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How do you let gay men know which role you from the get-go?

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Question - (31 May 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 12 June 2017)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

What do you do if you get the impression that other gay men think you're a top when you're not? I guess it's my appearance but that's kinda unfair. Has anybody ever experienced this? How can I fix this?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntyou communicate?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 May 2017):

How do you stop people from judging you before they have been fully-introduced or even know you? Who really knows?

Sorry, I'm gonna get a little preachy! It's your fault, you started it!

You can introduce yourself, get to know each other; then you might discuss your likes and dislikes; and/or preferred positions. You can wear a tee-shirt with a bright logo, or a cap declaring your sexual-role for all to see. That's how many do it. That's TMI when you don't know the guy's name or he hasn't voluntarily told you if he's a top or bottom! Feeling shivers to think gays do that! The nerve!!! Some wear seat-less chaps or jocks; if you prefer extremes who like flaunting the fact!

How on earth do you navigate through the quagmire of labels and homo-stereotypes gays project onto one another? There's no way without talking to each other. People immediately assume a guy who is delicate/effeminate, speaks with a lisp, or is sharply well-groomed; most certainly must be gay. You won't know until you get to know him, and ask. If you're the type of gay man always categorizing people on-sight; you're usually wrong, or someone you'd least like to know.

Bears, twinks, fats, fems, chubby-chasers, butch-queens; you're this, or you're that. You'll get dizzy trying to figure-out which category of gay-invented homo-stereotype you fit into.

Why should you really care what they think until you have the opportunity to tell them? You don't have to carry a sign or a flag, people may get it wrong until you confess.

It's pretty forward to walk-up to a stranger and just ask or assume anything. You might get slapped; or stalked for the rest of the night at a bar. Or bashed, in a back-alley, in the dark!

Being bearded and hairy, muscular, husky, and macho doesn't mean you don't prefer to be submissive. Most experienced gay men know this. I don't know of whom you are referring? Maybe a few who just notice your masculine-features and think it's a compliment; or a good come-on line to flatter your ego.

Some fit several categories, and some are completely undetectable to "gay-dar!" That's my boyfriend and me. It's not a compliment when you're told by gay, or straight-people, that "they can't tell!" Like you're hiding the fact or ashamed to be out. If you're in the closet; it's comforting or keeps your homophobic friends and family content.

Your worth in the gay-culture is measured by your looks, physique, and "appearance of straightness." Macho-can-pass-for-straight being the preferred, over the fems and nellies. So much so; it is blatantly stated on regular gay-dating and hook-up sites! Let's presume you are on one of the popular sites; and the guys all tell you they can't believe you're a bottom. Why do you feel compelled to deal with guys who judge you in one-look, and don't even know your name?

Sexually, you really should try being universal and more flexible. Anal-sex is high-risk behavior for HIV. Tiny tears in the condom may not be visible; and sometimes they break under heavy thrusting or friction. Too late after he ejaculates! Don't get me wrong, we all have our favorite positions. If you're universal, you make the best boyfriend or husband. I know, some won't waiver; but sooner or later, they meet their match!

I do hope you get tested regularly, regardless of using condoms. You're in the high-risk group. Yet another label, but an important one when it comes to your health.

My advice for guys who insist on being only a bottom, or a one-trick pony (pardon the pun) to look into the FDA-approved drug Truvada. (Google it!) It protects you from HIV-infection if you are negative. I would hope promiscuity doesn't dictate your life-style. You might want to settle-down and have a boyfriend; or get married, and have a family someday. You don't want sex to be predictable and humdrum. Nice to trade-up and switch-up now and then.

If you absolutely insist on one and only one position in bed; or you frequently have sex with different partners. For your own protection; get full-panel STD testing. Also for the benefit of any partners you have, one after another. Until you find a special-one, that you both decide to be monogamous. Even then, you should get tested to be sure of slip-ups you're not told about.

As a gay man, I feel you should be more concerned about the kind of guy he is and his HIV status; rather than who gets on top. Never bear-back with anonymous strangers and random hookups. You don't say you do, but I'm covering all bases.

You're not the only gay-boy reading this.

It helps to know his full/real-name! You never know who you might have to contact if you pickup some STD; or get diagnosed, and have to reach others you may have infected.

I don't kid around about these things. If you're a bottom, you need to know this. You already do, but it doesn't hurt to remind you. I have an obligation as a fellow gay-man to inform you. Being more experienced and older, I should protect you from the poor judgement and risky behavior; that put some loving-friends I've known to death. It was in the 90's! AIDS can make a resurgence at any given time!

I'm wise, and I shoot from the hip; because your health and life as a young gay man is so important. We don't need a whole new generation of HIV-positives on expensive HIV drugs. When our healthcare-plans in America may not (or scarcely) cover the cost of the drugs that don't cure you, but only keep you alive. I've been safe and fortunate to remain HIV negative; and get tested together with my boyfriend. I trust him, but my life is in my own hands.

He understands. That's why I love him.

I think false-impressions are unimportant; but can be easily corrected by the use of verbal-communication. You can just ignore men you have no intention of ever having sex with. It's a bit TMI to casually toss your 411 about, with total strangers you don't intend to boink. Don't get him home then spring it on him. Tell him before you seal the deal.

People who judge you that quickly aren't people you really want to know anyway. Most of the time they just blurt out a guess to make you admit otherwise. It's a cheap trick! Another pun, this time intended!

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (31 May 2017):

chigirl agony auntI thought this is the sort of thing you figure out through conversation. Maybe Im old fashioned and like to talk to people before I take them to bed, but I guess that's just the way I roll...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntGet to KNOW the guy you are getting involved with before sex?

I don't know if gay men ONLY stick to one "role" (top/bottom, what not) but I'd personally look for a person who was willing to not put me in a "box".

The better you KNOW a person, the better (hopefully) you will know what he likes, wants and expects and IF you are on the same page (hopefully) it will work out.

Now if YOU are JUST talking casual sex here, then I think the only way to "correct" the misconception is by being VERY open about WHAT you want/like.

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