A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Am 16 wks pregnant. Broken up with partner. He is unsupportive but acting weird. When we were together - he would buy food cos he was practically living with me and I would cook it for him. He didn't want to go to any scans or hospital appointments though he was given the choice. He also stopped bringing me out and I had to ask him to date me! He is acting like he is not sure the child is his yet when we did have sex I felt he was a bit emotional each time. Like as if it suddenly meant more to him when he did make love to me. I didn't know if that was his way of bonding with the baby. Anyway, I broke up with him as I felt his heart is not really in this only HALF there..and there is no point to be with someone if they are 1 min keen and the next want nothing to do with you. He wants DNA at end of this all and I dont mind doing this. Fine. Since the breakup - its been 3 days - he has made no attempts of contacting me and is avoiding me. I have also avoided him. When we were together he would not answer me when I asked about another woman he tried to date to have a coffee with instead of me. He never resolved this issue for me. She got mad at him via txt that I happened to read - she said she was not at his beck and call! but she sent this late at night around 11 pm. When I asked him about her calmly in the restaurant - he got irritated and didn't want to discuss it. Told me I was skating on thin ice with him. So after the date, as much as it hurt me to do, I broke up with him as I was beginning to feel like second best. His appearance has improved and he goes to the gym every day which kinda bothered me as he had not been doing this before. Nothing had changed sexually but he was less free to meet up due to two new hobbies. He watches other women when I am with him which used to annoy me as I was not sure he was deliberately doing that to wind me up so I tried to ignore it to show him he was not getting to me. He avoided eye contact a lot of the time and was a bit critical of my appearance. My question is: how do you know if your ex really wants to be around for the baby for sure??
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both of you. I think you are correct. I keep caring what he could possibly be thinking and its turning out to be more detrimental to myself then good. So yes I keep giving him chances and taking him back..that is the problem. He is complicating it and making it harder by showing up at my doorstep unannounced :-( which then makes me get sucked back in. Its as if he knows my trigger points and plays on them to have that power over me...
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (29 October 2009):
 When you focus on your own happiness and the welfare of your baby, you no longer focus on the questions you've asked. If it makes you feel better to think this guy is the source of all of the problems, then go ahead and tell yourself that.
Then put him out of your mind. That's what it means to focus on what you have control of - your happiness and the welfare of your child - it means stop asking yourself what is in his head.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009):
I am convinced that there must be some biological reason that women concieve more often when a relationship is on & off or breaking up.
It just happens WAY TOO OFTEN even among women that I am sure did not do it on purpose.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow Lola1 well written..thank you...your response has impressed me. In terms of the clues...my question is...why am I missing the answers to these questions? is there something wrong with him mentally?? in other words what could his hangups possibly be that would make him miss out on attending? I assume he questions whether the baby is his and so misses the appointments which is a big shame...cos there are no doubts in my mind. He told me it would be too hurtful for him to get excited and watch the baby on scans etc and then suddenly he find out its not his...like as if the baby isnt his...I have no idea what is making him act this way...but its depressing to say the least as the doubts only come from him...ideas??? so I have left him alone..what else can I do...the problems lie with him...
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (28 October 2009):
People who stay together for children only, and not because they love the one they are staying with are not usually very happy in their "marriage" or "union".
I did not say this guy WOULD NOT be in it for the long haul... I said it is UNLIKELY. This is because there are certain rules of nature, which rarely falter. For example, a mouse never eats a cat. However, there are some cats who don’t eat mice, so I allow for the remote possibility I am wrong about this and the distinct possibility that I do not have all of the facts.
The clues you are missing are as follows; not interested in attending appointments, doubting whether he is the father, obviously checking out other women when he knows it bothers you, commenting on your figure and last but certainly NOT least - in fact the most obvious - you two keep breaking up.
You’ve missed these clues, because you make the same mistake most people do. You do not want to believe it so you follow your "heart" instead of your “gut”.
You have a lot of thinking to do. My advice is to remain focused on what you have control of - your happiness and the welfare of your baby. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of you who have written. We were on and off before the baby was conceived hence the doubts in his head, I guess but I had no doubts about the baby. When we had broken up recently - he did bend over backwards to get back with me hence my confusion. You say its unlikely he will be there for the long haul - how is that so?? what signs am I missing here?? sorry if I don't get that...I would like to understand that part of what you have written. Anyway appreciate your feedback thank you...
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (28 October 2009):
In answer to your specific question: you wait and see. If he wants to be with you, he'll come back and if he wants to be with the baby, he will come back to be with the baby.
You've only just broken up and it sounds like there was a lot of emotional difficulty prior to the break up. It seems like a good and emotionally responsible idea for him NOT to call you right now. Obviously he has a lot to sort through and he can’t do so properly while maintaining contact with you.
He may be uncomfortable with the idea of being a father and/or the concept of committing himself to you for the rest of his life. He may not be ready for that kind of family. It sounds as though there are some huge trust issues going on with you two. He wants a DNA test, which means he doubts this child is his. He doubts you have been faithful.
I have to wonder what (if anything) you may or may not have done to make him wonder about the child's paternity. However, regardless of that, he is also wrestling with the possibility that he is emotionally investing in a child that may not be his (whether you know it is or not, HE doesn't, and so he is wrestling with these feelings) and a woman who was unfaithful.
What you should be worrying about is NOT whether or not he wants to be with you for the baby or for you, but whether or not YOU want to be with someone with so many doubts and an inability (for whatever reason) to be supportive of you in this time. Do you think this person will be an appropriate support while you parent? Do you want to build a life with this man? Can he be a reliable partner through "thick and thin, sickness and in health, and financial hard-times?" Do you want to be with a man for the rest of your life that you play games with (i.e. He is looking at girls to bug me, so I will pretend I don't notice)?
“Love” isn’t like that. Start making plans for the baby and moving on with your life. I can tell you now it is unlikely he will be with you for the long haul, even if he chooses to be an active and responsible father to this child.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, AskLadyJuJu  +, writes (28 October 2009):
 only way to know is to tallk to him about it. you both have to realize that you both have to change your whole life around now thaAT there is a baby on the way so meaning he has some growing up to do as far as this girl and looking at others when hes with you like u dont even exist. He could be stressing out a bit because of the fact that there is a baby on the way and financial issues maybe? you never know whats going through his head if you dont talk to him you have to sit down with him and tell him you want to know everything thats on his mind and then you tell him how your feeling and what you both can work on to fix it so that you both can provide a healthy relationship for your new baby. hope everything goes well goodluck and congrats!
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