A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello agony aunts, I work full time self employed. I can easily arrange a social life and time for other things whenever I want if I think it is worth it and I have enough notice. Because I work by appointment with people I need notice and to put things down in my diary and stick to it. Otherwise I would be all over the place and letting people down and soon unemployed - and skint.I met a lady (I am totally straight, just wanted a platonic friend) who is about 60 and does not work. She just watches tv and plays on her playstation all day. But we sort of hit it off, she has a great sense of humour, so we said we would meet up regularly to go shopping and for a meal. Because I needed to make plans and work appointments and other stuff out for work we said it would be on thursdays.Great. But when thursday came she would ring me and say she cannot make it. Either she felt ill or her car was not working. It did not take long to figure out these were just excuses. She often let slip that she had been chasing after a man she was very keen on and had been sitting chatting to him all day thursday instead! As she does not work and has no commitments she could have done that monday, tuesday, wednesday, friday, saturday and sunday.Of course, she had lied to me and messed me around a lot. I had been left sitting there thursday with nothing to do when I could have arranged work or something else instead but it was too short notice.Her birthday was coming up. I said I was happy to take her out that day for her birthday treat.But only if she says it is definite and none of this waiting till last minute and cancelling nonsense.I am not willing to lose another thursday.Instead of saying yes ok she would she would let me know wednesday if it was on for thursday.I knew this was her fudging. But I said ok.I must know by 4 pm wednesday. IF I have not heard from you by then I will make other plans and it is cancelled.On the wednesday I heard nothing at all. So I made other plans.That thursday I was busy with other things. I was indoors and busy. I had made other plans and got on with them.She turned up and rang the doorbell as if she was due to be coming over and had arrived.I ignored the doorbell. I had said that if I had not heard by 4 pm wednesday I would be busy and I was.She kept ringing me trying to get me.I ignored the phone.Then eventually she emailed me moaning about it.As if I was the unreliable one.I told her straight that she had messed me about a lot already and this was the last straw.I could tell by the way she was talking that she had hoped something had turned out for that day with other people and had been hedging her bets thinking that if that does not work out she would come out with me. Then when that went wrong she turned up here. Not nice.She is now sending me abusive emails saying stuff like WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME? you have no right to decide how I spend my time.True. But I do have a right to expect that she does not lie to me or use me or expect me to sit around waiting for her when she is messing me around and I lose a whole day over it.The other day we bumped into each other in a shop.I would not speak to her.I hated being this mean to her but I knew from her attitude she felt she had done no wrong, and could continue to be this way.How do you make sure that people do not treat you this way? Please do not say tell them to get lost, don't put up with nonsense etc. The point is with people like this they do not care what you think. They will not change. If you do not do things their way they do not want to know. I tried all that.I was more patient than most would have been.I had a lot of inconvenience and loss because of it.Yet never once did she regret treating me like that.So I had no choice but to do that.I have often come across this attitude. I invite someone over for a coffee, they know that I work full time and make arrangements for different times and days and fit it all in. Yet they begrudge arranging it and moan that they should just be able to turn up when it suits when at a loose end.Or they arrange it and then at the last minute cancel, or they turn up when it is inconvenient on a different day and time to that arranged.Months ago I had a woman arrange to come over for coffee and a chat one morning. She knew that was the day that week I was not busy with work. She knew all about it. She does not work at all, she has no commitments. Yet the day before she was due to come she turns up - different day - different time - and then complains that I am busy with work and cannot come to the door. Then loses interest in coming back at the arranged time on the arranged day.My clients make an arrangement to come on a certain day and time and do. They don't think they can change the day and time to suit them without making sure it suits me too or cancel five minutes before they are due to arrive and many of them travel a long way. They know that if they do not turn up or turn up late or cancel at short notice they lose their payment. These local people are just around the corner.This is not a case of me being badly organised.Or not having made my situation clear to people.They knew the situation fully. They chose to ignore it.I am not some bored housewife who is desperate for company and willing to see anyone on any terms at any time. And I should not have to be that way to be worth meeting up with. But I never come across people who are fair and responsible about these things. The only people I meet are the ones who want to behave in this selfish way. I am sick of it.Please do not suggest I go out looking for nicer people. Been there and done that. All I ever find is these people who want me here at their beck and call when it suits. It has got to the point where it makes more sense for me to do more paid work on my days off than to meet such people who take me for granted and try to use me.And no, it would not be a good idea to make friends of clients, they are too needy and it would be a one way street.I am not stupid, I know that it is often best to do nothing than run around wasting time on doing things which do not work.So I feel trapped by this. Because the only things I can do are not practical or worth the time and bother. So please do not suggest things I can do.I will have already thought of them and tried them ages ago, they all amount to throwing the baby out with the bath water or creating worse problems in the process of doing whatever. Or the cost in time and all the rest not being worth it.Hence I bury myself in work where at least the clients understand that 11 am tuesday means not, not if you feel like or any day and time you fancy.Thankfully my husband is wonderful. We get on great.We have a good family life, there are no problems there. If only other people were as thoughtful and unselfish and reliable as them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2020): From the original poster Hi HoneypieYou have no idea how needy some of my clients are, and odd. You have never met them. I get a lot of them wanting to cling to me like limpets, same as a hypochondriac wants to be around a doctor all the time. But it would all be a one way street, with them avoiding paying for consultations. I did not say all of them. And I did not mention names or say it in their hearing, so there is nothing unprofessional about it. A few months ago I had to get the police onto one of these clients because she was forever turning up on the doorstep, sometimes at midnight, demanding that she must talk to me about her problems, drunk and disorderly. She would refuse to make an appointment for the normal time and she had no intention of paying, she was also very disturbed and it would not have been safe to allow her in.As for having time to write two long posts ! I do that in about five minutes. I write for a lot of magazines and newspapers and have had five books published, my typing speed is about 100 words a minute and I think even faster. Please do not assume that it takes me a long time to do that.These people I was speaking about were not friends, they were people I knew, maybe met just once and invited themselves over. Many of them are clearly only wanting to come over because they are bored or they want to go on about their problems to someone they know is a good listener and earns their living that way.The solution is simple. No doorbell or phone working when it is intruding.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (11 October 2020):
 I think you have been very unlucky in your choice of friends, which possibly says more about you than about them. I say this because my closest friends completely understand and respect my boundaries in all areas, as I do theirs in return. Perhaps you have made bad choices? Just a thought.
Another thought is that you seem to have an awful lot of time on your hands if you have time to write the two extremely lengthy posts you have submitted on here.
And my final thought on this subject before I bow out is that this - "And no, it would not be a good idea to make friends of clients, they are too needy and it would be a one way street" - does not put you in a very good light, on a professional or personal level. Do you not think you owe your clients some respect? You could so easily have put that in a much kinder, not to mention more professional, manner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2020): From the original poster. Honeypie thank you for your answer.I have been working as a hypnotherapist from an office in my house for many years, I have it all sewn up thank you, I have plenty of common sense. I do what you suggested, if people are unreliable, selfish etc I no longer let them meet up with me. You have to talk to them or meet them once to find out they are like that.Hence now if I am not expecting a client I ignore the doorbell and if I have a client it is turned off.No need to make it more complicated than that, nor waste a great deal of time and money on a separate office... where it would be busier and noisier and where I would then have to work at least three times the amount of hours to cover all the extra expenses and time involved.But it is not as simple as you say.You say you think it is wrong that other people have to slot into clients.There is no other way to do it.IF I have ten clients down for next week, all firm bookings, then I am hardly going to say to someone else that I will cancel and rearrange those bookings to suit them. Just about everyone I can think of does not work and never has, they have far more time and can be far more flexible than me. Why would I tell them that if they fancy wednesday morning I will cancel my work for that morning and rearrange it. So of course I offer them what is not booked instead, same as as do with other clients.My husband works long hours, he comes in tired and wants time on his own and a rest, he is often on the phone with clients or doing paperwork or wanting an early nightbecause he starts very early, and we want to spend evenings together, we often go out evenings, so I am not going to want to mess up evenings. I know lots of people who never want to go out or see people evenings and would only ever want to meet daytimes same as me, only in their case they could have been a lot more flexible because they do not work or have any commitments.There is also the fact that I am often virtually housebound. I need help to get out, I often need a wheelchair and cannot get out without my husband. There are times I have just been in hospital and unwell and very poorly and tired and need more rest. Otherwise it is obvious it would be more sensible to arrange to meet people I barely know outside the home, but that is not possible.Having sat there all day talking to clients I really do not want to sit there talking to people I have only met once or twice who invited themselves around, very often in the hope of free advice and free therapy that other people pay for. I need time to do other things to and it gets boring.As for the bit about giving out my address. I am very cautious about that, I have to be, as I get so many people wanting to come, mostly genuine clients who know they have to pay and stick to an appointment. But you forget that when you work in an area as a professional the word gets around, people sometimes find out your address from others too. I was not asking for advice on how to deal with people coming to see me - that is simple. It was about how people think they are entitled to my time when it suits them. They are the control freaks. If you tell someone you cannot see them monday that should be enough, it should not be that I am out of order for being busy on monday. When I suggest a day and time to someone it is a suggestion, not an order, they should be the same way.Demanding a certain time and day or just turning up there then is the same thing.One of my clients works with parrots. He trims their beaks. He has an enormous sign outside his place that says about his work and says BY APPOINTMENT ONLy etc.He turns his doorbell off when he is working with a parrot. He is hardly going to tell customers they must make an appointment to bring a parrot over but if a friend is bored and wants a chat that is different, either it is convenient then or it is not. Either he is working and cannot be disturbed or it is not.If a client cannot walk in at that moment it must be the same if it is an acquaintance or whoever, he is busy.That does not make him nasty or unfriendly.It is nasty to think he should be at someone's beck and call 24 7. Anymore than that I cannot pop into my next door neighbour when she is child minding and busy taking care of the children in her care and I cannot pop into a lady down the road who is often in the middle of baking and icing cakes for peoples' weddings etc. Thank you for your reply honeypie, it was more sensible and realistic than most.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2020): I'm self-employed and work by appointment with people like you do. I'm very busy and before lockdown worked six, sometimes seven days a week as I'm single and I rent. If I don't work, I don't eat and can't pay the rent. It is therefore the most important part of my life.I understand your dilemma. Our kind of work does not end when our appointments end either. When I'm very busy I can spend a lot of my evening getting back to people about appointments either by phone or text or email. Then I have to do the paperwork and sterilise my instruments ready for the next day. Not to mention get something to eat and do housework.People who work nine to five have absolutely no concept of how disciplined and organised you have to be to pull this off. Not just sometimes, but every day. I have to make sure I always have enough materials for my appointments, that the car is always ready to go as I'm mobile. If I have a dentist appointment or an MOT for the car, it throws my world into disarray, because I have no time for extra anything. As I said, that was before lockdown. Since then I have decided to try to manage on the money from a five day week, before I have a breakdown. People can't understand why my garden is a mess, why I'm always chasing my tail over the housework, accounts, etc etc. They don't understand my level of busy. I also have a second business which isn't as demanding, but takes time and effort too and I'm writing a book!Consequently, I have no friends. I have no time for them. I have one friend from childhood who is also busy and she understands that on the one afternoon a year we manage to meet, that I have to put that date in my diary at least two months in advance. Anyone who knows me less and suggests meeting, think I am giving them the brush off when they suggest meeting the next week and I suggest meeting in about eight weeks at best. Therefore I don't hear from them again and I don't have the time or inclination to chase them. It's a fact of life that if you're self-employed and busy, your personal life suffers. You sound as if you have at least SOME time to give to meeting others. If you do and they can't understand your timetable or your need for discipline in your diary then kick them to the curb! Sorry, but I don't really understand what you want from us. It is what it is and no-one can change the way your life is organised. I wrote because I wanted to say that I understand that you are NOT a control freak, you are a professional, self-employed, busy and successful business woman and that if you didn't control your diary and your time, then you wouldn't be in business. You can't just swan off to meet friends when you have work or attend to people who decide to just drop in. That's obvious to you and me. Not to those who are employed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2020): I would be annoyed if I was messed about like you have described however like everyone else I pick up the undertones that you are judgemental because they don't work and you insinuate that they are not people you would choose as friends based on their lifestyle.People can be flaky, I have friends like yours who don't work long hours and will tell me they have little time to do things, I have to wonder how they would cope if they did have to hold down a full time job as well but I say nothing, not everybody is as hard working, regimented as you and I am. As suggested try and mix with people you feel are on your level in all areas in life and remember if they are like that it says more about them than you. I think underneath the cagey post you have written you are also hurt when you feel you are treated bad. Look at all suggestions and ask yourself honestly what maybe fits and you could change.Best of luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 October 2020):
 Keep social interaction with people who are more like yourself. People who work and can understand what "planning" for a meet up means.
Which makes sense.
Don't give out your address to someone you just meet. Meet for coffee, lunch, whatnot out in public. When you know then well enough they can probably understand what you do for work and how INTRUSIVE it would be to show up out of the blue.
It does seem like other people has to BEND to your schedule. Because YOUR life is busy and important, and theirs aren't. If that is the vibe I get from your post, I can't imagine you have many people wanting to be your friend.
Friendships is not about just ONE person and that ONE person's schedule. REGARDLESS of how little the other person have going on.
You have apparently tried to befriend 2 people who both didn't work and don't give a single shit to your job and life, definitely not the kind of people you want to surround yourself with.
You can't FIX other people, only how YOU react to it.
You have to set some boundaries here. And understand that the world doesn't revolve around you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2020): I think you move your non- friendships on far to fast.
Having barely known a female friend you are offering to take them out for their 'birthday treat!'
And when they prove themselves to be flaky and entitled you find yourself upset.
So slow down on opening up the generosity of your heart too soon.
Also, it can be very difficult for some people to find Free-Time compatible with others and perfectly good friends get missed simply because time schedules and other constraints don't coincide.
Don't even consider making yourself available too soon in terms of friendships.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2020): From the poster of the problem. Thank you very much Youcannotbeserious for not judging me harshly and seeing that advice was not necessary or relevant and it was a question of venting. If I had wanted advice on this I would have worked it out myself - ages ago - or asked my husband who knows the situation well. He knows all about what I have done, he knows my background, he knows the area. He knows I have tried everything that is practical and worthwhile and anything I have not tried it is because it is obvious it would not be a better alternative to me working with clients on those days.I would love to have one or two good friends who are "like me". Own their own business, self employed, schedules and all the rest and have been everywhere that is practical to meet such people and they are not to be found. I always meet this sort who want my place and me as their plan b, a drop in centre. They always refuse to make plans. Yet they never let anyone just drop in on them, not me or anyone, and I would never expect to. Apart from them being female we have nothing in common anyway! If I have a choice of seeing some clients who make and stick to appointments or people who want to just drop in when bored I am far better off with clients.There is work and work. In my case I cannot be disturbed when I work. I cannot have noise, visitors etc.Not because I am a control freak. But because that does not work when you are a hypnotherapist. When my husband comes home from work he makes sure he does not make a noise or interrupt me if I have a client. That is manners. It is professional. It is for the sake of the clients.I have, by the way, never ever cancelled a social thing for a work thing. If I have arranged to see someone monday morning and then a client fancies coming then I say no, and suggest other days and times. I don't mess those people about either.People who are self employed need to have some sort of schedule of time, not just for work, but also for chores, gardening, housework, seeing the hairdresser etc. And in my case I have days when I am quite unwell, sometimes just been in hospital again, and no energy and not up to doing anything or seeing anyone I do not know well.Sometimes I am writing articles for a newspaper or magazine and it has to be done by a certain time and day.Obviously time is of the essence then and if I am in the middle of doing it the last thing I need is some virtual stranger expecting me to stop and leave it for as long as they want while they chatter.These people I am talking about are not friends. They would never get to that point with me because of their selfishness.They are people I have met once and assume they can use me and my place as a drop in centre when it suits - ignoring what I told them about having to make arrangements. If it was practical and I was not disabled and could get out easier I would arrange to meet them elsewhere but it has to be here. So they try to take advantage and ignore boundaries and take liberties.Also, having sat there talking to clients all day most days about their problems, the last thing I want is people I barely know thinking that is what I am here for when they are bored. It would be like doing free consultations in my so called spare time. It would have made more sense to take on more clients instead.Most of the women I have met have only wanted to come over to bore me with their problems.They would not be interested in arranging anything social for fun or inviting me to theirs, it was all very one sided. They do not know my job, I make sure of it, but they are drawn to the fact I am at home/in my office a lot, just around the corner, female - and they think it is convenient to come to me, just a few minutes away,no cost. Some of them clearly just want a change of scene or to get out. But I have come across some who had heard about me and my job and then made a beeline for me. Some expected to be able to just turn up here and bore me with their problems for hours every day. Please do not suggest that I tell them they can make an appointment and pay. Most of them could not afford it and had no intention of paying for it.Personally if someone who works says to someone who does not work and has no commitments that they can see them thursday I cannot see why the non busy person cannot just agree and stick to it. They can easily arrange the other things they want to do around that day and time.My husband never lets anyone come to see him without arranging it first. In his case because he has been busy with work all day and needs some wind down time, eating his evening meal, showering etc. He might have paperwork to do. That does not make him rude or unfriendly, it makes him organised, it means he gets his priorities right. Nobody should have to be a convenience to another to get their attention. That would be buying a non existent friendship.As for the person who said that when that woman did not ring by 4 pm to say she was coming for her birthday meal the day after, he was totally ignoring that I had put up with a lot of time wasting and lies from her. I knew for a fact she had lied about the times she said her car had broken down. And as she lived just five minutes away it is strange that she did not walk over instead of driving over then. I was sick of her wasting my time and lying. Why was I going to chase after her in the hope that she would come? I was working that day. I was busy with clients. She was doing nothing, just watching tv.It was far easier for her to send me an email than it was for me to chase after her. I was not going to chase after her as if she was doing me a huge favour if she came.I knew her well enough to know she would try to avoid taking a phone call and put it off till very late and ignore that I needed to know by 4pm. If I know by 4 pm I can salvage the day and make other plans, if it is later it is clearly much harder to.IF a client had rung me at 4 pm and asked if they could come over the next day I would have said sorry fully booked, the day after is fine. As for me being a control freak. I have a friend who is very nice, we have been friends for years, she lives hundreds of miles away but we are in touch every day.She will get people wanting to visit her and she wants to see them. She likes them. She has no commitments, no problems, no health issues. Yet she always insists they arrange a day and time and stick to it and that the visitor cannot stay longer than forty minutes.This is because she is busy with housework etc and gets bored easily. I find that overly strict for someone who does not work and has masses of spare time. Everyone says what a lovely person she is. I can think of at least twenty women in my area who never let anyone visit them - not just me - anyone. Yet expect to be able to turn up here whenever it suits unannounced.That is being a control freak. That is being rude.Thank you Youcannotbeserious for your kind and understanding and realistic reply. I do appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (10 October 2020):
Not sure whether you came here to ask for advice (you ruled out all things I thought of while reading your post, lol) or whether you just needed to vent. If the latter, then I hope you feel better.
My closest friend is self employed, so I understand (probably more than some of the other aunts and uncles) how self disciplined you need to be and how structured your time needs to be. If not, you lose money and/or clients. Over the years I have learned to accept that she will sometimes cancel arrangements at the last minute because she has had an urgent job come in which she needs to work on, or she has not had time to get her papers together for the accountant who is calling to collect them next day. I suppose this is the other way round to your situation but, like you, I am at the "receiving end" of this behaviour. Having been friends with her for many years, I now always make arrangements with the thought at the back of my mind that "this might not happen". If plans change at the last minute due to her work, I simply do something else and we make new plans.
I can totally understand how frustrated you became with your friend who just treated you as a "plan B" if she had nothing better to do. That is just plain rude and ill-mannered. I would have "taught her a lesson" in exactly the way you did. (I had a friend who used to turn up unannounced and expect me to drop everything, or make arrangements and not turn up at all, then try to make me feel bad for not dropping everything for her next time she tried the same trick. It got to a point where I dropped her as a friend because she was simply not worthy of that standing in my life as she had zero respect for my commitments.)
In my view you should never treat people as a priority who treat you as a convenience. They should afford you the courtesy of not having to rearrange your life to convenience them. Yes I understand that, on occasions, plans need to be changed because "life" happens, but we all know the difference between reasons and excuses.
One of the things which struck me about your post was how you expected your friends to slot into your appointment diary in the same way as your clients. While I do fully understand WHY this is a necessity for you, given that you run your own business, people who have a more relaxed lifestyle may find this difficult to adhere to. Have you considered trying to befriend others who are in the same position as you, i.e. who run their own business and, hence, need to lead a very regimented lifestyle?
Sorry no other advice to offer. Glad you have a good family life to make up for the lack of friends. We can't always have everything we want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2020): I am the original question poster.You could not have been more wrong.Let us look at some more facts before you have a go at me and blame me.My husband is not a wimp, he would not put up with a control freak of a wife. I could not stand being married to a wimp. He comes and goes as he wants and needs to. Our family live hundreds of miles away. We do not have children. Everyone of our family are hard working full time professionals, some very successful. They are the same as us about arrangements because they are busy.Even a phone call is arranged because our times have to fit with their spare time. And they love visiting us and do that as much as they can. They have no reason to do it unless they enjoy it, they are wealthy and they are not after an inheritance or favours.As for friends. The people I spoke about here were not friends. They were people I had met once with a view to maybe becoming friends. We had not got to the stage of being actual friends.All this stuff that you say about how it should be convenient for them to turn up etc makes no sense at all.My clients have to make an appointment. If I am with a client who has made an appointment I have to give that time to them undisturbed. They are paying for a chunk of my time that now belongs to them, with no interruptions.They would soon lose interest in having consultations with me if I jumped up when the phone rang or the doorbell went. Do you often visit hypnotherapists when it suits you?Expecting them to leave their client laying on the couch half dazed until they return to them whenever?It is unprofessional, weird, unhelpful and you let down and lose a client.When I meet people who might become friends I EXPLAIN to them that I work as a hypnotherapist, that I can only see people by appointment, that they cannot just turn up when I am with a client or have family there etc. They say they understand and then they go back on it.Some of my clients travel a hundred miles or more to come and see me. They know how busy I am and they arrange a day and time and stick with it.I should not have to worry that in the middle of the hypnosis a little old lady that I only met once fancies a long chat and can just walk in and take over and ruin the session.That is manners and that is business etiquette.I am sure that if you had paid me to come for a session and then I suddenly jumped up and said I must go and let in this person I barely know and only met once, they fancy a chat, they had ignored not to turn up when it suits, you would not be happy about a ruined hypnosis session and having to arrange another and having lost your money.I have one very good friend. She does not work. Her husband does not work. They never let anyone, not anyone, not even their own family who live near them just turn up. That is up to them. They are popular.I never ever turn up at peoples' places if I have not been invited. I never ever think it is convenient just because someone is home. And none of these people work, none have commitments none are busy.I tried this idea that people could just turn up when it suited them. If they caught me when it was one of my days off of work and I was not busy with clients I would see them. But some would be turning up every day for hours and I never got any of my other things done...things that need doing - housework, gardening, shopping, phone calls and all the rest. I also found that if they had found out I was a well known hypnotherapist they would only want to pop in to pick my brain and go on about their problems.I would have been turning away paid work for that day to have a rest and a change and then ending up sitting there working for free all day.I am not stupid - I had already been through my SENSIBLE options about this. My husband is the one I would have gone to for advice on those things, he knows me best, he knows the area best. You know very little about meand you do not know our area at all.I am far better off working full time - where I see clients who are polite, reasonable, punctual, do not try to stay for four hours than doing any of the things you would come up with. I am sure I would have already tried them and they are not worthwhile options and alternatives.Incidentally, I am disabled, I need to get about in a wheelchair sometimes. I struggle to get out.I need my husband's help in getting out. We do not have any family who live within easy travelling distance and we all work full time and are limited in time so we cannot meet much. This is why I arrange for people to come to see me here for coffee and a chat, at least until I get to know them well.I would need their help to get out. If I do not know them well and have only met them once it is easier to meet them here.Incidentally none of these people want to invite me to theirs at the start or give me their address. Why would I let them come and go from my place when I am not welcome at theirs?I know loads of people in the area who would love to be able to come and go from here when it suits. Always only when they want free advice and hypnotherapy etc. Never as a real friend, never wanting to socialise, only when it is to lean on me. IF I made them all welcome I would never have a moment to myself to do the things I need and want to do, and I would have to close down my business because of the constant interruptions that ruin the clients' sessions.But that does not mean it is always convenient.My husband and I have various friends that we see as a couple. Some live close some further away. They all work hard. We cannot just decide to see them today or whenever it suits us. We have to plan it and stick to it.Why is it different when the person is working from home and in the middle of work?IF I wanted people to be coming and going from here as if this was a train station rather than a private house it would make more sense for me to be more flexible with appointments with clients. At least that would pay the bills. I often turn away clients if I have been poorly for a bit or want some more spare time to catch up with things. Not so that someone I have only met once can pop in and take up that time.Several of the people I met in the area made it clear that we might become friends but that it was not convenient to just turn up at theirs. They do not work from home, they are not busy, but it does not suit them if people just turn up when they have a family visit etc.I do not consider that to be rude, it is normal.If it is fair not to just turn up when they have a precious family visit it is equally fair not to turn up when the person is working with a client and it would disturb the session, or catching up with housework, they have just come back from hospital and need a long sleep or are too unwell to see someone.Sometimes I am very ill and need a few days just relaxing on my own. Sometimes I have been in hospital again and am worn out and need rest. I then have to cancel my bookings with clients for that few days and rearrange it all. If clients cannot take over my life and my time and use my place as a drop in centre why would I let people who are just an acquaintance and have only met once do that.My husband sometimes gets his clients wanting to just turn up. He hates it and does not allow it.He is not a control freak. He is a busy man who needs time to eat his meal, have a bath and wind down.But in actual fact if I have a choice of having clients who make appointments and turn up at the agreed timeor people I have only met once who are hoping for a long chat about all of their problems for free just turning up, the clients make more sense. Especially when some of those who have just turned up have only wanted free consultations.They see lots of friends. Always by arrangement. My husband works full time and he is the same. He will not answer the phone if he has come home from work and is not expecting the call. He will concentrate on having a bath, eating his evening meal and having a well earned rest and ring them back when it suits him. Which may be in the next few days or so.What none of you looked at was that a woman you have only met once and are not yet friends with, who knows that you work full time doing a job where it is intrusive and difficult to deal with a doorbell or phone ringing,and who does not work and has lots of time, should make an arrangement and stick to it.When I am working with clients I have to turn the doorbell off or ignore it. But even it just ringing is intrusive and can disturb the session. Likewise I have to turn the phone off.I know at least six hypnotherapists - all who live a long way away - who do the same.I suppose you would call them control freaks too.BUT it is that and having time for the other things in your life and the other people in your life who matter or having no life at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2020): [EDIT]: Grammatical-corrections, or corrected punctuation.
"What if they've been forgiven, but it happens again?"
"I'm not their mama or their daddy! I don't go out of my way to admonish grown-ups; they'll never hear from me again!"
"Sooner or later, they're going to cancel for a better offer."
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2020): Wow! "Don't tell me this, or don't tell me that!" Then why did you write DC for advice??? If you've censored everybody, are we supposed to respond telepathically?
Here's my advice. Take it, or leave it!
I do agree with you wholeheartedly, that people these days have no sense of manners, etiquette, or proper protocols. They tend to overlook simple-courtesies; and don't seem to be concerned about inconvenience, unless they're being inconvenienced.
You seem to treat your friends like clients. You're very regimental, no-nonsense, and I sense you're a little on the mean side.
Friendship is casual, relaxed, and you don't always stick to schedules and stiff rules. You come across as bossy, and somewhat high-maintenance; but you can't always be that anal and expect to be likeable.
You don't give people a chance to feel comfortable with you. It's like they're given a schedule and an assignment; and you expect them to meet your deadlines. You're all business; but I don't pickup friendliness at all, my dear. I know how people can be; but you need to exercise some flexibility, learn how to politely chide without malice; and shouldn't put so much starch in your underwear. You say you have a lovely husband? Must I assume he stays on schedule, must keep each and every promise, and takes orders without question?
Don't be offended or clutch your pearls in disgust and indignity! I'm being humorously-sarcastic! I don't intimidate easily; and I try to be straight with people. Go pour yourself a glass of wine, or a cup of tea. Lets see if we can come-up with some sound suggestions and consider some reasonable options.
You have allowed yourself to become aggravated and imbittered. One of my close female-friends calls it being "meno-pausy!" Setting high-expectations upon people you don't know too well usually ends in disappointment. Always leave room for error, and expect the unexpected. You're dealing with human beings living in the tech-age. This is the 21st-century, my dear! People fly by the seat of their pants! Sometimes you need to teach them manners, or insert filters where they have none!
When the 60 year-old lady stood you up after missing her required RSVP...did it occur to you to call her, and ask her if she'll make it, or should you make other plans? Did you think to make contingency-plans in the event she couldn't make it, or her car broke-down? When people show-up at my door at a time of inconvenience, I'm polite enough to tell them I'm busy. If I'm busy! If it's an inopportune-moment, most people will understand. That's when you ask them when would it be a good time to catch up, when it's more convenient for both of us? Let them decide, and you follow.
You don't always have be the one to set the plans. Who do you think you are? If they find something better to do, maybe it's because you may not always be the greatest company. Nobody's perfect!
I am usually prepared for impromptu-visits from those I would consider friends and fond-acquaintances. I always have good snacks, a nice bottle of wine, or I'll start a fresh pot of coffee. I try to be hospitable, and I'll put things aside for a short visit. If I'm home, why would I refuse to answer the door? That's pretty rude!
If I've been stood-up two-times in a row, or on different occasions by the same person. I've developed a way to counter this bad-habit. I don't bother to hang-out, or offer them invitations anymore. I'll see them when I see them. I know who my real friends are. I have a large circle of good-acquaintances, and some great colleagues; but a small group of loyal close-friends. We're tight, and we've been through it all together. We mess-up and hurt each-other's feelings sometimes, but we always fix-it.
I don't get flustered or indignant, I wait for the excuse and an apology. If they apologize, they deserve the benefit of the doubt. I test the feasibility of their excuse, and the sincerity of their apology. I accept the apology regardless. If we usually get-on well, I just put it aside; and forgetaboutit. That means I've got a "screw-up" coupon to stash until the shoe is on the other foot. I'm drama-intolerant, and I avoid it at all costs!
They can't squawk if I show up late, or cancel at the very last minute. I won't do that unless something unexpected comes-up. I don't like to treat people like that. Nothing worse than a self-righteous hypocrite. I call if running late, and cancel only if I have no other choice. I had good parents. A good upbringing helps; but not everybody had one, my dear!
What if they've been forgiven, but it happens again. Simple remedy. I will forget their invitation the next time I have friends over for drinks or dinner. I am a great host and entertainer. Ask my real-friends! If they catch wind of a party I had through the grapevine, and ask why they weren't invited? I simply inform them that I usually invite those I can count-on to show-up! I get 95% success! They make sure to let me know if and why they can't make it; or let me know they're running behind schedule. I allow for it as a courtesy. The other 5% who are incurable; I disassociate with completely. I'm not their mama or their daddy, I don't go out of my way to admonish grown-ups; they just never hear from me again. If they call, I'll see them on caller-ID, and they'll go to voice-mail. I'll get back to them when I feel like it...or, "if" I feel like it. Or...maybe never! They know that I'm cool, and kind to my friends; so they might be given another chance. Maybe?!!
You try people out, and see how things go. If they don't work-out, rather than becoming cynical and pissed-off; I concentrate on those people in my life I can always count on. I'm on good-terms with my neighbors, I share friends with my partner, I socialize with my colleagues on a limited-basis, and I speak to kind strangers. If we strike-up good conversation; we might meet for coffee, maybe...maybe not. If they don't show-up; I'll get my coffee to go. No sweat!
I have changed plans in the middle of things; and allow for others to do the same. Only I will call, and inform them earlier that there has been a change of plans. It's none of their business what those plans are; but I know they're human. Sooner or later, they're going cancel for a better offer. If you want friends, you assess and evaluate their character and reliability; and if they don't measure-up to standard, move on. Nobody owes you anything, and they only have to be a friend if they want to be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2020): Hello, I can tell that you are angry and I do not blame you. I would be furious if someone kept taking me for granted in this way, and I do get it, it is not a case of going out and meeting other people, because all the people you meet turn out the same. I would imagine that you work long hours and do not have much spare time to waste and are better off spending more time with your husband and working, but it must get lonely at times and samey.I do get that it is pointless to give you advice on how to spend your time, where to go and all the rest, I do see that you would have thought of whatever and already tried it, or it is not worth the time or not practical or whatever.If it were I would value my partner and family and make the most of the time you can spend with them. Make sure you are busy with things you find interesting and worthwhile inbetween. Of course you would rather arrange to see clients who pay for your time, respect when they are welcome to come and stick to it, than people who think you are there when it suits them and mess you around - and do not pay for your time.But there has to be more to life than just family, just partner and just work.I hope you have some hobbies and things which absorb you too so that your life is more rounded.You gave no idea of what your work was but you are clearly not a stupid person.Your working life and hours are sorted. Your family and marriage are sorted. You need something else, the icing on the cake, to make it a bit more sparkly. I hope you have it.
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