A
female
age
30-35,
*emmefemale
writes:I need relationship advice... Not your normal relationship advice though...I've really been struggling to get into a relationship since I started dating which was 8 years ago (i'm 25 now). Only ever had flings *rolls eyes x infinity*. After years and years of beating myself up and asking myself what's wrong with me. I've whittled down the reason to my lack of success in love to my lack of self love. What is self love to you? How did you learn to love yourself? How can I ensure I continue to have lots of self love even in relationships? What does loving yourself whilst being in a relationship look like?Any extra encouragement that I will find love is welcome too. I'm starting to lose hope. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AnnalisaV  +, writes (29 April 2017):
 Hi :)
It has taken me many years to develop self-love and I think I know why:
from childhood, we watch to people around us for guidance, we learn about what's correct, what's seen as normal and acceptable. At first, we learn from our family, later from our peers, but whilst your parents may have called you gorgeous and a clever girl, unless you are particularly talented and successful, most people stop praising you.
In fact, most people around us struggle with relationships, with school, work, their looks, weight, abilities, etc, so it becomes difficult to feel good about ourselves, because we tend to appreciate ourselves by treating the people around us almost like a mirror.
In fact, to love yourself, you first need to recognise that you are you, not anyone else :)
I've been teaching my son recently about meditation and that's where I accidentally found myself:
take some time to sit or walk in silence... or rather, try to listen to yourself, to what is inside you, try to focus your attention onto your centre, your core.
There, you will probably hear silence and find peace.
When you manage to find your quiet place within you, you will be able to observe all around you as outside your 'bubble' and therefore almost irrelevant to you:
take charge of where your self is and from that quiet core, chose your actions and reactions, who to be involved with and how.
When you are in a relationship, make time to be alone, do something you enjoy doing by yourself or with friends, so that you don't rely on your partner and, most importantly, be with people you care about and whose company you enjoy.
So, on one hand you get to know how to listen to yourself, your feelings and needs; on the other hand, you make choices as yourself and take responsibility for them: when you take time to meditate on your life and relationships, have a think about what you get out of your experiences, how they have helped you grow into who you are today and who you might become in the future.
If you never listen to yourself, your peace and your needs, it becomes very difficult to like yourself, just as you would find it hard to love a stranger or someone who did not look after you ;)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2017): When you have a negative feelings or thoughts STOP!! And say something positive about your day or yourself. .say it in your head over and over until it makes you smile say it out loud if you can .....you are the only one who can change your mindset to positive thoughts. .the more you tell yourself good things your brain changes it's thought pattern
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