A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I've been friends with a guy for 3years the friendship turned to friends with benefits in January he stopped talking to me and now has got back in contact with me he said he stopped talking to me as he had soem family issues which he explained. My question is do u think I should tell him how I feel?, walk away or carry on being friends with benefits, even though in passing he said he is not ready for a relationship what shall I do, I feel like I need to tell him we I regretted not telling him January, what shall I do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 April 2017):
 Be honest with him and tell him why you cannot be friends with benefits any more. Be clear to him that you have feelings and you don't want to get hurt then cut contact with him. He may have been a friend but he started ignoring you which was a nasty thing to do. He can blame family issues all he wants, we all have issues it doesn't mean we ignore our friends. He is using it as an excuse. My guess is he probably knew you had feelings for him so he decided to ignore you. Again I would be honest with him but he will use the classic I am not ready for a relationship, while really he means he wants to use you for sex. Don't allow him to do that when you have feelings for him because it will destroy your self esteem and confidence and you will loose trust in men. Yes he may have been a friend but that went out the window when you both decided to sleep together.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2017): The "family-issues," real or contrived, came at an awfully convenient time. He left you hanging, sweetheart!
He stopped talking to you after you had sex. That's an indication that he didn't want you to make more of those intimate encounters than consensual-sex. It was for him, incidental. He's a guy, you're a female, and the opportunity for sex was presented. A better man would have refused.
Were you intoxicated, high; or was it just the heat of the moment sort of thing? It became a brief fling to relieve sexual-tensions; but having little meaning otherwise. For him, anyway!
Did you think introducing sex into the picture could change friendship into a romantic-relationship?
Sometimes people use the convenience of friendships like fishing in a barrel. If the dating pool goes dry, or no
one's biting; you've got a friend.
Nope!!! It will not change anything in most cases. Sex as a benefit is usually misplaced in a platonic-relationship; and is sometimes used as bait or for sex on demand. You may get a bite, but that doesn't mean he's totally hooked!
That's manipulation (either way) that often backfires. Especially, if there was never any serious discussion of the possibility of something more; or where it could lead once the deed is done. The most common outcome is it ends with someone infatuated, and hurt.
If he never even remotely discussed having a relationship other than friends; you have your answer right there.
Do you think telling him you caught feelings is going to make him feel the same? If he felt the same, he couldn't forget to contact you; or would need you to console him through his family-crisis. He didn't even need a friend?
Oh, he had a ready-made feasible excuse. He had a couple of months to devise one. He wanted you to cool-down first.
Detach your feelings. He hasn't made any discernable gestures or sent any signals to imply (or suggest) he wants to be more than friends. He had two months. He felt guilty for ignoring you.
You can tell him how you feel; but be prepared if the response and reaction isn't what you want from him.
Sexually, he may want to pickup where you left-off. Now that he knows you're willing to add that as a benefit. Don't get your hopes up for anything more than that.
You deserve better! Now convince yourself! You really do!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 April 2017):
 To put it into a nutshell, you're barking up the wrong tree.
If you two were going to be in a relationship, you would be. You've given him all the benefits of a relationship without the downsides of being in one, why would he change that?
People don't start up FWB arrangements with people they see as partner material. It's an easy way to stay sexually satisfied without any commitment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2017): It's time to move on he has told you he doesn't want you ..and while you sit waiting you may miss on a great guy who's free to care for you
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 April 2017):
 What do you think you will accomplish by telling him? That he will start treating you better? That he will WANT you?
I think you should let him go. He obviously has issues HE needs to sort out and you HAVE to listen when a guy says:" I'm NOT ready for a relationship". Becuase he speaks the truth.
Don't carry on an FWB in hopes that he EVENTUALLY wants to date you. When he is READY for a relationship it most likely won't BE with you. You are just a comfort-partner. If he felt MORE for you, he wouldn't DO this to you.
You are not getting your needs met at all from him and you ARE wasting your time, effort and emotion on a guy who is NOT available.
There are PLENTY of guys out there and without doubt, you can find someone who WANTS to be with you. Why settle for something that doesn't GIVe you anything substantial?
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (24 April 2017):
 You ask should you tell him how you feel. Well, how do you feel? He has told you he doesn't want a relationship now. He stopped talking to you and now he is back - sort of.
This isn't a person who loves you. No mater what his, 'family issues', are he would still find time to include you if he loved you.
I think he just wants the sex and a shoulder to bleat on. Get yourself someone who truly appreciates you. You don't have this man's full respect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2017): You tell him up front that you want a relationship and you are ready for a relationship. That you care about him and your feelings extend beyond sexual.
And if he is not on the same page, you will need to move on to a man who deserves you. A man who can give you all his time and attention, as well as an emotional commitment besides just physical. A man who is READY for a relationship. Unlike this guy. He has already told you where he stands.
Seriously, OP, he lost touch because he doesn't care about you all that much. He got back in touch because he is horny. And maybe has no other options right now. Family issues is just a smoke screen.
Do you want to be treated like a YO YO? He will turn you on and off like a switch depending on his own needs and convenience.
Physical sex becomes empty very, very quickly for women in FWB situations because they long for the emotional connection which is not there, wasn't there and never will be there on the part of the male involved.
And they long for more. More than just fucking once in awhile.
Men are always content to get sex without commitment. It is the choice of the woman whether or not she allows him to take advantage of her in this situation.
Many women think they can handle it. But to be honest, the reason they entered FWB in the first place is probably because they had feelings for the guy. Not because they wanted to get their rocks off. They mistakenly believe that having sex with the guy will change his mind. Make him emotionally attached. Make him commit to a relationship. It isn't so. Yes, some FWB turn into relationships but most times, they end up in heartbreak. Mostly for the women involved.
I would caution you against this arrangement. You already have feelings and it will only get harder if you continue having sex with this guy. You will grow more and more attached. And in time you will start to resent him, feel bitter, feel unloved, unwanted, and you will blow up at him when things come to a head. And he will tell you to get lost and call you an emotional mess. Not worth it. It really isn't. Nobody wants to feel used. Or not loved the way they deserve. A bit of sex is not worth sacrificing your emotional well being and your peace of mind. Once the good times stop or he gets bored or he finds another woman, he is going to move on. Leaving you heart broken. Do not be a sitting duck OP.
This situation is not for everyone. It is emotionally destructive for those who feel deeply and long for true intimacy and affection.
It is definitely not for you.
I have walked that road and I would hate to see another woman go through the pain I went through.
Please do not start up. You are in time to tell him good bye. And trust me, it will be one of the smartest decisions you have ever made. He is going to find some other girl to have sex with, don't you worry.
There are plenty of other guys out there looking for the exact same thing you are looking for. A relationship. Have a little patience sweetie. Your paths will soon cross.
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