A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do you KNOW when the time is right to end a relationship? I've asked friends and the most common response I have received is that "you just know". I don't see how this is the case.I have been in a relationship for little over a year, but I feel like I want things to come to a close. I don't believe that she is the right person for me in the long run. She's a great girl and I think I would be very lucky to have her in my life. She's very loving, caring and I know that she would never hurt me. She doesn't want things between us to end, so I'm now in a position where my head is saying no, but my heart is saying yes.So, how do you KNOW when the time is right to end a relationship whenever you want out and the other person wants to keep things going? I feel like I'm ready to give up on us, but I know deep down that if I worked on our relationship, there's still a chance we could make things work. I'm by no means a quitter, but just when is the right time to admit defeat in this situation? How do you know when the time is right to call it quits? Please help!How do you know whether to stick with a relationship or simply admit defeat? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (9 May 2013):
It sounds to me like you DO know. At a year you shouldn't be feeling this way if it was meant to be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOur relationship does have it's problems. There has always been some tension between her and my family, stemming from a misunderstanding some months back. I won't go into it, but her feelings were hurt by this and I could completely understand why and I sympathised with her. It's taken effort for things to get back on track with her and my family. She's made a lot of effort and deserves praise. But whenever she comes round to our house, I find I just can't relax. This is partly to do with the previously mentioned incident, but also... whenever she comes round, I become more aware of the silly little immature things that she does. I'm 4 years older than her, and I feel like the age gap (even though it isn't very big) is beginning to show. If she acts up, I'll roll my eyes or raise my eyebrows at her or something and that ISN'T right! She's just being herself after all, and I don't like the way I treat her. She has always done these little things, but now they are becoming really irritable to me, in my house, at her place, in public - Everywhere. WHY HAVE I CHANGED?? I don't like it at all! I never used to be like this...
I suppose I am hopeful that the grass will be greener. I have made that mistake before, but other times I have been right. If I have been dumped, I may not have found someone amazing next time around. It sometimes takes longer. But eventually, I think inevitably, you do find the right person. I'm probably taking her for granted, but I believe that if she were right for me I would be more attracted to her, and attracted to the idea of a future with her. Right now, I just don't see it. I've tried, and a part of me would really like to, but another part of me is strongly against it. I'm approaching my mid-twenties, I'm still young, I shouldn't have to feel like I need to settle down yet. I don't believe I have commitment issues, which is something she has suggested. I know in my heart that I will commit, but only to the right person.
I'm probably over-thinking this situation and I wish I would stop because it makes me feel ill. If there WAS a way of KNOWING that someone was truly right for you it wouldn't be a problem. But unfortunately everybody tells me that you DO JUST KNOW. It's driving me mad!
I would love more insight from people. Thanks to everyone who has answered so far.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): I wish you would of given more background information. You know as well as I do it takes two people working together to have a successful relationship. You can give it all like I suggest your trying to say but your not getting something back and it is bothering you. No? You never mentioned counselling or sit down honey we need to talk about something that is bothering me about our relationship. We have these weekly sit downs with my present girlfriend of two years plus. It is not always a grip session or you promised me oral sex what the f---? honey. In many cases they are re affirming sessions that both man and woman together still love and care deeply about each other. And no it doesn't mean im horny honey please bend over then will talk about whats on your mind. Have you ever tried setting down somewhere and holding each other for 10 to 15 minutes two or three times a day to reaffirm that you love and care about each other without sex. Are these suggestions way out or are you really ready to through a good relationship away thinking there is something better out there? Don't count on it my friend. Experts say that in most cases the next is hardly ever better than the previous relationship. You decide. If you throw her away I know at least five of my close buddies that will be more than happy to date and cherish your x. Don't laugh, because what I said is true. Your loss is going to be her gain. And if she writes cupid for help in the future you know what I will be telling her.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 May 2013):
That's a hard one... I'd say there are certain differences and things that can make it easy to know, but in your situation it can be difficult.
I'd say it depends on what your issue is with her. Some things can change, so to throw away a great person because they aren't "right" for you may not be the best idea.
In my opinion, the time to say goodbye is when you're not angry and you feel like there are differences that you can't deal with and that will probably never change.
Maybe she's too irritable, too sensitive, not sexual, you're not attracted to her, etc. Those may be things that are good enough reasons to say goodbye.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 May 2013):
 Relationships usually finished when their is more tears than smiles and there is nothing you can do to fix it.
If you find yourself on Dear Cupid, asking other people to tell you to stay, then that's the time to admit to yourself you don't love her enough in that way.
Great girl you say, and I believe you... now don't you think she deserve more than you're able to give? Don't you think she deserves the world and a man who loves her more than anything else? This doesn't sound like no prince charming romance to me, and that's not fair.
Your life, your choice, what is best for you both?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): That's easy OP, if your head says it's time to go, then it's time to go. The heart will never give up on what it wants regardless of how bad it is for you or how much damage it will do.
The heart is the reason women stay with abusers even though their head says "run", the heart is the reason why a guy stays with a woman who keeps cheating him. You know? The heart wants love, the heart doesn't like the idea of giving up on that and the heart just loves to hope that if it can just hold onto that love it'll be enough.
But you're not an idiot teenager Twilight fanatic that thinks vegetarian vampires who sparkle in the sun are the height of manliness. You're an adult man with a brain that's telling you that she's not a long term prospect.
OP you list a lot of great things about her, but you don't list any substantial reasons why she's not a long term prospect.
Think long and hard about your reasons OP. A little over a year is the end of the honeymoon period, all the shine and glowing enthusiasm fades a bit. Make sure you have real reasons here and it's not just a case of you getting cold feet as this relationship settles down.
I have in the past felt that a relationship might not be for me but when it came to actually thinking of reasons I didn't really have any other than a "feeling". Give it some more time and thought OP, it's not unusual to have moments of thinking "how the hell did I get here, is this really a woman I want to be with in the long run?"
You have to have reasons OP. Maybe you realize that you're not all that into her, or maybe you two aren't suited and that was covered up by the honeymoon emotions. You know? Figure out what's not right about her, not right about this relationship and whether it's really a thing you need to leave.
Saying that OP, if you feel like this for a while, or have felt this for a while then really that's enough.
Do some thinking, wait this out a bit and make your decision based on what you need to do for you OP. No amount of sweet, kind loving from a lovely woman is going to make staying with her okay if it's not what you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (7 May 2013):
 What are the problems with the relationship? Are you just hoping the grass is greener on the other side - this is rarely the case. Relationships aren't fun and exciting all the time, the start of a relationship is always going to be the whirlwind honeymoon phase then when you've known each other a bit longer things are a bit more routine. But the best bit about a relationship is the trust and friendship...
Work out what it is you really dislike about the relationship and you will know whether to stay or go.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tenderlovingcare +, writes (7 May 2013):
 How you know is the fact that you just said it yourself. The minute you start doubting the relationship and feeling like you want out, is the minute you tell her to avoid any more hurt than what is already going to occur. Be honest with her and just say exactly how you feel. It is not your fault if you feel this way and of course you're going to feel bad, but the kindest thing you could do is tell her.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 May 2013):
 Just because you CAN hold a relationship together doesn't mean you should.
"I don't believe that she is the right person for me in the long run."
That's how you know you shouldn't stick it out. Sometimes people just aren't compatible. If you aren't happy and can't see yourselves together in the future, it's time to call it quits. Breakups are always hard. Even under the best circumstances for the best reasons they are hard. Just because it will hurt at first isn't a reason to stay. It's like ripping off a bandaid. It will sting at first, but it's better to get it over with.
...............................
|
