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How does one get over a past abusive relatonship?

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Question - (31 August 2011) 6 Answers - (Newest, 3 September 2011)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have a question that is been bothering me lately and would love to get opinions on it. I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship about a year and a half ago.(To make the story short I was never good enough) even though people say i should model and I have no problems getting dates. The man I thought i loved for five years destroyed my confidence. I finally got the courage to stand up and not take it anymore after an older man who was a colleague of mine in school(graduate) finally made me realize unintentionally what I was worth. Either way its been Two years though since I have not had sex, is this okay? I certainly would have no problem getting dates since people always compiment me on my appearance but I have not gone on one single date. I feel so scared and so vunrable. I always feel like I want approval and my friends are like just get over it, but I cant seem too?

I have only been with him sexually and I just cant picture random hookups becauase I yearn for love, its crazy but even though people tell me im beautiful, i almost want to hear it all the time , cause i nnever feel it? is this normal? For example I want someone so badly to see the real me not just my pretty made up face and to tell me "hey its okay" your good enough.. is this normal? how does one get over this. Its like im waitting for a man to save me a prince charming, but the hurt is still there and i feel like im daydreaming my life away because its been almost two years no sex, no dates, just daydreams.. I feel like such a loser and the only two guys that I have liked were taken( i like tall and geeky men) but it always seems to be a bad timing.

How does one get over the pain? is there a timeline?

it crazy its been two years but in my memory its fresh, and now more than ever I just want to escape this loneliness and this emptyness. Although people say your beautiful, talented smart. all I see is this "okay girl" that cant due anything. Its like Im dying for approval. and someone to be like "its okay you dont have to be a barbie doll for me" mY EX WOULD SPIT AT ME, CALL ME FAT, and even though there were good moments he even admitted he took me for granted. I have so many questions but I guess the main one is is it normal to not have dated for two years or had sex, i just feel so lost, and still do...

View related questions: confidence, emotionally abusive, my ex, older man

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thank you so much to thisonestaken response that is exactly how I feel!! i really do thank you and I hope it gets bettr

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A female reader, thisonestaken Canada +, writes (1 September 2011):

this is coming from someone whos been abused in every way imaginable. its a tough road. somewhere along the line whether from childhood or relationships i developed an "im not worthy" attitude. my first realization toward recovery was "it took years to get this way/feel this way about myself, so i cant expect to feel differently overnight" ie; it may take years to undo, but thats ok as long as i keep trying. the second thing i realized was "im still here, not because someone came along and TOLD me i was worthy of being here, but because a part of ME believes it" i have just as much right to be here, to feel beautiful and to live a good life, as anyone else. countless times ive asked myself, why me? why cant i have a good man? etc. ive learned quite a bit, and its exciting because im getting stronger/healthier. there is a story about apples on trees....some men only grab the apples closest to the bottom cause theyre easier to get, they wont reach high for the shiniest most beautiful apple near the top because theyre afraid to fall and get hurt. ive researched abuse and its elements countless times to help me understand, and ive come to realize that im not angry anymore, nor do i feel unworthy, i feel "sorry" for those that are not capable/unhealthy of having a relationship that is free of control, because they are missing out on some beautiful things in life. anyone that has to control another is a sad insecure person, that only does this to feel better about himself. you have to believe you are beautiful, keep telling yourself that, keep practicing positive self talk, dont worry about the time it takes. write down everything thats good about you, take stock of your life, focus on the good things, etc. the more you do this, the better you will become at it, and the better you will feel....

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A female reader, muso888 United Kingdom +, writes (31 August 2011):

I suggest asking your doctor to recommend you a good councillor. I think having an outside person to help you through a clearly difficult problem will help you enormously! If its really been 2 years you need to find a professional who can help give you your life back after this awful man has taken it away. Good luck!

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (31 August 2011):

eyeswideopen agony aunt"Normal" is a relatively vast territory. Of course you are normal, you are just suffering from low self-esteem. Google it, there are all kinds of books and websites dealing with building self-esteem. One of the techniques will certainly work for you. If you can afford it, seek a professional therapist, they can work wonders. Once you get yourself back on track you won't feel so vunerable and you will trade the world of daydreams for the real thing.

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A male reader, pagan1 United States +, writes (31 August 2011):

This is the reason: "crazy its been two years but in my memory its fresh, and now more than ever I just want to escape this loneliness and this emptyness."

I think you need to stop looking at yourself in the mirror your becoming self obsorbed. put yourself on the back burner, see other people, have sex and fun, then you will say "who" sorry I dont know him.

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A male reader, aebniala Canada +, writes (31 August 2011):

Well dreaming is good, imagine a new relationship in one day, one week one month right around the corner and that this new relationship will fade and eventually erase the old one, to the point you will change your state on mind, learn from your mistake and act on your wishes and not do the same mistakes. There are all type of guys and girls out there. Some like them bony, i personnally like a little meat on the rib, others like a lots more. Get out of your appartement, show your best you, and live, discover. You got to start from somewere.

Trash anything that as bad memory related to it.

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