree with WiseOwlE (not that THAT happens often lol)on the division of chores. Plus if she lives in England she most likely will be getting PAID maternity leave, so she will STILL be contributing to the financial side of the household.
Talk to him and explain you have no intentions of being June Cleaver. (in case you don't know who that is, she was the PERFECT archetypal suburban housewife in the 1950's American television sitcom Leave It to Beaver.)
Last but not least, it doesn't matter if you are married or not - you need to find a balance in the household to make it work effortless. Having been married for almost 17 years, I can tell you it takes years and you have to be able to adjust, compromise and SHARE.
For instance, my husband is MUCH better at shopping then me, he takes the time to compare prices, look for deals even use coupons. And I am by FAR better at cooking and money matters. Now laundry, any idiot can do that. So in this house hold we all (even the kids) help out with laundry. I absolutely HATE doing dishes (we are in a rental at the moment with no dishwasher gah!) so hubby and the two oldest do the dishes. WORKS for us. I DO the majority of the cleaning, mainly because I like it done a certain way and I'm 10 times faster. But that doesn't mean my husband can't pick up the vacuum and clean the floors.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (11 December 2013):
 OMG, is he serious??? You are *not* his wife. You are his ROOMMATE. Who is working?? Are you both working, given that you mentioned that you "probably bought the beer"? That means you're contributing financially into the place? You're paying bills too?
He is a major idiot. The chores and the cooking aren't all on you to do. That's not your gender role. You should learn to cook basic things because doing takeout constantly is hard on the wallet.
You having kids doesn't mean that you do everything either! You split the chores, and there are more chores than housework. If he's so hot on you learning how to cook, he needs to learn how to DRIVE, because if we're doing gender things, he needs to maintain that vehicle and keep it in repair. He needs to learn to fix things, grill, do all the heavy lifting and make 100% of the money. By the way, driving him places is a CHORE, and it counts.
Gender roles are gone. It's teamwork, meaning he does laundry, cooks, cleans, and should be proficient at everything you are, and tag teams with those kids, changing diapers and getting up in the middle of the night just like you.
Seriously, you are not married to him. He doesn't get to demand domestic bliss from someone who is not his wife. He needs to be a good boyfriend and not a male chauvinist. I have a good friend who is in real estate who can't cook, hates it, and actually set her kitchen on fire making chicken breasts. Her husband, however, is absolutely fantastic at it. However, he hates doing laundry, and she finds it relaxing. So she does that. They both clean on cleaning day until it's done, and they both know how to pick up after themselves during the week.
Don't get me wrong - it's good that you learn, and you should! But do it for you, and stand up for yourself. If he breaks up with you for that, then you dodged one huge prison of a life.
I like Honeypie's answer about dividing work, and sometimes I wonder if she's the cousin I never knew I had, because I had the exact same cooking training growing up. My mom was a huge gender role believer, and had me cooking too. I agree, people still learn! I found out that the greatest ego boost is to hear "That's better than my mom's!"...and his mom is a fantastic cook!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): I try to keep things balanced when I respond to posts. There is often a tendency to make men out to be heartless villains.So it's a good idea to see both sides before concluding he is being totally unfair to you.You both should be adequate at housekeeping and cooking.You should both be cleaning, doing laundry, and general housekeeping as you go about your daily routines. Home upkeep is done around the clock. If the house gets messy, it's because it isn't. You're used to mummy being your maid.You're a bit spoiled too. Don't fault him for that.Often one must compensate for the other, or assume more responsibility for certain household tasks; because of work schedules. You know you're not proficient at cooking, and will be responsible for the nutrition of your child. With or without a partner.You lived with your parents, so who did the most cooking and cleaning? Primarily your mum. It didn't bother you that she may have assumed the primary responsibility of caring for you and your father. She would laugh at your post, and shake her head in disbelief.It's usually decided out of consideration of who'll be at home,and who works away from home. Obviously, the one spending the most time at home, would assume most of the cooking and housekeeping. I'm not saying household chores should not be shared. I'm talking about what necessity dictates.You're going to have to sit down and work it out together.You should take some cooking classes; and watch old Julia Child re-runs, and the cooking channels on TV. I watch them when I have the time; and I enjoy them. I have become a pretty good cook since my partner passed away. He did most of the cooking. He also went to culinary school; which gave him an advantage. I am finally up to par. He was a lawyer by profession; but a wonderful chef. I have to eat; therefore, I was forced to learn to cook. I like nutritious food, and demand a wide variety of recipes. So I had to learn. I no longer pay a housekeeper. I'm more that adequate at cleaning and decorating. I also watch Martha Stewart, and have become the envy of my female friends. Because necessity forced me to do what was necessary to have a lovely home and comfort. For me and my guests. It takes practice and a positive attitude.It's fun, takes away a lot of the fear of failure in the kitchen, and you'll gain more confidence. The lack of confidence makes you weary of dealing with cooking. It's a chore when you hardly know what you're doing. You're used to someone else cleaning up after YOU! Now, like a rotten teenager, you're fussy because you may have to do a little more domestic chores.As for him playing computer games and all that. I'm sure you're upset and exaggerating to make a point here. You're not going to quietly standby, and watch this happen without giving him a piece of your mind. I'm sure he does not get away with that too often.Bills will have to be paid while you're out on maternity leave. He may have to assume the role of primary bread-winner, when it comes time to tend to your newborn. The financial pressures will shift to him. Then he'll start complaining.That will all fall on him. He'll have to put in extra hours to compensate for your lost contribution to the household budget. There will be a third party who will have many needs. A lot of your frustration and anger at this point is associated with hormones. You also feel backed into a corner, with motherhood now staring you in the face.You'll appreciate you dear mother all the more.Overwhelmed, is an understatement for your present state of mind. My heart goes out to you. I fully get it!If he is such a monster, you can pack your things and move back home with your parents. That isn't a chosen option.You wrote because you're at your wits end, and need some support. Don't forget to call your mum! You need her.Just a sit-down and have a good talk. That will iron everything out. Don't forget the cooking lessons. Have some herbal tea, dear lady. You're totally pissed off. Your post nearly popped out of my computer screen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): Erm.. Where the hell dose he get off!?! Your doing the best you can and to be honest the fact you are willing to learn says alot about you as a person. Also just because you are not a strong cook dose not in ANYWAY mean you are going to be a rubbish mother! Yes, you should learn as you are going to have a child but he should do his fair share... It's 2013 not 1913. You don't have to do it all. A relationship should 50/50. You do all the house work so can't you share the cooking responsibility.I can cook quite well and enjoy it. I don't work, have 2 year old and I'm 37 weeks pregnant. My partner works full time and has weekends off and on those weekends he will cook.. Given I do have to ask but when I do, he dose no questions asked. I'm not very domestic.. I don't wash clothes everyday.. The washing up from the night therefore may be left until morning even. And so what? I'm the one that dose it will not be dictated on when to do it. He wants it done then and there... Tell him to do it his self. I think you need to have a proper convocation with him. Your going to be so tired by the end of the pregnancy and then after the birth more so. Dose he expect you too do everything then as well? If he dose then to be honest he is just not worth it. I don't expect you to agree with everything I have said but do not let him put 'door mat' on you fore head.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 December 2013):
I think you should sit him down and make a chore list. Then split it in two, same with the week days. One week you cook 4 days and he cook 3, next week -HE cooks 4 and you cook 3.
Being a good mom doesn't mean you have to be a domestic diva. It' not even realistic that within 6 months you are a wiz in the kitchen.
I started helping my mom out in the kitchen when I was 5-6 years old, by the time I was 12 I cooked dinner once a week (my mom worked late one day a week, and that same day my dad gave diving instructions so neither were home before 18.30 (6.30 pm)) But the time I moved out I knew how to cook (we are not talking cordon bleu here, but basic dinners). And now 25+ years later I AM still learning! I would say I'm pretty good cook and can easily make up a dinner without recipes, but that takes YEARS and a lot of practice to get to that.
I'm not sure if they have slowcookers/crock pots in the UK, but there are MANY great (and easy recipes out there for those). So keep learning.
IT ISN'T fair that because you have ovaries, YOU should do all the domestic work. That is pure BS, maybe he grew up with a mom who didn't make him do chores, but YOU ARE NOT his mom.
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reader, kayleelouxox +, writes (11 December 2013):
your doing your best to learn right? its not easy to be in contol, i should know i am one of the dumbest blondes you will meet ive blew up microwaves the lot. be happy and try and talk to him, your doing your best that should be good enough. your a strong women stand up for yourself and try your hardest to remeber why your with him because you do love him right? concentrate on your baby thats important and try and stick it out, try talking to him, but remain positive keep your head up.
Girl power
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): Learning to cook and do the house chores is vital for both of you so that you can maintain the household.
how much work each of you do should be connected with how much paid work you do. If you work full time while he sits on his arse all day, then he should do the housework. If you both work, then it should be fifty fifty.
You should probably stop the habit of doing everything now so that he learns to do it because when you have a baby, you will barely have enough time or energy to do all you're doing. Start giving him back the reigns NOW otherwise you will all struggle when baby comes.
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