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How do I break it off with this married man?

Tagged as: Cheating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 August 2011) 13 Answers - (Newest, 5 September 2011)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

How in the world do I break it off with the married guy im sleeping with? im tired of him texting only for sex. He doesn't have a real conversation with me anymore. The sex is so wonderful with him but I can't take not being respected anymore. He was my first and true love since I was 16. Should I be a total bitch about it or be nice and explain why im ending it. I really want him to feel bad about what he is doing to me and his wife. How is a good way to do it?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I ended the relationship 3 days ago and haven't heard from him since. I texted him it was over between us, don't contact me, you are not my friend. and I will not be there for you anymore after waiting over 16 years for you. .

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

There is no children involved in this situation. Him and his wife have no children. Yes it has been going on and off since I was 16. Except for 8 years (2002-2010) when I was was married, had a wonderful child and a nightmare of a di orce which my ex-husband cheated on me, abused me and my child. my ex left me with nothing and is trying to take custody of our child. I do feel bad about the whole thing cuz I been thro it. He has been thro it before married his current wife so i thought he understood what i was going thro. He said he doesn't love his wife and wishes she would have an affair and leave. I was just stupid enough to believe him ans believe we were mentioned for each other.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

your hb cheated on you and you u are cheating with a married man? u yourself experienced pain and suffering, why do u want to inflict the same to his wife.

your MM has the best of both worlds. and sadly u have allowed it. of course he only texts u for sex. what else do u expec from him? a proper relationship? never gonna happen!

u owe it to yourself and your kid to get a proper life and not wait around for scraps.

LoveGirl

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

I'm married so as the 1st Lady of my household. It is heartbreaking to know that your husband is going outside of the marriage for someone else.

Lesson 1 Never think that you are the only "other woman" that he has, "there's been 100s and you won't be the last"

2 I get it, you are in love with him. Get you another man on the side w/ better sex than his and he will become 2nd to you. Soon you will think of him on holidays only,

3 Married or not, if you want to be with someone, that you will commit adultry, Look in the mirror and say I love me, I love me.

4 Stop answering his calls on the 1st ring, no more immediate attention to him, sex w/ him should be limited to 1x a month, when you are together talking act like you are not listening.

Overtime, the relationship will end peacefully.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

There is no children involved in this situation. Him and his wife have no children. Yes it has been going on and off since I was 16. Except for 8 years (2002-2010) when I was was married, had a wonderful child and a nightmare of a di orce which my ex-husband cheated on me, abused me and my child. my ex left me with nothing and is trying to take custody of our child. I do feel bad about the whole thing cuz I been thro it. He has been thro it before married his current wife so i thought he understood what i was going thro. He said he doesn't love his wife and wishes she would have an affair and leave. I was just stupid enough to believe him ans believe we were mentioned for eachother.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

'You dont need to be a bitch, you dont need to be nice either - just be honest. There is no point in trying to make him feel bad, this man is a cheater and a liar, chances are he hasnt got any morals so telling him what a bad guy he is wont make any difference, it will just wash over him.' EXACTLY.

Being a bitch is tacky and it will be lost on him anyway. He'll write you off as a bitch or assume he's so irresistable and you're just angry that you can't have him to yourself. He might try to sweet talk you into giving in and giving him what he wants, but that's the most you'll get. In the end, you don't rate with him.

I suggest you send a brief, but honest email and then block him. Nothing he says will change anything.

And in case you're thinking it, don't bother telling his wife. Just move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

Just tell him that sex is not enough for you and you would rather meet someone who is available for a proper relationship, therefore it is time to say goodbye.

I wish you the best for the future in finding someone who is free to commit. Don't settle for anything less.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (31 August 2011):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntIf it's any consolation... there is NO "good way" to break off with a lying, cheating dog.... You simply depart from where he is... don't communicate with him again.... and get on with your life....

P.S. Has this REALLY been going on for about 19 years (35-16 = 19)?????

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (31 August 2011):

k_c100 agony auntYou dont need to be a bitch, you dont need to be nice either - just be honest. There is no point in trying to make him feel bad, this man is a cheater and a liar, chances are he hasnt got any morals so telling him what a bad guy he is wont make any difference, it will just wash over him.

If I were you I would call him up (or text if you prefer) and explain that you do not want to be used for sex anymore and you are not going to participate in this affair any longer because you dont want to be the other woman. Tell him that the affair is over and you never want to hear from him again, ask him to delete your number and for him to move on.

Be clear, concise and strong - dont say anything like "oh if only you would leave your wife for me etc" as it gives him an option to worm his way back in again, by giving you empty promises that you fall for but he has no intention of keeping. Try and keep any emotions out of it and just be very clear in what you are doing.

I hope this helps and good luck!

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A female reader, LatinaChick Colombia +, writes (31 August 2011):

LatinaChick agony auntThere is no good way to break up with someone, if there ur first aswell its harder. just get on with it tell its over and ignore his calls or whatever and after a while u'll get sick of it and forget his name and find someone who can rlly be with yu and wont be just using ya for sex n all coz ya deserve better :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

Why should he feel bad about what he's doing to YOU if he doesn't feel bad about cheating on his WIFE?? I hardly think by breaking it off with him anything you say can make him feel 'bad' if he already has no conscience about his current behaviour. You BOTH should feel bad at what you are doing to his wife - let's hope no children are involved! Would you like to be cheated on by your husband? If you'd married this guy, then obviously you would've been fine with him cheating on you too then huh? A good way to do it is to say "what we are doing is wrong - choose right now, it's your wife or me - you either leave her today or it's over, and if you can't choose for yourself then I'll ring her and let her decide."

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (31 August 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt Just do it. In a good way, in a bad way, in a so-so way... as long as you do it. What do you care about making him feel bad about his behaviour ? The important thing is that you can feel good about yours. Which surely you will as soon as you put together enough self esteem to realize you are worth much more than being somebody's little dirty secret.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011):

you don't owe him any explanation, simply say 'no' from now on whenever he texts. just keep it simple and short, don't explain anything, why would you? he doesn't deserve an explanation. Let him think whatever he wants.

he'll feel bad enough as it is. maybe not in the "I'm so sorry for having hurt you" sense, because he probably won't feel that no matter what you say. If he was capable of that level of empathy he wouldn't be doing this to you and his wife in the first place. but he'll be missing the sex and suffering sexual deprivation that way so that;s your way to get back at him. that should be incentive for you to continue staying away and not giving in anymore. (hey obviously he was getting something of value from you or he wouldn't keep contacting you for sex, so if you cut off all contact for good he'll feel some deprivation or loss of whatever it was he was getting from you that he wanted)

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