A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Lots of people say once the love has gone it can never come back. Yet so many people get back together and even remarry each other after a divorce. So people obviously can fall back in love. My question though, is how? I'm desperate for my husband to fall back in love with me and for him to come back home. He says he still loves me and cares for me but he's not in love with me. I've been told to move on plenty of times, so I don't need to hear that again please. I would just like to hear from people who have been in my situation and have managed to get their partner back. Or by anybody who might know which is the best possible way. I know begging and pleading doesn't work. Please help me. There's always a reverse to everything. If somebody can fall out of love after they were in love with you, then why not the other way around. There must be some kind of Reverse psychology right?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2012): To all, I know I have made BIG mistakes and I truly regret them. I live with the sadness and guilt everyday. I'm really not that person anymore. I was never a bad person, I was a person going through a lot and taking it out on the person I loved the most. Nothing I ever said was out of hate or spite. But that's no excuse,I know that. I should have been a bigger person and never have reacted the way I did. I'm not that person anymore though, I'm one of the few who have learnt from their mistakes. Sorry if anything I have written down gives anybody the opinion that I'm still the same. I'm just bad at writing things down the way I mean them. So they might a cross the wrong way. Thanks for all your replies. God bless :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2012): anonymous, I apologized to BachelorGreatUncle for not reading his response to me properly and getting offended by it. I didn't attack him or say anything abusive. I'm not that person anymore and no you're not on my attack list now. I do not have an attack list. Even in my 1st message to him I wrote "Sorry if I've taken this the wrong way" Then the rest of my message was me explaining my situation. How did I attack him? Then when I read his message again I did the decent thing and apologized. That's it. No bad intentions intended.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012): You apologize to BachelorGreatUncle for a bitter response. Is this the same way you verbally abused your ex? I think you need to get a grip of yourself and think before acting upon things. I dont think you will be any different in the way you are with people until you control yourself. This probably puts me on your attack list now, I dont know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): BachelorGreatUncle!!!!! SORRY I MISREAD YOUR POST BEFORE! I guess I'm just really depressed and stressed!!!! Again really sorry. Thanks for your advice. I will do that and if worse comes to worse, I will just wait. I've nothing to lose as I don't ever want anybody else anyway. I know he still cares because today the dog hit my jaw and I was in a lot of pain earlier. He's called 3 times up to now to see how I am. So there is something there. It's not like he doesn't care at all. So that something could turn to something special again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): once you treat someone shit and they drift away, as you have seen already, it is over. The good days are gone forever.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): BachelorGreatUncle Are you being serious????Because I'm not sure what you mean? Sorry if I've taken it wrong, but it came across to me as if you're being sarcastic to me. If so, I really don't need that. I've already paid the price for my sins and still am and I always will. You've no idea what I'm going through. I know I may have come a cross as a heartless cow and you probably think I deserve everything that's happening to me. But I'm not. I'm NOT EXCUSING MYSELF, but there were reasons behind my behaviour. I myself went through years of torment and abuse from his family and he did nothing because he was scared of them. In the end I lost respect for him I guess. But yes he still didn't deserve the things I said because he was treating me good. But when you're in pain, you're blinded by it :((
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A
male
reader, BachelorGreatUncle  +, writes (20 September 2012):
"How do you make someone fall back in love with you? There has to be a way!"
"There's always a reverse to everything. If somebody can fall out of love after they were in love with you, then why not the other way around. There must be some kind of Reverse psychology right?"
Exactly. Remember how you made him fall out of love with you, and do the opposite.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 September 2012):
 In light of your follow up post, I'm afraid I dont think there is much hope for you getting back together I'm afraid. Clearly he has tried many times to come back to you and make the relationship work, but he cant - he has tried his best but it just wont work for him.
Once you have been verbally (or physically) abused you cant look at that person in the same way ever again, no matter how hard you try and change that they have changed forever in your eyes. All you can see is that abusive person and you cant get past that. Even though you have shown him you have changed and are no longer that abusive person, he cant see anything else but those bad times when you were abusve. And there really is nothing you can do to change that I'm afraid, you have tried to make this work so many times in the last few years and it is clear there is nothing left to try.
I know that is not what you want to hear, but I think you and your ex husband have given everything to making this work, and yet you are still apart - there has to come a time when you call it a day and stop torturing yourself trying to get him back when I think you know deep down it is over for good.
You got your partner back twice already, yet it hasnt lasted. That should tell you everything - you have managed to get him back twice now, so you know that it comes from him and not you when deciding to give it another go. He has tried to fall back in love with you twice but he cant, you destroyed it beyond repair when you were abusive to him and he cant look at you in the same way ever again.
I know that must be really hard to take in when you have changed and you had those 3 good years together, I do feel for you - but I think you have to start accepting it is time to let go. If you cant accept it and wont let go, I think you need to get some professional help in order to get over this. It has been 5 years and you are still desperate for him to come back to you, this must be ruining your life being so depressed over this, you really should look at getting some help to help you move on otherwise your mental health will steadily decline over the years and totally mess up your life.
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female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (20 September 2012):
I dont think you can control anyones feelings of being in love. They either do or they dont.
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male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (20 September 2012):
 i am sorry to have to tell you this, but if you have been abusive, it will not matter how good or confident you look. nothing will matter, because you are just a reminder of unhappy times. i would like to mention too, females who believe all men are only visual know very little.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (20 September 2012):
If you treated someone very badly, then it will be very difficult (if not impossible) to fall back in love with the person who is the source of a bad memory. No matter what you do or dress like, it will not alter the fact that he knows you far better than how sexy you are looking or how good you are behaving on tap. You have requested no one tells you to move on, so I wont.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012): Yes, be the type of woman he loves. Men fall in love with their eyes - get into great shape, work on your skin,teeth and hair, upgrade your wardrobe. Do exciting things with your life - travel, meet friends for dinners, go to cultural events/movies/theater. Laugh lots, go to counseling and work on your inner issues - become confident and happy. He will notice the change (as will other men obviously) which will bring love back into your life. Hope this helps.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2012):
 Well if you live a life full of joy and happiness and he sees you being happy and joyful perhaps that will reignite his interest?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): I'm ashamed to say he left because when we were together I took him for granted. Whenever I was down I took my frustrations out on him and verbally abused him. It became a very bad habit and unfortunately couldn't stop myself even though I knew it was wrong. But at that moment when I was hurting, something took over me and I wasn't me anymore. Then I'd feel really guilty and would change. But the last time that happened I pushed my luck too far and he left me. That was 5 years ago. Since then he came back after a month and we were together 3 years. Everything was great. I never once treated him with disrespect. I learnt my lesson. But after 3 years he just decided he didn't want to be with me because he lost that in love feeling and was unable to touch me. So he left. Again after a year he came back saying our family was worth fighting for and he would do what it takes to fix things and get his sexual feelings back for me. But after another year he left again because he was unable to touch me. It's been a year now since he last left and we see each other almost every day. He says he loves me and will always be here for me for whatever I need but cannot be with me as husband and wife because he doesn't see me that way. But he does love me.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 September 2012):
 What were the circumstances under which you and he parted ways?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): First of all.. you can't make someone do anything or can you make someone fall back in love with you. But if that person has true love for you... you can relate the sparks of being in love. As I have always told my children, there is no guarantee in love.. it's a gamble it either is or isn't. So anyway, I have been married for 35 years and am still in love with my husband. So my suggestion to you is... stop trying to make him fall back in love with you. Start being someone he could fall in love with, not back in love but someone he could fall in love with, if you get my meaning. Change your looks some, new hair style freshen up your face and skin, start a good excerise program if you don't already. Take on new interest and hobbies. All the while act as if you have accepted his current feelings for you. Try to stay busy and when he notices the changes he may become very interested in why. Simply tell him you needed a change at this point in your life. He will be surprised and if there is still a spark left there he will become more and more interested in you. And maybe after time fall in love with you again.I don't promise this will work but you never know and if it doesn't get him to fall back in love with you then maybe someone else will. I wish you the best of luck and hope I have helped in some way. God Bless.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (19 September 2012):
I think it all depends on what kind of person your husband is, and why he has left you.
The whole 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' is nonsense, there is no difference between 'love' and 'in love' - you either love that person enough to want to be with them, or you simply have fallen out of love with them. This idea of 'love vs in love' is a modern thing that has come from nowhere, a silly made up excuse for confused people who dont really understand their own feelings. Love can fade, you can forget why you loved a person, but you cant choose to be 'in love'. You love someone or you dont, no middle ground.
Without knowing why he left you, it is hard to say how you can get him back. But here are some ways that may work:
- Act like you have moved on and are getting on with life. He will expect you to be begging and pleading, crying and pining over him and I bet deep down he will be enjoying it, knowing there is a woman who loves him so much she is desperate for him to come back. So it will be a massive shock to see you happy, confident and getting on with life. Dont date other men, that will backfire massively - but pick up some new hobbies, go out with friends lots, just keep busy and make your life look (from the outside) fun and exciting. I'm not saying this is going to work, it might backfire with him feeling glad you have moved on so he can move on himself - but it is worth a try perhaps?
- Get a makeover. This is very cliche, but sometimes works. Get down the gym or start jogging, get a new haircut, buy some new clothes, do your make up in a different style. Basically make a huge effort with your appearance and show him what he's missing. Dont make yourself look desperate by dressing provocatively or anything like that, just glamorous and classy. If you lose weight/tone up, and refresh your look it will make him sit up and notice. Whether he cares enough is another matter, but he will definitely notice.
- See if he will agree to counselling with you. Getting all of your issues out in the open with a professional who can help you rebuild your marriage is probably the best thing you can do. Whether he agrees to it is another matter, chances are he would say no. If you have not already suggested it, it might be worth a try.
I think it is key to remain dignified, calm and civil throughout this whole thing. I know that is hard when you are desperate for him to come back, but as you know the needy desperate woman is not a good look and is not going to work. If you can remain calm and civil whenever you see him or speak to him that means no matter what happens you can walk away with your head held high, that is the most important thing.
But the most important thing to realise is there is no way to 'make' him fall back in love with you. He has to decide that he wants to give things another go, and that all depends on whatever is going on in his head. You could turn yourself into the most beautiful, kind and caring woman in the world and he still might not want to be in a relationship at the moment. If he wants some time alone he will take some time alone, regardless of what you do to convince him otherwise.
He has to choose you, you cant push him into this. I know other people manage it, and I managed to get my ex back once (a few years ago) but it is all down to the person that left, not the person that wants them back. They have to come to that decision on their own, when they realise how much they miss you, or how they cant live without you, or how they wont find another woman like you...etc.
I am being honest, I know this isnt what you want to hear, but all you can really do is get on with life and see what happens. Make the best of the situation, work in improving yourself and learn to be happy alone again. I know that isnt what you want, but confidence comes from being happy with yourself and your life, so if you can get your life back on track as a single woman he might see how attractive you are as a single woman (like the single woman he will have first met) with all your new found confidence. Equally, he might not see it and might not come back - but at least you will have started to re-build your life and started to learn how to be alone again.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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