A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a situation where I'm trying to make friends but failing. My old friends don't have children so I think that is part of the issue. I also live with my parents and they don't like to have people over and when they do, they make rules as if I were a teenager. I'm waiting until I save money to move away and I moved in because I had no where to go after leaving my ex. My issue was that I was poor, couldn't afford to pay for the dinners/movies and he knew that (he also knew I had a kid and that I couldn't go out often and had to pay a sitter etc.) We saw each other about once a month and I honestly thought we were talking as friends and that he was paying to be nice, especiallysince I always told him I couldn't pay for anything "nice" and he said he had it. that he wanted to pay. I never made a move on him and he never made a move on me until he told me toward the end that he liked me. uh-oh. I didn't lie and say I had a boyfriend though, I just said that I wanted to keep being friends. That's when he brought up all he did for me (even though I TOLD him he didn't have to and that there was no way for me to get him back. How exactly does one keep someone in the friend zone if you don't have the money to get them back but you'd still like to socialize? I'm sick of being that "bitch" who leads guys on when I don't mean to! I rarely wear makeup, I generally just wear jeans and sweaters and I'm content doing free things like going to the art museum, seeing a %5 movie and sitting in a low-cost restaurant or hanging out at the library. I've tried approaching women to hang out, but they always turn me down and act REALLY uncomfortable or rude around me after I try to make friends with them (I'm talking abotu women I've worked with, gone to school or classes with etc). I've tried asking other mothers I see when we take our kids out and get the same result Any ideas?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2014): Find an online support group for Mums - this should be your very first 'port of call'. Don't over-think any other strategy, just make sure you do this first of all - I was in a very similar situation to you years ago when internet didn't even exist and, 20 or so years later, met a woman, a single parent, who had actually lived about a mile from me and said she would have completely and utterly understood my situation and offered help and support but back then there was no network, no way to easily offer and receive support. So don't underestimate how valuable a resource the internet can be.The other major issue for you is money. You are right to save as much as you possibly can to get your own place. But if you find the right support group this may possibly open up other avenues - some single Mums want to share housing and share babysitting, for example, or they may be willing to try to set up a situation like this with you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2014): Your trouble is, people sense your desperation. You've subconsciously become cynical and annoyed with people. You're also frustrated with your own personal situation. Reaching out to people is not for friendship, is a cry for help. That's what makes them uncomfortable.
You need to get your personal life in order; that way you'll take a load off your mind. Your sad and unlucky situation weighs heavily on your heart and soul. It also reflects on your face and in your attitude.
It dims your personality. Thereby distorting all the signals you're projecting, and you're sending out a bad vibe.
All anybody picks up around you is, you're feeling totally defeated at all angles. You probably dump all your problems on anyone who listens. Bad move in making friends. Nobody wants to attend your pity parties.
You never treat yourself. You only wear sweaters and jeans?
Well thrift-stores and consignment shops sell nice things at a bargain. A small item of luxury, like a pretty scarf or nice belt, will perk up your outfits. A nicely fitting blouse will accentuate your face and figure.
Giving yourself an ego-boost brightens your dull face, and adding a little color to your presence picks up your lackluster mood.
Sometimes your kid has to be your center of attention and source of unconditional love. I know, your life revolves around your child, he or she is all you live for. I mean,
you're thinking in terms of a replacement for the void a man left in your life. Not realizing you need to become your own best friend first.
Go online and find a women's support group. For battered and abused women, or single-moms. Look-up local women's organizations run by strong women who mentor other women. They teach women how to budget, offer financial planning;
and give educational, or career-guidance. At no cost! They make referrals of all sorts. They help you find resources for you and your kid. There is the potential to make many good friends. People who'll make a positive influence on your life.
Please don't approach these organizations assuming they're a bunch of man-hating lesbians. They are women just helping other women. Regardless of sexual orientation, or religious beliefs; and are available to sponsor or help women of all walks of life.
They help you to rediscover yourself. Learn your potential. Build your self-confidence. Help you find decent employment.
You form networks and find ladies who are going through exactly the same experiences being single-moms.
Consider where you are, your docking port for repairs. Do tiny things to please yourself and celebrate all small accomplishments with your kid. You can't let depression over failed relationships make you feel lost.
Appreciate every small accomplishment, because you're doing it alone. Find organizations that offer guidance and teach you how to help yourself. Sometimes grasping for straws you'll come up empty. Reach for something tangible and specialized, and you get better results.
Get a part-time job that gives you a little pleasure. You can earn money, and enjoy a few perks at the same time.
Let friends happen, it sometimes doesn't work when you try too hard.
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