A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I believe people should do what they say or promise to do unless something unavoidable prevents it, from the big stuff to the small stuff. I try to do this and I try to be considerate.How come people can just, with apparently little discomfort or remorse, just let people down? Doesn't it bother them?My ex boyfriend used to do this, say he will come over then not turn up, say he was taking me out then make an excuse, and at first I accepted that these things happen but it happened more often than I think is usual and with serious stuff like saying we must get engaged next year and then next year comes and nothing happens. I don't know how he could play around with my feelings and my future and he didn't seem bothered.That's why I broke up with him - he was always making promises he didn't keep.Am I too rigid in my thinking and should I be more relaxed or accomodating? I start out thinking when I go on a date is it even worth trying to start a relationship when you end up getting let down again. How do you know when someone really has integrity without going through a couple of months of disappoinment and wasting your time with them?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 April 2012):
 I don't think you are too rigid or that you necessarily need to downgrade your expectations , if certain things are important to you. You just believe in things like being punctual, being consistent, being considerate , being reliable ( I do too. This is not a critique ), BUT I think you are being naive, and unrealistic, expecting and demanding that everybody else should share your same values.
If other people do not particularly consider important being punctual ( like our good Latin friend Daniel and his countrymen :) ) , it's normal that they won't feel guilt-wracked by showing up an hour late . What bothers you does not necessarily bother them- you play by different rules, that's all.
The solution, I think, is not to try and force people to play by your rules,- but to only take on board people who already know them , accept them and apply them.
The two months ( or more ) "trial period " is inevitable,useful and necessary in fact - for ANY quality you are looking for in your partners, lovers and friends. It applies to everything, because it only counts what people will do CONSISTENTLY, everybody can be on our best behaviour once or twice. Everybody can offer you a lavish dinner, will it mean they are generous types ? Everybody can make some very romantic gesture once, does it mean they are romantic ?... and so on and so forth.
The disappointments come from having too many expectations and not being able to mantain a measure of lucidity and objectivity ,and deciding he must be Prince Charming only because he's doing all the right moves... in the first week.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): I don't think you can know unless you take the chance on them to find out. I suppose you could ask them to provide a resume and you can call their references and employers to check on them! seriously though, you won't know if someone has integrity until you risk something in order to find out.are you too rigid? well for small stuff I would say it's better to go with the flow unless it stops becoming small stuff because it happens so often!. saying he will come over then just not show up is, in my opinion, not small stuff. It's extremely rude. Would he do that if he had an appointment with his boss?? if he did that with, say, a doctors appointment would they simply take him in whenever he next randomly shows up? no - they would make him wait for the next available time slot. The boss would probably be this much closer to firing him. So no, him just not showing up despite saying he would, is not small stuff.saying you will get engaged, then nothing happens...yep definitely not small stuff too but what's more troubling is that he doesn't say WHY nothing happened. There are legitimate reasons for calling off an engagement like if one person's feelings really have changed. but if the lack of follow-through is not accompanied by any explanation or forewarning that's also a lack of integrity.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 If I promised to be there at 7:15 and (as any self-respecting Latin American) were to show up at 9:00, and you complained about it, well, I would say you're too rigid. Now, if he said "we're getting engaged next year" and he didn't, that is a serious thing.
It's not about integrity, poster. It's about his not wanting to get engaged.
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